Tonight is a good night for a brief entry. I am grateful for this day. It started early this morning with my writing practice–though I had hoped to sleep in, I had to take my son to work at 8:00 this morning. Early this afternoon I drove down to Stanford University to watch my niece Amanda throw the javelin in a national collegiate track meet. I had an easy drive down, found a parking space (no mean feat) and watched her throw the javelin. It was my first meet since I watched my sister run track and long jump at the Penn Relays in Philadelphia way back in the 1980s. Her event took approximately 20 minutes. I then visited with her for about an hour and then hopped back in my car for the 58 mile, 95-minute trip home. I am grateful for the relatively easy commute home. Friday afternoon is not a great time to be in traffic, but it wasn’t bad. Perhaps the good Friday holiday meant fewer people headed home from work. I was glad for the lighter traffic. I was tired and ready to be home.
Like so many other people, I have a lot on my mind. I think a lot about the state of the world and how the state of the world affects me and mine. Like many Americans, I am unemployed and looking for a job. I struggle financially and work out creative strategies to make ends meet each month. Like many people I love my family–my children, my siblings and their children. I thank God every day and most days I sing. (If I don’t, something’s wrong.) I offer lovingkindness and compassion for us all on most days, and I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can contribute to making the world a better place and beyond thinking I do something at least once per week to offer that contribution. I pray and cry and worry and laugh and smile; some of these I do every day. I am living my life from one moment to the next, one day to the next and am learning to be okay with not knowing.
A part of me wants to have a plan, to have everything neatly laid out so all I have to do is follow the path, read the directions, follow the recipe, study the manual and presto, everything turns out fine. But having a manual or recipe or clearly marked pathway doesn’t appear to be part of my journey at this time. So I feel my way along day by day with just enough light for the step I’m on. And….I must learn to be alright with that, to be able to flow and be with what is. It’s kind of a maddening place to be at the moment; but being maddened isn’t making things move any faster. So, I might as well enjoy the ride.
I am grateful. Every day, whether I have the energy or right configuration of words to describe it in a daily blog. I will continue to be grateful along with all the other things I am being. And I will be alright with the impermanence and uncertainty that surrounds my life. There’s a line near the end of the poem “The Desiderata” that has resonated with me for many, many years. “And whether or not it is clear to you, your life is unfolding as it should.” If indeed my life is unfolding as it should, then I reckon it matters not whether that is clear to me. I am a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the stars. I have a right to be here. So I will continue to walk the path, asking my questions along the way, and seeing how things unfold. While I definitely have a few thoughts about how I’d like for some things to turn out, I am not deeply invested in them. We shall see what happens as it happens. And, as best I can, I will report back and let you know how it’s going.
