I am grateful this evening for being able to spend time in the company of friends. I went to Easter “brunch” and stayed for the better part of the day. Good food, good conversation, good people. I wasn’t in a particular hurry to get home, it was going to be just me and the dog after all (and she’s not much for conversation.) When I got here, I ran into a bit of a buzz saw of things that I didn’t particularly want to face (finishing my taxes, for example) and then finding myself needing to think and write about gratitude. Mama used to say, “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything….” (I think lots of Mamas said that.) So it is a bit challenging to be cranky and still write about things I am grateful for. Challenging, but far from impossible. I’ve written this blog many times twisting myself about like a pretzel to describe things that didn’t feel very good and positive in such a way as to make them good and positive. I’ve become a master at it. This is perhaps a testament to my abilities as a writer.
In spite of my crankiness, I am still grateful for many things. Music for one. My guitar hasn’t been out of its case in several weeks. The case is sitting on my bed, and I will take the guitar out and play for at least a few minutes before returning it to its case and putting it back into the closet. My closet has no doors, so it’s not really hidden and is in fact quite accessible. Music has the power to lift my spirits and if not eliminate then at least ameliorate the crankies. Playing my guitar won’t finish my taxes for me–they weren’t going to be finished tonight anyway–but it might make me feel a bit better. It is a gift that I do not take for granted.
I am also grateful for my daily writing. In the morning it helps to dump things out of my head onto the paper. Sometimes it’s a place where I can outline what I’m thinking about in terms of my “what’s next” career wise, and other times it’s a place to vent, to express fears or concerns, to offer prayers and lovingkindness meditations, and to pretty much scribble down whatever’s on my mind and heart at the time. The evening writing–this blog–is not as easy as my morning journal. For one thing, people other than me read this. So it needs to make some semblance of sense (although one might not notice this so much this evening…) And I want to be much more thoughtful about what I’m putting out into the Universe and the blogosphere. Writing this blog helps me to find the good that’s been available to me over the course of a given day, even when that good has been obscured by other things.
I’ve been spending time the past few days not only thinking about what I am grateful for each day, but also what makes me happy. That was a little tricky at first because I wasn’t entirely sure what to look for; but then I realize it’s not much different than thinking about gratitude. Well I don’t run around in great throes of ecstasy very often (if ever) these days, I do believe that I can find something each day that has made me happy. I would love to be ecstatic, and perhaps that will come eventually. For now I am going with, “Ah, that made me happy today.” It could perhaps be more accurate to say, “That made me smile today,” but for me right now I’m going to equate something that makes me smile with something that makes me happy. My working theory is that if I keep identifying these things that make me smile/happy, then I will find even more things that make me happy until eventually, I might actually be happy all the time. Imagine that! I’m not going to start up a blog about lessons in happiness, but I promise to report back on how the daily happiness project is going.
It’s time to play my guitar now. That will give me another thing that makes me happy. It sure beats the crankies any day.
