Tonight is one of those nights that I sincerely hope I have the energy to convey the information, the message that I have to share. I feel the ideas tickling at the periphery of my consciousness, and hope that I can coax them into the light of my awareness so I can pass them along. We shall see how it goes. Pray, church.
Every once in a while something happens for which you are totally unprepared, or if you are prepared it’s only because you’ve imagined over and over again what it might be like, what you might do if something, this one thing ever happened. But then when it does, especially if it’s a long time coming, you scarcely remember what it was you thought you would do in the particular circumstance. For example if you’ve ever said, “If I ever see so-and so person again in this lifetime, I will give them a piece of my mind.” Or it may be that you took an action that had unintended consequences that should the situation present itself again you would take a completely different approach. Sometimes, in fact often, we don’t get the chance to undo something or to have a chance to speak one more time to a person whom we really needed to tell something. And so we pull ourselves together and move on as best we can, hoping to learn whatever lessons the Universe placed in the midst of the situation.
This has been an interesting time for me. I suppose I would characterize it as a “I was minding my own business when…” kind of time. Blessings sometimes come like that, out of the blue. Sometimes difficulties come out of the blue as well; I learned that from the series of unfortunate events that clobbered me from out of the blue a few years ago. Recently I was contacted by someone I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear from again. We’d scarcely spoken to one another in nearly 20 years and much had passed between us that would make reconnecting with them unlikely. So when I received an email from them asking if I was willing to talk with them it caught me completely off guard. What would we say to each other after all these years? I asked myself as I wrote a reply and waited for the phone to ring. When it did, the years suddenly dropped away. They began the conversation with an apology for all that had happened and asked for my forgiveness. There it was.
The sting of all that had happened before had long since eased. When I checked into the recesses and corners of my heart and mind I found no lingering vestiges of pain, anger, or any of the emotions I might have held at one time. I looked for them, but they weren’t there. What remained was interest, curiosity, and connection that had once been there. I was able to say with complete sincerity that I had forgiven them long ago and had moved on. I hadn’t said that it had been easy or difficult nor how long it had taken me to get there, how much work I had done on myself in the intervening years. I had not known until that moment the depth of my recovery. I mean, I thought I was “better,” that I had truly forgiven and moved on, but where was my evidence? Until confronted with the person or persons who has “wronged” you, how can you know how much progress you’ve made?
I am grateful for the ongoing practice of forgiveness and compassion that I’ve actively attended to over the years. Forgiveness is not some magnanimous act that we bestow upon another person out of the goodness of our hearts. To me, it is a way of being that is born in part out of grace–I have been forgiven many times by many people for many things–and likewise born out of pain and healing and letting go. I have learned to let go of many things–from perceived slights to significant acts that caused grief, pain, and suffering. Forgiveness occurs are various levels in various stages. The deeper the wound, the more difficult it is to let go of the pain and extend forgiveness, and the longer it takes to recover and heal. But if we’re fortunate there are those moments when forgiveness has deepened to a point at which the last vestiges of pain are gone and healing is complete. I am not sure that I have achieved that level of completeness with my old friend who contacted me, but it sure feels like it.
I remain incredibly grateful for the gift of forgiveness, and it really is a gift. I still have a lot of growing to do in my capacity to forgive, to develop compassion for myself and what I’ve suffered as well as others and what they’ve suffered. As part of my lovingkindness practices I offer good wishes to all beings, including (and especially) the group of people referred to as “enemies,” whom I refer to as “those with whom I struggle or whom I need to forgive.” It is an important muscle to exercise frequently, to wish well to those who have done you ill. But it is nothing less than Jesus, Buddha, and many wise spiritual beings expect from us. As with gratitude, lovingkindness, compassion, forgiveness, generosity, and other practices are becoming part of my daily life. While I have much to learn, I have also grown. And for that measure of growth I am most exceedingly grateful.
