New Year’s Eve is, of course, an obvious and good time to write retrospectives on the year that’s finishing. I’ve been in thought for the better part of the day. I got out various goals and plans and visions from years past with the intention of setting down a revised, updated version of how I want 2013 to unfold. In the end I didn’t work on it. My intention was good, and perhaps I’ll get to these documents later tonight or tomorrow sometime. For now I am in a quiet mood and am reflecting on what it is I want to convey this evening about gratitude for the year past and hope for the coming year.
At the risk of sounding redundant, I am grateful for the gift of gratitude, for the strength I’ve been able to draw this year from the simple yet profound act of focusing on the things in my life for which I am grateful. This practice has seen me through some intensely challenging times and continues to buoy me as I walk this path. Last new year’s eve I was having dinner with my friend Mary and her family and a few of her friends. As the hour approached midnight East Coast time (9 p.m. in California) Mary raised her glass and said, “To 2012, may it be a better year than 2011.” To which I quickly replied, crossing myself, “Oh heavens, no. May 2012 be a FABULOUS year. To say may it be better is setting the bar way too low; it wouldn’t take much to be better than 2011.” I was only slightly kidding. It seemed to me that if 2012 was simply better than 2011, then that wasn’t much to look forward to.
As I look back on it now, a year later, I can say that 2012 didn’t quite reach the fabulous mark, but it was better than 2011 had been. What I know for sure is that this gratitude journey continued to sustain me through many difficult days this year, as it had through 2011. Throughout the year I was able to weather whatever storms blew through my life. I approached life as best I could from a place of gratitude and of giving back in what ways I could give. I learned how to reach out to the people around me and ask for help. My siblings were each wonderful in their generosity toward me–in terms of financial support that sustained me when I couldn’t make ends meet on I was earning as a consultant. The generosity of family and friends extended well beyond financial assistance. Over the course of 2012, they showed up emotionally, physically, spiritually, and in more ways than I can adequately recount here.
I had to draw upon resources of faith, perseverance, and resilience that I hadn’t known I possessed. I struggled, a lot. I experienced many days when I woke with anxiety streaming through my vanes like liquid fire, and my heart ached and my head pounded as I tried to figure out how to do something different, something more to ease the difficulties. I continued to search for fulltime employment but nothing seemed to open up. But no matter how hard the day might have been I still managed to pull myself together enough to write out reflections on the blessings in my life. Sometimes profound, sometimes very simple, I dug deep and found the words.
Lest this sound like a lot of self-praise and ego, I want to be very clear: I am sitting here at the end of 2012 in a relatively good place because of the grace of God, the love and support of family and friends, and the inner resilience and toughness that God planted inside of me. Simply put, I could not have done any of this by myself, and perhaps that’s the biggest lesson of all. I am grateful first of all for my siblings who have held onto me and loved and lifted me when I couldn’t take another step. Their help also helped my children, both of whom also stepped up in so many ways, taking on responsibilities I wished they hadn’t had to. We’ve all grown tremendously this year and each of us in our own ways is practicing gratitude for the many blessings in our lives.
Tonight as I sit and wait for the “ball drop” signaling the start of the new year, I want to offer a few specific expressions of gratitude. I am grateful to be working full time again. At the beginning of 2012 I had already been 10 months without a full-time job, having to rely on unemployment benefits and contract work to try to keep myself and my family afloat. It’s been very good to once again be using my skills and experiences working with a good group of people doing important work. I am looking forward to what we can accomplish in 2013 and how I can continue to grow and learn as a professional. I am deeply grateful for each of my five siblings. They have given so freely and graciously of their time, energy, and financial resources. I look forward to finding ways that I can begin to give back to them for their incredible love and generosity. I am grateful to now be living and working close to my three sisters and have already spent a lot of time with them and their families.
I didn’t make time today for writing out my vision and plans for 2013. I’ll get to it in the next day or two–there’s nothing magical about doing it by or on tomorrow, though I will be working on it tomorrow. For now I am simply grateful to be sitting here tonight, just me and Honor, waving goodbye to 2012 and welcoming 2013. And I’m grateful to be sharing another day of gratitude with you. May we all be filled with peace and happiness. May we be safe and protected from harm. May we be healthy and strong in body, mind, and spirit. May we live with joy, ease, and wellbeing. May it be so for all beings!
