Today I hit a wall.
The morning started like any other–I woke with that slightly panicky feeling that flutters through me at least once per day. I did a meditation and then very uncharacteristically went back to sleep for an hour. What greeted me as I was drinking my coffee and reading my e-mail was the latest rejection for a job I applied for just a couple of days ago. “After reviewing the applications received by the deadline, yours was not selected for further consideration.” Wow, not even forwarded for folks to look at. What was discouraging was that this was a job for which I felt my qualifications fit pretty well with what they were looking for. This was the second one in just a few days where that was the case. I spent the next few hours scouring employment sites looking for other positions to apply for. Maybe it was the earlier bad news or maybe just my mood, but I didn’t see much that I even remotely felt like I would get past the first round if I applied. At the end of the search session I still had only one job worth applying for, and that one’s a long shot.
I then made the mistake of watching the news this evening (I actually sneaked and watched some yesterday too. Now I remember why my son challenged me to stop watching it.) It was filled with doom and gloom about the economy and basically about how a bunch of clueless, dishonest, irresponsible, out-of-touch yahoos who have secure jobs (at least until the next elections) with good pensions and healthcare coverage are making life nearly intolerable for the majority of people who are simply trying to live life, take care of their families, contribute to their communities, etc. At least I was smart enough to only watch a few minutes of the news, and eventually managed to find a women’s basketball game to entertain me for a few minutes.
Tonight after I finish this blog I will play my guitar–day 14 of the play for 21 days challenge I agreed to with my daughter. I will play it like I mean it. I will close my eyes and sing and for those moments I will be in the present moment, in gratitude, at peace.
There are days like this (Mama said there would be) when we/I hit a wall; when I am temporarily stopped in my tracks, stumped, thwarted, stalemated, when I have nothing left in the tank. Except what I know to be true for myself is this: there is always something left in the tank. I’m damned if I know how it gets there, but it’s there…even now I can feel it. I guess in an odd way I’m grateful to know that I even when hit a wall I know it doesn’t end there. There’s more to this, there’s more to me and the Plan for my life than losses, rejections, setbacks. It doesn’t end here.
Tonight I was talking to a friend on the phone telling her about the rejection letters and the seeming dead end I’d run into. I heard myself saying that I couldn’t just give up and stay in bed and do nothing; that I had no choice but to keep at it. I was in a temporary low place during my conversation with her, but that mood once again inexplicably lifted. Virtually nothing had changed in my circumstances except for my perspective on them. I have no idea what will happen and how I will feel tomorrow. But tonight I’m going to play my guitar like I mean it, sing with my whole heart and create a few moments of peace and gratitude.
(For an inspiring, thought-provoking poem, read “The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. http://www.inspirationpeak.com/poetry/theinvitation.html)
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