Lessons in Gratitude Day 30

Sometimes the best place to start is where you are. So, I did.

A few months ago I was reeling from some pretty significant losses in my life (lost my job, significant relationship ended, moved from my home) and was seriously burdened by depression, grief and other “negative” emotions. I became a statistic–unemployed, uninsured, unattached, un-lots of things, and was overwhelmed by everything that was happening. The process of reclaiming my life has not been easy–there are still days when I want to find a pill, a cure for all of this so that I can feel better RIGHT NOW! No such luck.

I’m grateful for this journey, though. It is at times painfully slow and laborious, but each step I take brings me further out of the yawning maw of depression and fear and into a place where freedom and peace are possible. My friend said to me the other day, “It’s like you’re in the dark tunnel–you’re still too far away for you to see the light at the end of it. But you’re doing what you need to do to get there.” As I wrote in an earlier blog, every step and every action–no matter how small–is still movement, and those steps/actions will begin to build momentum over time. How these are bearing fruit is still barely discernible at an external level, but I can feel it growing on the inside.

What were some of the steps on this path? Well, one of the first things I knew I needed to do was to get out of my house and do something. The longer I stayed at home looking at all the boxes of stuff that I needed to unpack or sort or store or throw out, the more depressed I felt. I decided to volunteer at a local food pantry. It would get me out and I would be doing something good for the community. I’ve worked there every Wednesday for 7 weeks with a wonderful crew of volunteers who put together bags of food, produce, bread and distributes them to the growing number of hungry people needing the extra support. The other day I talked about the kind of environment that would be good to work in–the Berkeley Food Pantry has a lot of those attributes. It’s been an anchor to my week and has gotten me up and out of the house (and out of myself) to do something for someone else. (Though I still have too many darned boxes!)

Other steps? Right from the beginning of my recent life drama, I began reaching out to people and not allowing myself to become isolated. That’s the worst possible thing one can do when confronted with difficulties, yet it is so often what we do. I continually reach out to old friends, new friends, family, and sometimes even people I don’t know well just to be sure to have human connection. These connections, along with meeting with my therapist (who has been a real lifeline for me at times) are what has kept me moving.

Also, I started this blog almost a month ago, working to intentionally focus on something positive happening in my life and write about it. Honestly there are some days I have no idea what I’m going to write, but I sit and think and stare at the computer until something comes. And for the past 29 and now 30 times it has come. I have been grateful at the positive encouragement I receive from those who read it, which in turns encourages me to keep at it even when I have to over come writer’s block.

Ten days ago I challenged my daughter and myself to play my guitar every day for 21 days. We’re about halfway there. Originally I was encouraging her to play because I know that for her playing and singing lifts her out of the blues and uplifts her in ways few other things can. And that’s what it does for me too, though I must admit I would have forgotten a time or two if my son hadn’t reminded me. Some nights I don’t remember until it’s almost bedtime, but I play anyway, and often Jared brings in his guitar and plays along with me. The family that plays together….

Last week I went to a meditation group for people of color that was led at a center in Oakland. Although it wasn’t my first time ever meditating, it was my first experience sitting with a group of people in intentional, meditative silence. It was an amazing experience and just what I needed to add to the mindfulness I had begun working on a few weeks ago. To meditate or pray or engage in a spiritual practice can be a powerful thing, and that power is magnified significantly when you are doing it in community with others. This group meets every Thursday and I plan to make it a regular part of my life as I continue moving forward.

Most recently I’ve added walking to my life. Now one could say, “of course, everyone knows how good walking and exercise is good for helping you fend off depression.” And I’ve known it for a long time–knowledge didn’t translate into action until about a week ago. Five days of the week I drop my son off at his job, which happens to be situated two minutes away from a regional park with walking paths that run right along side the San Francisco bay. I realized finally how ridiculous it was to be that close and turn around and drive home without stopping there. So with sweatshirt and ball cap in the back of my car (it gets cold and windy even in July), I now park and take a two-mile walk around the perimeter of the park. Today I even took the dog along! (I shot the picture showing the San Francisco skyline from my walk yesterday.)

I’ve taken a lot of steps and actions during these past few months. They are keeping me grounded and centered as I continue to face uncertainties about where my life is going. The challenges are temporary–I have to believe that–but the changes I’m making are helping me make seismic shifts in my ways of being in the world. I’m grateful for listening to my inner voice guiding me and helping me to keep moving forward.

San Francisco from Cesar Chavez Park