This evening I am almost too tired to write. I knew when I conked out on the nightly news this evening I was in some trouble. And so we shall see how far I get before conking out again.
I decided that I can’t go to sleep without taking a few moments to express gratitude. It doesn’t take a great deal of effort. I’m not going to be very articulate this evening, but it is what it is. I am grateful this evening for what William Ernest Henley calls, “my unconquerable soul.” When I think about the various things I’ve been through in my life–and I don’t want to mischaracterize them as deeply tragic–I am grateful for the ability to pick myself and keep going. I believe we each possess within us a spark of the divine. I call it my “god essence.” It is a peaceful, calm, serene presence at the center of my being. In quiet moments, I can sometimes be in touch with it. When my life is stressful and chaotic and I feel like my head is about to come flying off my shoulders from all the pressure, at my center is that peaceful serenity that makes almost no sense.
I have written about this many times before, so I apologize if I appear to be as a broken record, constantly returning to the same themes over and over again. But I remain grateful for the inner strength and resilience I have that has enabled me to bounce back from challenges. I have learned over time to work with what’s in front of me, to make the best of what I’ve been given, to be faithful with what I’ve been given as preparation to receive more. My life over the last few years has certainly had its ups and downs, but through it all, my inner self has remained strong and steady and true.
I do not take this for granted, and yet I am no longer surprised by it. On those occasions when I reach a moment of frustration, anger, despair, loneliness, or any number of other “difficult” emotional states, I find that I don’t linger in them for long periods of time like I once did. I acknowledge what I feel–throw a tantrum, cry, put my head in my hands and sigh, etc.–and move on. I’d love to say that this is the result of some deep, longstanding spiritual practice. In reality it has grown simply from my trusting that inner serenity and my ability to tap into it, sometimes groping for it in blind desperation, other times gently reaching out for it and finding it there, warm and reassuring.
At times it all seems rather surreal to me, this life I am living, this journey I am taking. But I am grateful for it and continue to travel and see where the path next leads me. Dr. Maya Angelou said, “Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good.” As I prepare to take my rest this evening, I believe I’ll do just that: offer gratitude as my pillow, and include in that prayer gratitude for the stamina to express it this evening. And so it is.
Please enjoy the poem, Invictus, by William Ernest Henley:
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
