Tonight I am grateful for positivity. I have not always been the most positive person in the world; over the course of my lifetime, I’ve suffered from persistent bouts of pessimism, skepticism and other forms of negativity. As I have gotten older, though, I seem to be strengthening my capacity for optimism and positivity. That this is developing right in the midst of relatively challenging life circumstances is as remarkable as it is miraculous, but I’ll take it. Part of it has involved my being determined that I would not be overcome by the depression that has hampered me throughout much of my life. At a time when I could have easily succumbed to sadness, grief, and loss that engulfed me early in 20111, I fought mightily to pull myself out of the abyss of self pity, self criticism, and despair. That was a long, slow climb, but I made it out of the hole and onto level ground.
There’s a line from a Wynonna song that says, “When you hit rock bottom you’ve got two ways to go: straight up, and sideways.” Well, that’s kinda right, isn’t it? I can’t say that I didn’t go sideways for a little bit before I headed straight up, but head up I did. And while I haven’t quite ascended to the top of the mountain, I’m climbing. And I’m grateful to be able to look back and see the progress.
The world can feel like a pretty negative place at times–sometimes I despair at the some of the hatred I see among people who have different social, cultural, and idealogical backgrounds. There are people who hold animosity against me simply for what I look like–they can’t see past the brown skin to even want to understand who I am and what it is I bring to the world. The vitriolic speech and sometimes violent actions that people direct against one other adds to all already toxic cloud of negativity that permeates our atmosphere and rains down on everyone. It makes the work of becoming and remaining positive quite taxing. Nevertheless, I continue working the muscle of positivity and am getting stronger.
The other morning I was fighting the blues hard. I decided to put on some upbeat music and dance around my room until I was feeling a little better. My daughter had created a playlist for me compiled solely of upbeat songs with positive, you-can-make-it lyrics. I was feeling better by the third song, and by the time the whole playlist had played all the way through, the blues were far behind me. The road to feeling better started with a decision to break myself out of a rut and intentionally put myself into a position to be influenced by positivity and to likewise influence others. I have made that decision many times over the past year and it has resulted in me being a healthier person–even in the midst of trying and depressing circumstances–than I was even before the calamities of 2011 hit me. It begins with the decision.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be little miss sunshine, seeing everything as beautiful and positive and perennially seeing the glass as half full; but I’m pretty sure that I also won’t be crawling out of a deep hole of depression and despair. I have learned/am learning that I can decide to move myself to a better place through an act of will and intention. It is not easy and I am not always 100 percent successful, but I’m determined to keep working at it and looking for positive results. Last week I ran across a quote from Oprah Winfrey that really summed up this aspect of my journey thus far, “It is a blessing to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to be in a position to make the climb and to know the summit is still up ahead.” A big part of my journey of the past 18 months has been just that: putting one foot in front of the other, to keep moving forward as best I can, even if it feels like wading through peanut butter. I am grateful to have had the desire and the strength of will to do it. I’ll keep climbing until I get to the summit–I hear the view is spectacular from there.
