Tonight I spun the random number generator and landed on a pretty good subject, so I’ll share a bit of the blog from day 228, written on February 19, 2012 after a one-week break from writing this blog. I had hit a wall on day 227 and felt like I couldn’t find anything to say. I had hit serious writer’s block and wasn’t sure I’d be able to write any more. Once I picked back up on day 228, there was no looking back. Since that day I’ve written over 400 straight blogs without a gap. I’ve definitely had moments when I have hit that same wall and have been uncertain as to whether or not I was going to be able to eke out a couple hundred words, but for now I’ve been able to dig deep and find the words to express my gratitude for given day.
I imagine one of these days soon I’ll take another break from writing this blog–perhaps when I reach 700 in a little over a month, or at some other point. I want to be thoughtful about it as I do, to develop an “exit strategy” for moving toward closing out the daily blogging. Doubtless I will continue writing in some form that I am hoping will emerge. In the meantime, I remain committed to daily writing even, on those occasions like tonight when I am too tired to string together too many coherent sentences. So I spun the wheel and am sharing with you some thoughts from day 228:
“Although I haven’t blogged in a little over a week, I have nonetheless written every day. I sort of accidentally started a morning writing practice back at the end of January, and although it is not my intention to box myself into that feeling of having to write every single day, I have managed to do just that since February 5. I use that time as a means of writing pretty much whatever is on my mind when I first wake up. As I’ve written about frequently in this blog, I often awaken much earlier than I like (usually just before dawn, around 5:30 0r s0), and because I have too many things on my brain, I can’t get back to sleep. I decided within myself a few weeks ago that rather than trying to cajole myself back into sleep (which doesn’t usually work), I would instead try to bring myself fully awake and sit up and start writing about whatever comes up. It’s been a good practice because it has allowed me to write my way through the anxiety-induced adrenaline rush that so often hits me in the early morning. I sometimes start out with some worry or fear that sends adrenaline coursing through my extremities like liquid energy. By the time I’ve written for several minutes (I’ve been averaging around 45 minutes or so) I am much calmer and my thoughts are clearer. I’ve jotted on the cover of the journal I’m writing in “Writing my way to clarity,” because that’s what it feels like I’ve been doing with the morning writing. It really is helping me sort a few things out, first by surfacing fears that I’ve previously not given voice to. It has become an important addition to my daily life.
I also continue to practice daily gratitude. This past week included gratefulness for many blessings of simple things as well as finding gratitude in the things that were more challenging. I am grateful for the relative health and wellbeing of my family–myself and my children–and for the safety and security we enjoy in our daily lives. While we have our struggles we also have things to smile and laugh at,to celebrate and revel in,and definitely to be grateful for. I am also grateful for being able to give of myself in those ways that I can. Although financial means might limit my ability to offer generosity in that form, I can certainly offer time, experience, gifts and talents to whomever might need them.”
I continue to use writing–my journal in the mornings and my blog at night–to help me work through what’s on my mind. Journaling in particular helps me unburden my heart and dump out my thoughts onto the paper. Over the past few days I’ve been able to put things out there where I can look at them and hopefully make sense of some of it. Writing for myself versus an audience gives me a certain freedom of self-expression I have few other places in my life. I am grateful for the clarifying practice of journaling. The bookend practice of blogging in the evening helps me to crystallize (sometimes) my thoughts into coherent concepts. I have no idea at this moment what direction the blogging will take. I remain in thought about what’s to become of it, and as is the case with most things, I am learning to relax and let go and see what decides to emerge. In the meantime, I’ll meet you back here tomorrow evening for more lessons in gratitude.
