What a day. I’ve been thinking a lot about faith lately. I’ve had occasion to wonder about it over the past few months. Today was a low energy kind of day that reminded me that although I have incorporated a number of elements into my life to keep the blues at bay, there are some times when I’m just going to feel sad. I vegged for a few hours, watching my nephew’s football game online and another game on television, before deciding to get off the sofa and trying to do some work. I didn’t get very far with the project I was working on–the combination of my off mood and complicated work resulted in frustration, which I certainly didn’t need to add to the mix. I finally gave up on the work, thinking that maybe if I meditated for a little while I could clear my head enough to get back to work. It wasn’t to be, not today. About midway through the meditation, I felt a wave of sadness hit and I let it.
I am learning to be patient with myself when these moments come. I cried, I talked to God, I breathed. In the midst of my grief burst, I told God I was tired and asked for help. I asked God if she/he is even real, if she’s “up there” and that if she is would she mind reminding me. Maybe she could send me a sign. My faith used to be much more solid than it is right now. Perhaps I am in the midst of another “dark night of the soul.” I don’t mind those; I’ve had them before. I think I’m just ready for the bright morning of the soul, if there is such a thing.
As I’m writing tonight I realize that I feel a great pressure at times to be positive, to be upbeat. When I talk to others I talk about gratitude, about all the things I’m doing to remain optimistic and hopeful. I talk very little about days like this when it’s takes a lot of effort just to feel barely okay. For very nearly all of 2011 I have lived in a cycle of struggling and overcoming, struggling and overcoming and struggling some more. I am tired. Part of my mind is aware, as it always is, that my struggles are so much less than those that others face. But this is my journey and theirs is theirs. I know that I will undoubtedly feel better in the morning; I usually do.
Anyway, because this is my gratitude blog, I will express what I am grateful for. I appreciate the storms; this one cleared my mental air and I was able to exhale and get on with the evening. When I finish writing tonight, I will play my guitar and allow the gift of music that I’ve been given to lift my spirits a bit. Mama said there’d be days like this, so it’s alright. After all, tomorrow is another day.
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