Lessons in Gratitude Day 247

Yesterday I took a little break from writing this blog. It was another one of those, “I-don’t-have-it-in-me” days when I simply didn’t have enough psychic energy to string words together in a coherent sentence. I struggled through the day pretty much from start to finish and when the evening came and it was time to blog, my spirit was too agitated for me to settle down and write. I am grateful that those days pass, though I try not to lament them too much, even when I’m in the midst of it. I reckon that discouragement, agitation, restlessness, anxiety, anger, depression, and so many of those “negative” emotions are simply part of life, definitely part of my life at the moment. I can get all bent out of shape when I have bad days or I can do my best to breathe and ease my way through them as best I can, knowing that things often look different (if not necessarily better) in the morning. This was true for me today. After a long and difficult day and a restless, wakeful night, I woke in a thoughtful, but not distressed frame of mind.

I want to acknowledge the arrival of yet another anniversary from 2011, my “year of living dangerously.” One year ago today I was laid off from my job (will Saint Patrick’s Day ever be the same?) Being laid off is difficult under any circumstances, but the manner in which I was “let go” ranks up there among some of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life. Even today, one year later, I cannot talk about it and only a very small handful of people know and will ever know what went down, how and why it went down the way it did. One of those people in the know wrote to me today and asked me if I’d done any “processing” about my time with my former employer and the manner in which I’d come to leave the place. And the truth is, though it crossed my mind periodically throughout the day, I hadn’t spent much time thinking about it. I’ve done my best to forgive those who were involved and to “move on.” Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s vital for my own sense of wellbeing, integrity, and wholeness that I learn to let go of any residual pain and anger and keep moving forward. Being in a stressful financial situation brought about in part by having been laid off makes this letting go a bit more challenging; but dwelling on and getting upset about what happened a year ago certainly doesn’t put bread on the table, and if anything makes me less able to function optimally. So I’m choosing to let go, again…some more.

I am grateful as I often am after one of my “dark nights of the soul” that in the morning I have a new supply of compassion and grace waiting for me. “God’s compassions fail not, they are new every morning,” says an ancient writer. How cool is that? On nights like I had last night when all I could do at times was rock and pray, I often go to sleep expecting that somehow things will be different in the morning. And while the circumstances perhaps haven’t changed at all, the next morning my attitude or perspective on them has shifted, almost without fail. Yesterday an e-newsletter that I receive  periodically contained a prayer that I’d read before that I want to include here because it speaks to the vulnerability of night time in ways I really resonate with. I hope you find it of value as well.

© M. T. Chamblee, 2012