Today has been one of those days…another one. It wasn’t terrible, it wasn’t wonderful. It was just a day. And I have another four hours before I can take my rest. I miscalculated and have one more day on pick up from the train duty. I woke tired and somewhat emotional and spent the morning packing boxes and moving piles around. Regardless of how I might be feeling emotionally at any given time, the work still has to be done. In the midst of the morning my friend Pat called just to “hear my voice” to determine for herself how I was doing. I was hard pressed to sound positive, but I realized that she didn’t call for me to entertain her or help her feel better; she called to let me know that she is thinking about and praying for me. It is reassuring to know that’s the case, and I know Pat is not alone in offering prayers and well-wishes. There are others–my siblings, my small circle of friends, and others–who are aware of my life challenges are supportive in a variety of ways. I am grateful to each of them for their encouragement and assistance. It is sometimes all that sustains me when I hit low points as I have throughout these past months.
Some days, though, like today, I wake early in the morning with my heart on fire with adrenaline, my sleep disturbed and my mind whirling with anxiety. I spend the early part of the day calming myself, talking to myself, willing myself to keep moving, doing anything that advances the objective of packing up and getting ready to move. Today has been one of those difficult days–the weight of the challenges facing me is pressing in and I find myself working hard to think, feel, or say anything positive. To my credit I’ve managed it pretty well today. In spite of the emotional struggle I smiled and even chuckled at a thing or two over the course of the day. I am grateful for that, and as is true with so many things these days, I do not take that for granted.
I am in a waiting space in which very little is known or settled in my life. But where there are things I do know, it is important for me to acknowledge them. This morning as I wrote in my journal I decided to write a list of things I know as a way to remind myself that, while there are so many unknowns in my life, there are things that I know for sure. Writing those things down seemed important today, and I’m glad I did it. The things I “know” fell into similar categories as things I’m grateful for–the love of family and friends and the positive affirmations from people around me, and even a few things I know about myself, about who I am as a person regardless of what my current circumstances might suggest.
I have many times expressed gratitude for perseverance, persistence, and resilience. Tonight I am counting on the gift of resilience to help me bounce back from the low energy of today to enjoy a more positive, optimistic day tomorrow. In the meantime, I am grateful that even on the hard days the exercise of expressing gratitude allows me to focus on and contemplate what’s good. That practice is what carries me through and deposits me in a better place. Mama said there’ll be days like this, and Mama was right. But these days have only twenty-four hours in them just like any other, and they pass away never to return. Tomorrow is a new day, with brand new grace, opportunities to learn, grow, love, and be thankful. And so I shall.
