This morning I had one of those moments of disorientation that sometimes happens when you first wake up. As I lay there in the dark having just hit the snooze for the third time, I said to myself, “Today is Friday.” I got into the habit of announcing to myself the day of the week during my long months of unemployment. Sometimes during that period of my life I would sometimes awaken uncertain of which day it was because I didn’t have the routine of a Monday through Friday eight-to-five job to help me keep track of my schedule. So this morning in my 5:39 a.m. muzzy-headedness, I needed to check in and let myself know that it indeed was Friday…again. Wasn’t it just Friday a day or two ago?
I am aware that as we age, time seems to speed up; but this is ridiculous. I realized with some small degree of panic that somehow when I wasn’t looking April snuck up on me and is now nearly halfway over. And I have a major event coming up for which I bear significant responsibility for “pulling off” that is hurtling toward me with unexpected velocity. I am pleased that I managed to show enough restraint that I stopped thinking about my work project while writing my morning journal; I decided I wanted to start my day thinking about things other than work. After all, I would get there soon enough and then I could panic while on the clock. Of course I am not completely panicked, which upon reflection I realize is a good thing. I have been feelings somewhat philosophical about a few things over the last little while, so I want to briefly share a few thoughts, connect them to gratitude before signing off.
I want to speak to my earlier admission of panic. I’ve been thinking again about the notion of overcoming fear and other paralyzing conditions that so often keep us stuck in a particular limiting mindset. I was thinking of the phrase “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And as I thought about it I recalled some of the difficulties I’ve experienced over the course of my life. They were challenging, yes, and painful, sometimes embarrassing, and emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually taxing, but they never really even came close to killing me in any of those areas. Going through the experiences and coming out on the other side might have indeed made me stronger but they never rose to that level of threat that my life would be ended.
This is an important perspective to have, particularly in viewing something at work or other area of my life that is causing me angst. I look at the situation that is inducing fear, anxiety, or other unhelpful emotional state and ask, “In this situation, what is the worst that can happen?” And if the answer does not include major bodily harm to my person or to persons whom I care about, then it removes a lot of the power the situation has over me; it significantly reduces the weight the situation holds in my life. I had a meeting some time ago in which I anticipated something negative and unpleasant was going to happen. I had dreaded going into the meeting and, as I’d expected, it was tense and uncomfortable and I left feeling angry and frustrated. I did what a lot of people do: I came back to my office, sat down with a colleague I trust and ranted for over an hour about how bad things were. (Eventually, after I’d calmed down, I went back to my colleagues and apologized for my whiny, unprofessional behavior.
What I came to realize after that incident was that nothing in my work life is life-threateningly important, very few things across the entire spectrum of my life is all that deeply important. When I think about the things I fear most greatly they include things like something happening to one of my loved ones, something beyond my ability to control or fix or repair. Nothing else that happens around me rises to that potential level of impact. When my mother, who was one of the primary stars in my universe, was diagnosed with cancer and died within five months, I was devastated. But, I lived through it. And as excruciating as such losses are and likely always will be, I lived through it. So when I think about the sense of panic I briefly experienced about my upcoming event, I have to acknowledge that in the scheme of things the impact of that program, whether is is a spectacular success or an abysmal failure, is only minimally important–it doesn’t register on the richter scale of my life.
I am grateful for this perspective. It allows me to hold things much more loosely and to begin to let go of my attachment to various outcomes. This is not to say that I don’t care about anything; many things matter to me. I value doing a good job and being known as a person of intelligence, compassion, integrity and many other things. What I am learning to do (as best I can, it’s still very much a work in progress) is to put my best out there and let go of the need to look good, be right, achieve a particular bottom line, etc. In terms of the things that matter most to me, those things are simply not that important any more.
Now I have not reached what my sister and I jokingly refer to as “the seventh level of enlightenment,” or perhaps I reach it and then quickly hurtle back to reality. I will still get anxious, freak out, panic and have all kinds of anticipatory, knee-jerk reactions to all kinds of issues, drama, challenges, etc. But what is true for me in this moment is that I’m learning not to sweat those things for long. Yes, I’ll allow myself my moments of being cranky, fearful, frustrated, anxious, panicky and all kinds emotions in between. And then I’m going to ask for and receive or find the grace within me to take a few slow, deep breaths and let it go. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it, and I’m deeply grateful for the perspective and clarity I am slowly developing around this. May all beings be free from suffering and the root of suffering. So be it!
