Tonight I am still pondering the concept of forgiveness. I want to circle back around to two important concepts prompted by comments people made in response to yesterday’s blog.
Point #1: Forgiveness is a much about the person doing the forgiving as it is about the one who is being forgiven. In an earlier blog about forgiveness, I wrote, “Forgiveness to me much more favors the person doing the forgiving than the forgiven. It is in my own best interest to practice forgiveness. That’s not why I practice, but it offers a definite benefit.” At least some of the people whom I have forgiven don’t even know that I’ve forgiven them; they are usually people who hurt me and didn’t realize it, or it happened so long ago that perhaps they have moved on or forgotten about the injury. When I pray for them and extend forgiveness to them, it releases us both–it moves me closer toward continued healing from the injury and at some level it releases them. In that sense, forgiveness is an energetic exchange between parties: I send the intention, the prayer, the blessing of forgiveness out into the universe and whether the recipient knows I’ve forgiven them or not, that intention, goodwill flows out to them. I can’t speak for how they experience it, but I take it on faith that it happens. And when I have had the opportunity to directly offer forgiveness to the person and they have been able to receive it, we have each the been better for it.
Point #2: You can only ask for forgiveness, but if someone chooses not to forgive you there’s nothing you can do about that. A person can earnestly apologize, ask for forgiveness for something they’ve done wrong or have been perceived as having done wrong. “I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for what I didn’t do. I don’t even know what I did or what happened, but I’m sorry to have hurt you. Please forgive me.” People will have a variety of reactions to our apologies, including doubting the sincerity of them. If they choose not to believe you or accept them and extend forgiveness, there is little we can do to make it better.
“It is much harder,” my friend commented, “to venture to ask for forgiveness, sometimes repeatedly, and not get it.” My response to them is “Stop it.” Stop asking. In my opinion, you get to a point where you are no longer asking for forgiveness but are begging someone for something they’ve shown themselves to be unwilling or unable to give. When we chase after something it becomes remarkably elusive; the more we run after it the faster it runs away. Forgiveness is a bit like that, the more we harangue the person we’re apologizing to the less likely they are to respond favorably. When you sincerely apologize, seeking the person’s pardon, then it is a relief when that pardon is extended. But if it is not, you nonetheless have to let go of the need to be forgiven and, as best you can, let it go.
All of this forgiveness business doesn’t stand alone. From my perspective it is sprinkled liberally with prayer, good will, love, and positive intention. Everything begins the the intention. “I am so very sorry,” is my acknowledgment that I recognize that I did something to hurt you and I regret it. “Please forgive me,” asks something of the other person: Please see my acknowledgment and regret of causing pain, know that I didn’t intend it, and give me an opportunity to do it differently next time. Take your time. Each person plays a part in this dance, and it’s important to remember that forgiveness is not an event, it is a process. It’s not a “one and done” proposition; it’s an ongoing, continual practice. And through it all, whether you are one seeking forgiveness or the one offering it, be patient and kind as best you can, offering it all in the same spirit as you would offer a prayer. Simply put, do the best you can. And in the midst of the seeking and offering, do so with a generous and grateful heart.
“The quality of mercy is not strained.It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blessed:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.” ~William Shakespeare
If you substitute “mercy” for forgiveness you have the general idea: forgiveness blesses the giver and the receiver. And so it is.
