Today I received my insurance card in the mail. So I am no longer included in the statistic of Americans who don’t have health insurance. It’s not a great plan, but it’s coverage and for that I am grateful. Of course I still fall into several other less positive statistical categories–like being among the millions of folks who are unemployed, and being an unemployed African American woman over 50 puts me into a bunch of subcategories I’d probably rather not be in.
But statistics don’t really bother me. At times I find them very useful. I finished my Ph.D. because of statistics. It took me 9 and a half years to complete my doctorate. I was taking classes and working full time, then I got married, had two kids and moved a few hundred miles away from the University all while I was working on it. After about five years in I think I had all but given up on the idea. I was so enmeshed in my job and raising a family that I didn’t have time or energy to think about it. I had completed my coursework but had made virtually no progress on writing my dissertation. And my advisor at the time, who had himself transitioned from being a professor to an associate dean and gotten buried under his new responsibilities, had no time to chase me down and get me moving. It wasn’t until I read an article that talked about the percentage of African American doctoral students who never finished their dissertations and thus never finished their doctorates that suddenly lit a fire under my feet. I was determined not to be in that particular statistical category. I buckled down, did my work long distance between Michigan and Pennsylvania, and finally got it done. It was a very proud moment for me and little had I known when I started it that on the day I walked across the stage my 5 year old son would holler out, “Way to go Doctor Mom!”
I suppose when I think about it, I am applying myself with similar determination to change the various statistical categories present in my current life circumstances. In spite of the challenges, I remain an incredibly privileged individual. I am grateful for the options and advantages (including higher education) that I have had access to over the course of my life. These advantages I am now bringing to bear as I seek to change my current situation. I am also aware, however, that I am developing the capacity to be alright with all of the uncertainty of these past several months. Though I have little moments of panic at least once per day (often at the very beginning of the day), I’ve generally worked through them over the course of the morning. It’s kind of like the fog that’s present on so many Bay area days–it take a while to burn off and the sun to peek through.
I continue to ask the Universe about what it is that I need to be doing during this time. Yes, I want a job or some income-generating opportunity so that I can take care of my family and my responsibilities. And I also want the work that I do to make a difference in the world. I don’t say that to be noble in any way; it’s just the way I have lived and want to continue living my life. So I continue to approach life with arms open wide saying, “Here I am. What’s next for me?” and listening for the answer. When it comes, I’ll be sure to share.
SF Bay Fog Hanging Over the Golden Gate
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