We are coming to the close of another week. By and large it has been a pretty good one. Now I approach the weekend which is often a mixed bag of emotions. Regular early readers of this blog will remember me writing about “blue Friday,” as each Friday I struggled with the blues and battled depression sometimes through the entire weekend. I still suffer a bit from blue Friday, though it is not every Friday, and the amount of time I spend in a low energy, depressed funk is significantly less than it used to be. Sometimes I forget the distance I’ve travelled in the last several months. Because I still face some of the same challenges I did a year ago, it’s easy to lose sight of the progress I’ve made and the learning I’ve managed in this time.
Recently a friend who’s watched me go through the dramas of the past year and who’s known me for a few years commented on how far I’ve come over the past year in dealing with depression and bouncing back from numerous setbacks. I had to stop myself from discounting what she said. I still feel unsettled and at times quite shaky. My moments of equanimity seem tenuous at best and I feel the spectre of depression hanging around as if waiting to pounce at any moment. But, as I think about it, I am standing on my own two feet…sometimes a little shaky, but still standing. Over the past several weeks I’ve been researching my family tree, just beginning to learn a little bit about my ancestors. The researcher I am working with has a great deal of admiration for them and has pointed out to me on more than one occasion that I come from good stock. So in a sense I should not be surprised that in the midst of difficult circumstances I find a way to retain an ability to function, to soldier on no matter what. I am grateful for the progress I’ve made and for the people around me who see it and tell me about it. It makes those times when I feel a bit shaky a little easier to manage. And while I look forward to easier days when some of the current pressures lighten up a bit, I am learning to be alright with the shakiness and uncertainty that mark my current life.
It’s a good time to trot back out one of my favorite poems. I’ve posted it in its entirety twice and referred to it only two other times in 265 posts, which I find remarkable because it’s all about perseverance. So, I offer it once again. It’s been three months since I last wrote about it so it feels alright to bring it back. Besides, I have new sojourners who’ve only recently joined me on this path of gratitude. Whether you’ve been here from day one or are just joining in on day 266, its worth remembering with gratitude those times when we stand shaky but upright and hold on through those occasional dark nights of the soul to emerge into the light of the new day. For each of us today and for my ancestors who endured conditions and situations much harder than mine, I offer the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley:
Invictus Out of the night that covers me,Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
May we be safe and protected. May we be healthy and strong in body, mind, and spirit. May we live with joy, ease, and wellbeing. May we be happy and peaceful. May we experience the arising and passing of all things with equanimity and balance. May we hold our sorrows and grief with great compassion. May we be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. So be it!
© M. T. Chamblee, 2012
