Tonight was a good one to spin the wheel and see what happened. It landed on a blog from July 19, 2011, a very early blog (Day 20). It is helpful to me to go back and read blogs from those early days because they remind me how much ground I’ve covered in my life, as chronicled through this blog. It and my morning journal, which I started writing in about a month after I started my blog, provide an interesting narrative about what life was like for me during a very rough period in my life. Tonight’s “repurposed” blog reconnects me with my sense of gratitude for (and to) my incredibly wonderful children, both of whom represent two things for which I am most grateful in my life.
The other night I wrote about the love and support I receive from and have for my siblings. I have been blessed over these years to have loving relationships with my immediate family. My Mom and Dad created an environment in which the six of their children could develop and maintain strong relationships with each other. Though my Mom died 16 years ago and Dad just last September, they set an example for me of what family could look like. And though I couldn’t completely follow their example by providing a conventional two-parent home, I think my children have grown into fine young people of whom their grandparents (and their aunts and uncles) would be proud.
I am becoming aware that my relationship with each of my children is evolving to that point where they have ceased to be fully dependent on me in the ways they were when they were young and are now moving toward (trying to think of the right word here…) friendship of a sort. As they have matured into young adults, the nature of our connection is likewise maturing, and it’s manifesting in new and interesting ways. In the midst of all the life transitions I’ve been going through recently, my son said to me, “You’ve taken care of me my whole life. Now it’s my turn to take care of you.”
This is the first time my son and I have lived alone together–prior to that it had been the three of us: Jared, my daughter Michal, and me. Then for a few years Jared didn’t live with us and it was just me and Michal. And for a while there were four of us when I was in a relationship. Now once again it’s just me and the kids, and at the moment me and Jared. For me this is an unexpected gift. The transitions and losses of the past few months has yielded an opportunity for me to reconnect with my son, and it is delightful. He is wise and funny and deeply philosophical. He’s had his share of drama over the past few months also, but he has managed it with grace and equanimity. When I periodically feel sad or anxious or freaked out, he offers sound, philosophical advice, and even though I resisted it at first, I now spend more time taking it in. I’m learning a lot about letting go, and one of the things I’ve definitely let go of (mostly anyway) is the Mom knows all attitude I held with him for such a long time. Mom knows a lot and Mom is now also willing to learn from “child.”
It’s taking me a little time to adjust to this idea and to their developing maturity. I’ve known for a while now that my children are increasingly independent (which is the way of things), but now we are reaching that place that I reached with my mother–of friendship, mutual respect, and of course deepening love. There are a few things that haven’t changed. I still like to know where my 23 year old son is when he’s out late (although I no longer nag him to tell me where he’s going.) And even at almost 21, my daughter still checks in regularly with me about what she’s up to and what her plans are for school in the fall (right now she’s back in the Midwest doing an internship.) We are at times still connected at the hip.
I am grateful for the relationships I have with my children. I am becoming more and more willing to learn from them and accept their wisdom and yes, their help on occasion. I am letting drop the old Mom knows all, bears all, does all, can handle anything picture that I held up for them all these years. They’re old enough to be able to deal with the truth that sometimes Mom doesn’t know anything, can’t handle everything, and sometimes just plain old messes up. My opening myself up to them lets the step in and show what they can do, and we all benefit from it. Interdependence…it’s a beautiful thing.
I continue to be grateful for my connections to my children. They are wise and funny and are continuing to mature into really cool young adults. I suppose I will always worry about them, at least a little, and I’d love to see them “settled,” whatever that means. But I know that they are the only ones who can define what”settled” means to each of them, not my generationally-derived idea of what that looks like. In this moment I look at each of them and am proud of the way they are making their way through the world. It’s definitely not the paths I thought they would take but I recognize that they are living life on their own terms. And that too, is a beautiful thing.
