Today has felt like an incredibly long day, and in some ways I suppose it was. Vacationing can be hard work and I find that now at the end of this day (it is nearly 10:30 p.m. here) I am exhausted. All that playing in the pool and sitting around talking has been rather wearying. And then this evening we took a sunset tour of an area of the beach and dunes that is inhabited by wild horses that have lived on this stretch of coastal land for over 500 years; they are descendants of horses that were originally brought to the Americas by Spanish conquistadores back in the 1500s. By the time we got home and started to heat up leftovers for dinner it was after 9 pm. Now I am here, grateful for a beautiful day, time spent laughing and playing with family, and readying myself for sleep. As odd as it sounds, I really am tired.
I decided to spin the RNG (random number generator) wheel this evening to see if it would land on something that resonated with me this evening. After three unsuccessful “spins” I landed on a post from almost exactly two years ago, written on August 6, 2011. It began with the reminder that nearly 8 years ago now (in August of 2005) I moved from my home of nine years in Michigan out to live in California. I moved with great anticipation and a mixture of excitement and fear (“what have I gotten myself into?”) Looking back on it now I could examine my time in California from many different perspectives and play out various scenarios about what my life might have been like had I never made the decision to move there or how it might be different if so many things hadn’t unraveled as they began to late in 2010. But looking at it head on, taking into account all that happened to me, my children, and the circle of people with whom I interacted during my seven years there, I see how it has turned out exactly the way it was supposed to.
I think we can never really know all the reasons why things turn out the way they do; why “chance” encounters end up having deep meaning and others that seemed like they were going to be permanent fixtures in our lives turn out to be more transient than we ever could have imagined. I suppose one key lesson from all of this is to hold some things as loosely as possible, not to cling to them, not to be desperate. Simply and gently hold my loved ones, my children, my job, my possessions, etc. In the end, nothing lasts, nothing is permanent–except impermanence, perhaps. If I could only remember this, my life would be much simpler and happier. But alas, remembering is the tricky part. Still I am grateful for the occasional awareness that reminds me to loosen the death grip I have on my children or family or possessions. Hold them lightly and when the time comes be ready to let them go.
I still feel like I have a lot to learn, but I am grateful for the life lessons and lessons in gratitude I gained from the seven years I lived in California. As the old folks say, “I wouldn’t take nothin’ for my journey,” that is to say that each step along the path of my life is priceless. Whether it felt “good” or “bad,” they all were important, they all had something to teach. And for the wisdom gained through those days I remain exceedingly grateful.
