Somehow I let the better part of the day get away from me. I got up, wrote in my journal as usual, took care of the dog and other things, had some breakfast, then headed to the grocery store to pick up a few necessities. Other than that and a little bit of reading I really haven’t done much of anything today. For the most part I’ve decided that’s okay. Sometimes I expend too much energy worrying about all the things I should have done when after a long, draining week what I should have done is what I did: rest.
I find that at times I can be incredibly hard on myself, hold myself to some standard or expectation of behavior that I wouldn’t hold anyone else to and would likely fuss at anyone who tried to hold themselves to. Sometimes my self-talk–the things I say to myself, aloud or inside my head–is unnecessarily harsh, almost mean, and again I realize that if I overheard someone speaking like that to someone I loved, using those terms and that tone of voice, I’d be all over them defending my loved one, or at the very least I’d be escorting my loved one to safety. So why do that to myself?
Tonight I am grateful for the awareness that I need to be much kinder to myself. The world and society around me can sometimes be harsh enough: the cruelties and criticisms from people who make decisions about me simply because of how I appear, the media that holds up images of who’s valued in this society and I don’t see myself in their pictures, and the occasional insensitivities and unconscious digs from people who are acquaintances but don’t really know who I am. Thank goodness for family and close friends who really know me who periodically tell me that I am good and valued and worthy. But I don’t live with them 24-7, I live with me. And so I am aware that somehow in the midst of all the messages that bombard me from all around, I must not only be kind to myself, in my thoughts and actions, but I also need to go out of my way and offer intentional kindness to myself.
Every morning, in one form or another, I offer metta–phrases of goodwill and lovingkindness–for myself and others. May I be filled with lovingkindness. May I be peaceful and happy. May I be safe and protected from harm. May I be healthy and strong in body, mind, and spirit. May I live with joy, ease, and wellbeing, and so forth. I offer them first for myself, then progress through family and loved ones, acquaintances, “enemies,” and eventually for all beings. I’m coming to understand how important it is that I offer goodwill to myself first. If I am not loving myself, offering myself positive and uplifting self-talk, then how can I expect to be able to love and offer good things to others? I can remember during some of my tougher days as a single mom saying to my kids, “Mommy’s pitcher is just about empty. I need to fill it back up so I have more to give.” It’s quite startling to me when I think back on some of the early lessons I shared with my children when I didn’t even realize I was teaching. What I was in essence telling them was to make sure their own “tanks” were filled first before trying to give to someone else. I would do well to heed my own advice.
I am grateful once again for the reminder that I have within me most of the wisdom I need to live a rich, full life. What I need is to begin to ask myself the right questions to tap into it. Think about the self talk that you engage in. Are you speaking to yourself in the same kind and gentle words and tone of voice that you would a beloved friend or a sweet infant or someone you love? It can be difficult when the voices around us are negative to be able to hear the ones that matter: yours, God’s, those of people who love you. This week I challenge each of us to practice being kind to ourselves and pay attention to the impact it has not only on us but on others around us. May we all be free from suffering and the root of suffering. May we know happiness and the root of happiness. May it be so for us all!
