Good ol’ Mama. The truth is I don’t remember my mother warning me I’d have days like this, but as I think about it, I reckon she probably did. There was nothing terrible about the day per se; it was simply a demanding, energy-draining affair. At the end of it I believe I got some things done, but I honestly couldn’t tell you what they all were. My goal every day is to show up as my best self, fully present as often as I can for as long as I can as best I can. Sometimes I hit the mark, sometimes I miss it. And sometimes I can’t tell. Today what I can say is that I showed up and I did my best, knowing that my energy level was lower than I like it to be at work. I didn’t feel on top of my game and that probably showed in the quality of my interactions with others and of the work I accomplished. And now at the close of the day I can only hope to get needed rest and try again tomorrow.
I had already decided that I was going to spin the wheel this evening. I simply feel too tired to be able to write a meaningful, coherent post tonight, so I will go with a repeat. And what a repeat it is. I merely decided to take on the nature of suffering as my subject for day 161. It seems like an appropriate repost considering how cranky I was off and on throughout the day. I hope you find it as helpful as I did reading it this evening. May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May we know peace and happiness and the fruits thereof. So be it!
Today was a hectic and exhausting one at the Berkeley Food Pantry; we assisted a steady stream of clients distributing bags of groceries and produce throughout the two hours we’re open. It is good, hard work. I am grateful to be involved with the pantry and connecting with and serving the community. It has kept me grounded in the reality of my own situation as I work with people whose struggles are different from mine.
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the nature of suffering. Is the suffering of a person who comes into the food pantry because they lack financial means lesser or greater than that of someone possessing significant financial means but experiencing a serious illness? What about a person who makes a high salary and enjoys a comfortable lifestyle but who works a job that’s so stressful that it’s killing them. Are they suffering? Do people who are lonely suffer any less or more than people who are in unhealthy or abusive relationships? So many examples and questions about what it means to suffer.
In the last 15 months or so I have experienced loss of a parent, ending of a significant relationship, losing my job and the subsequent financial struggles that have arisen, moving from a lovely house and neighborhood in Berkeley to a smaller townhouse several miles away, and watched my children struggle with serious issues and challenges of their own. Am I suffering? And how do I measure that, particularly when I look around me and see so many people facing losses and challenges far greater than mine? I do not at all mean to diminish my experiences–they have been difficult and it has often felt like significant suffering. But I must hold my suffering in perspective: although things have been tough and continue to be so, I am grateful for and keenly aware of the places in my life where I’ve clearly been blessed and remain so. I can acknowledge the things that are hard, but I don’t have to live in the hardness and the suffering.
Did you ever run into people who no matter what’s going on if you ask them how they’re doing they answer with an upbeat or positive response? I can remember a colleague from many years ago who when you ask him how he was doing he’d almost always reply with a huge, genuine smile on his face, “If I were any better I’d be twins” or “I’m so fantastic I can hardly stand it.” Then there are the people, some of whom I’ve met at the food pantry, who when you ask how they’re doing they answer, “I’m blessed.” And they mean it. It’s not some perfunctory answer that they rattle off without thinking (some people do, of course, but I’m not talking about them.) They truly feel blessed by the good things in their lives rather than beaten down by all the difficulties.
So things for me have been hard this year, no doubt about it. But I’m thinking that maybe I need to take this attitude of gratitude that I’ve been working on to a new level. What if when people ask me how I’m doing I reply with something like Jim’s “If I were any better I’d be twins?” Okay, maybe not that one, but something like it. What if, when asked that question, I infuse my heart and mind with all the gratitude I have for the many many blessings in my life and from that place I answer,“I am so grateful today?” Can you imagine what that would do to my own energy, the way I walk through the world, my attitude towards others and the impact of that energy washing over them? I just wonder.
I’ve never really been a naturally upbeat person; for many years I struggled with low-grade depression, loneliness, and general unhappiness (was I suffering?) But now I’m thinking I might try this on for real. So tomorrow while I’m out and someone asks me how I’m doing, rather giving than some low-energy, noncommittal answer like “Oh,I’m hanging in there,” or even “I’m alright,” I’m going to take a breath inhaling all that good gratitude energy and say, “You know, I’m really good,thank you for asking” or “I’m grateful today for so many things. How about you?” I’ll try it and report back.
Now I am keenly aware that I have these great ideas at night while I’m writing my gratitude blog and then wake up in the morning tired and perhaps occasionally cranky and have to work twice as hard to get into the space of trying these great ideas (Remember the other day when I was going to offer myself compassion throughout the entire day? Mixed results on that one, but I’m still working on it.) So we’ll see how this goes. Those of you who live close to me and see me periodically have the opportunity to witness first hand if I am successful at this. This will be a good test over the next couple of weeks, because I have tended to be a little “humbuggish”at Christmas time. Allowing myself to be infused with gratitude as I interact in the world in the next few weeks and operating from that place might diminish that characteristic or eliminate it entirely. One can hope.
I am grateful for the perspective I am gaining on what “suffering”looks like. It doesn’t wear the obvious faces one might think it does. Someone who looks “fine”could be suffering tremendously, and others who might seem to be down on their luck might be perfectly content with where they are. It is not for any of us to judge, just for us to be aware and offer compassion whenever and wherever we can. Meanwhile, I’m going to be so great I can hardly keep from bursting into song!
