I have learned many important lessons and concepts on this gratitude journey of the past year and a half. This weekend I have been reminded of a few. First is the importance of reaching out to others when you are struggling. While I don’t think I necessarily believed that it was somehow noble or admirable to “suffer in silence,” I nonetheless spent much of my life believing that I could work through my difficulties on my own without bothering or burdening someone else with my problems. I chose instead to puzzle through my challenges, work harder to overcome obstacles, or grit my teeth and will myself through whatever pain and suffering I was experiencing until things got better. For the most part that approach has worked for me in the sense that I was able to persevere and persist through the toughest of times and come through on the other side. But at what cost?
In working through two painful years recovering from a series of personal setbacks, I learned there was in fact much to be gained from reaching out to others for support. I suppose I must have thought it was a sign of weakness or some such silliness on my part that had kept me from inviting others into my life in all its complexities (thereby exposing my weaknesses and vulnerabilities to them.) I learned how to say to my friends and family, “I’m struggling and I need help.” The first and most important byproduct of this action was the immense relief that resulted from no longer feeling alone, overwhelmed and in pain over all the loss I had suffered and the consequent practical challenges that had arisen. Somehow having loved ones know what I was going through made me feel better long before my actual circumstances began to improve.
Learning to ask for help was huge for me. I was particularly challenged when I had to ask for financial assistance. It was a major humbling experience to be in the position of having to ask for money. I had once held a good paying job, owned a house, and was able to comfortably give financial resources to charities and even helped individuals whom I knew to be struggling. To come from a life not of vast wealth but of relative comfort (comfort is definitely relative) to a place where I was unable to make ends meet enough to cover basic necessities was emotionally distressing. Nevertheless, I found ways to ask for help, to open my life and to admit to people that I was struggling.
I now understand how much ego was involved. I am a person who likes to have myself “together,” to appear at least to have things under control, cool, calm and collected. Capable, confident, at ease, unruffled. I flattered myself that I was these things, or at least that I could pull off looking like I was those things. Inside I was often quaking, uncertain , and unconfident. To admit struggle was to admit defeat, to acknowledge my lack of having it together, my vulnerability (which no one wants to freely admit.) But what I found was that once I was able to do it, to invite someone into the reality of my life, a huge weight lifted from me. Mind you, it was an ongoing, constant process. Like a power window in an automobile, sometimes I let it down and invited people in and other times I put it back up, shutting people out. But by and large, once I set aside my ego and began to let people in, it got easier. And contrary to whatever story I was telling myself, I discovered that people didn’t turn away from me in horror once I outed my “weakness.” On the contrary, they were drawn closer, expressing appreciation at being allowed in.
Foremost among those who have stepped into my struggles with me has been my siblings and even my children, who each in their own ways have dealt admirably with watching their mother–who had always tried at least to be an unshakable rock in their lives–struggle. Each of my siblings, with incredible grace, compassion, and deep love and affection have stepped up time and again to offer all kinds of support and assistance. I am reminded again this evening as I ponder connections and conversations I’ve had with two of my sisters today just how blessed I am to be loved and cared for so deeply. They are all treasures to me for whom I am deeply grateful. I await the day when I can not only stand once again without assistance on my own two feet but can offer blessings in return to each of the family and friends who have lifted and held me up. It is not about paying back–what they have given cannot be repaid–it’s about paying forward and giving of myself freely and fully as expression of my love and deep gratitude.
I am grateful that, as challenging as my circumstances have been, they have taught me to reach out, be more open and vulnerable, to humble myself and let go of ego, and of course to recognize and express my gratitude for the mane blessings in my life. It ain’t been easy, but it’s been good.
