Okay, I admit it–I love nice round numbers like 60, 50, 40…each one is like a little milestone. When I set out on this blogging adventure I didn’t set any particular goal or limit or time frame, I just figured I’d start and see where it took me. For the most part I like where we’ve gone together, and I look forward to continuing the journey.
At any given moment I am grateful for many things; sometimes they are obvious and easy to articulate, and others they’re much more nebulous, ethereal, and I struggle to string sentences together in a coherent way. As odd as it might sound, I am grateful for gratitude, for the capacity to appreciate, to find reasons to celebrate something, to recognize and notice something as special. Gratitude unfolds moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. I have only to be mindful of what’s happening around me at any given time to find reasons to be grateful. Mindfulness is key–paying attention even in the midst of the most mundane activity or circumstance can yield so much richness.
This morning I went grocery shopping, which for a variety of reasons is not one of my favorite activities. I have become aware that going grocery shopping makes me sad. (I’m not talking about a quick trip to pick up a few things, but a major, fill-your-cart, once-every-three-weeks shopping trip.) I’ve known for a long time that I can be washed over by waves of sadness right in the middle of the produce section, or in the cereal aisle, or in frozen foods. I can expect to be a little teary and need to breathe through it as I make my way through the store. Today was no exception, except I was a little more ready for it. When the sadness would hit me, I’d breathe and tell myself it was okay to be sad and then walk down the next aisle. I made it all the way through with no major meltdown, but then in all the years I’ve known about the grocery store blues, I’ve never actually had a meltdown.
I used to go grocery shopping with my mother. Because there were eight of us–six kids and mom and dad (and for a while grandpa)–we always loaded up two carts. I pushed one, Mom pushed the other. Shopping was an event. Many years later I began taking my own daughter grocery shopping, which made it an even more poignant experience. A few weeks ago I took my son shopping with me and talked to him about my shopping sadness. I reckon I equate going grocery shopping with spending time with my mother, who left this earth 16 years ago. I still miss her at times, but I’m rarely more aware of it than when I’m at the grocery store. Such an odd thing, but it reminds me of the power of place to evoke all kinds of memories and feelings.
When I am paying attention to life as it unfolds around me, I can notice what’s coming up and kindly and gently walk myself through it–just like I walked myself through the store this morning. I am grateful to be learning tools to help me navigate “difficult” feelings when they come up–not to run away from or avoid them, but embrace and work through them. Coming into the next month, these tools will be important as I move toward the first anniversary of my father’s death. The “daddy cells” as I’ve come to call them have already begun to wake up and I find myself experiencing moments of unexpected sadness–at least they’re unexpected until I remember that it’s about that time. When the grief comes up I’ll embrace it, allowing tears to come and breathe my way back to stillness. I’m grateful for this journey, may I continue to have the grace to embrace it as it unfolds.
One Response to Lessons in Gratitude Day 60