I am grateful to have gifted guest bloggers who can step in and take over, writing beautiful reflections about gratitude. I was sorely in need of their assistance over the past several days. First my sister allowed me to totally put her on the spot when I invited her late one evening–on Independence Day no less–to write that evening’s blog. Called upon to perform with little notice she wrote a wonderful piece. I hope she agrees to come back and write more often. And last night when I was simply too tired to think let alone put together a coherent piece, my daughter asked me if I would let her write that evening’s blog. Let? I didn’t need to be asked twice. She did her usual excellent job, focusing on her appreciation for her recent ancestors–her grandparents, who have gone on before her, leaving legacies that she is learning to embrace. I am grateful both to Ruth and Michal for agreeing to reflect and share on something for which they are grateful. “Hearing different voices” focusing on gratitude has been quite refreshing for me.
Tonight I remain somewhat worn out from my travel over the holiday weekend. I commented to someone today that I feel jetlagged even though I didn’t actually fly and remained in the same time zone that I live in. I had a productive day at work but at the close of this day I am exhausted, nodding off with the computer on my lap. This is when I am grateful to turn to my own words written some time ago. Tonight’s wisdom comes from Day 298, written on May 7, 2012. It speaks to the resilience of spirit that miraculously appears when I need it to. Sometimes I am not always sure that I have any strength to draw upon and yet, when I reach into that magic hat, I still find a wellspring of energy that helps me overcome what I am facing and get on with what needs to be done. I am grateful for that resilience and am relieved t be able to draw upon it yet again this evening. I hope you enjoy tonight’s post.
Sometimes when I have so many things to do,I play on Facebook and do everything but what I said I needed to get done. This procrastination/avoidance syndrome is not new or unique to me. I daresay we all suffer from it to some degree or another. Nevertheless,I have decided to buckle down and apply myself to trying to accomplish at least one or two things (this blog included) before I go pick up my son from work then rest my head for the night. I am grateful for the fuel that keeps me going from day to day. Though I’m not always sure what it is that motivates me on any particular day,I only know that when I reach into my bag needing some energy or motivation or strength or whatever so I can once again stand up against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,I always have something to pull out.
I do not take this lightly or for granted. Even when I sit sobbing into my “crying towel,”a part of me remains calm,knowing that when the storm has subsided,even if my circumstances have not changed one bit,I will somehow be alright. And so today,I got up,wrote in my journal,and got on with my day. I must confess to being somewhat cranky in the early part of the day,but even that eventually subsided and I managed to have a relatively productive day at work and a calm evening here at home. Considering my disheveled,distraught state of mind yesterday,this was a pretty dramatic improvement. I am looking forward to an even better day tomorrow. If there’s one thing I’ve learned during the dramas and traumas of the past year it has been to be kind and patient with myself as I walk this path. I have freaked out and calmed down a hundred times,soaked my crying towel more times than I can count,dragged myself out of depression and despair to land on my two feet,stand strong,bend without breaking and even having the nerve to laugh about it all.
Even in the midst of a complete meltdown,justifiable funk,or well-earned temper tantrum,I know that whatever is eating me will subside. I am hard pressed to describe how I know this,but I do. It’s a kind of grace,an understanding that I have with the Creator that no matter what else I feel at a given time,my heart always turns back toward the Divine with love and gratitude. Sometimes,even that makes me angry! I want to be pissed off at God for the predicament in which I find myself. I rail at God knowing that her “shoulders”are big enough to handle my anger until it passes and I am myself again. I learned about the goodness and grace of the divine not during those times when I was praying and singing hymns and doing all the “right”things. I learned more about divine grace when I’ve been grieving and hurt and angry and cursing at God at the top of my voice only to return to gratitude and love when I’ve calmed down. No,I don’t take any of this for granted,but I’m so grateful that it’s there.
I’m still waiting for all the good things that are coming. And there will be times ahead when I might yet fret about all of the unknowns that are the hallmark of my current existence. But I’m getting the hang of this living in the moment thing. I really have no other choice,and for now,that’s alright. Til it all gets sorted out,I’ll continue to navigate life’s challenges with a grateful heart. Thank you for being along with me and bearing witness.
