I am in an interesting emotional space at the moment, my mind and heart full of a combination of deep thought and introspection and compassion and sympathy. I’ve been on an emotional ride–not as bone-jarring and whiplash-producing as riding Mephistopheles the mechanical bull, but a ride nonetheless. This began with saying goodbye to Honor this morning who looked a little forlorn as I headed out the door to work, and continued when, merging onto a highway for my daily commute, I saw a deer who’d been struck and killed near the on ramp and a few feet away, her fawn. Each of these things wrenched my heart a little bit, though they might seem insignificant. So my heart was a little soft on my way in to work, though I quickly got whooshed into meetings and other things and for a little while forgot the heart-softening morning I’d had.
Late this afternoon I facilitated a conversation with a group of students on the topic of change. “You know a little bit about change,” the person who’d invited me to lead the conversation had teased me. I had been so busy with meetings and such this week leading up to the conversation that I’d scarcely had time to take a deep breath let alone prepare to lead a team building exercise with students. When I finally did sit down to think about what I wanted to do, I was able to connect with the issue of change in my own life, particularly the last couple of years and how much I’ve learned and grown through the midst of it all.
I talked to the students using the language of natural disasters–I talked about hurricane changes–those when you can see the change coming and prepare for it, brace for it, or head for safer ground. Then there are the earthquake changes, those that come out of the blue. You’re living your life, minding your own business and BAM! Out of nowhere something suddenly happens that you were totally unprepared for. How do you react? What do you learn from it? Those are some of the questions I asked the students to ponder. As I pondered the questions for my own life I realized that among many lessons I’ve learned from the tumult and change of my recent life, it’s been to learn humility. Every human, no matter how exalted or lowly can be stricken, brought low by an earthquake change of circumstance. The resulting helplessness, the need to depend on others for survival can be quite humbling. One has to learn to ask for help, no matter how difficult it might be for some of us to acknowledge first to ourselves and then to others that we cannot do something on our own. Tonight as I was watching a televised benefit for the victims of Hurricane Sandy, comedian and talk show host Jon Stewart uttered a line that shot straight into my heart, “This catastrophe is bigger than our resilience,” he said, “We need help.”
I hadn’t thought until that moment of giving a financial contribution to the Red Cross for disaster relief for Hurricane Sandy; I had often wished I could drive up to New York and volunteer, though I know that wouldn’t be practical or advisable, being that I just started a new job. Still, I stopped what I was doing and made a small donation to the relief effort. It reminded me once again how very much I want to find someplace locally where I can donate my time in service to the community. It’s been nearly two months since my last day volunteering at the Berkeley Food Pantry, and I still feel the loss of not connecting with my fellow volunteers and the clients we served there. Watching the drama up the coast unfold has reawakened my desire to volunteer.
I am grateful tonight for many things. For life, health, and strength. For the roof over my head and the food in my refrigerator. For having enough money to be able to make a contribution, albeit a small one, in relief of people who’ve lost so much. For the safety and wellbeing of my children and my siblings and their children. For the wisdom and humility gained from the earthquake and hurricane changes that have swept through my life and from which I’ve been able to recover time and time again. And I am grateful for the capacity and ability to connect with you to share a few lessons in gratitude that I am learning along the way.
