Tonight is one for random gratitude, I think. Sometimes I am not sure when I start typing this blog what I am going to write about. This is one of those nights, so bear with me as I meander my way through the topic.
I want to offer a post script to yesterday’s blog on forgiveness and talk for a moment about its close relative: letting go. I talked about forgiveness being a process, mostly benefiting the forgiver as much or more so than the forgiven. And I believe it to be true that forgiving others often frees us from burdens we perhaps didn’t know we were carrying. But the freedom isn’t instantaneous; it can take years for us to be able to move through the painful aftereffects of another’s actions toward us. This is where letting go becomes important. In forgiving I am choosing to let go of the often righteous and rightful pain inflicted on me by another human being. This is different from the old adage, “forgive and forget.” Forgive and let go doesn’t necessarily require me to forget, but to try as best I can to let go of the sting of it, the anger, and some of the destructive energy that comes about when we’ve been wronged. Holding onto it can be emotionally, physically, and spiritually damaging. And the really bad part is that while we’re sitting in our pain and anger, the other person has moved on, leaving us in our misery.
More on letting go…It is also about letting go of expectations or desires for a particular outcome. When someone has “done me wrong” I might forgive them, but expect that at some point or another they will recognize and acknowledge the wrong they did me and perhaps even apologize. This is wishful thinking; the other person might not ever come to a point of recognition of having done anything wrong, let alone come to a place of apologizing. It is rare human indeed who comes back and says, “I realize that I hurt you by my actions and I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?” So to expect that to happen is in my mind unrealistic and keeps you stuck and waiting. It may be a matter of expecting something that the other person simply cannot give. Forgive not looking for any particular outcome. True forgiveness, it seems to me, comes from the heart and does not look for reciprocation.
Again, this is all much more easily said than done; and I am hardly an expert on either forgiveness or letting go. But I have had some opportunities to practice both and believe it well worth the effort to keep working at it. One other point about all this: the hardest and most important work is to forgive oneself. We all have our shortcomings, flaws and failings. We constantly make mistakes. I have learned to be much more patient, gentle, and kind with myself when I mess up. Forgiving ourselves or others is like exercising a muscle: it initially requires a great deal of effort, then as we get stronger, it requires less and less effort until we are strong and the muscle is well-shaped. Forgiveness requires constant exercise, consistent, regular workouts. I remain committed to strengthening this particular muscle, how about you?
I am grateful to have been forgiven in my life and to have exercised forgiveness; each is a blessing in its own right. Learning to let go is another important part of the process of my development as a human being. I look forward to continuing to strengthen my capacity to do both. May it be so.
