Lessons in Gratitude Day 87

Another quiet Saturday. I spent the day with just my dog and myself for company. To my relief, I have been on an emotional even keel today–often when I’ve spent this much time by myself I get the blues. Remarkably, I’ve been pretty good, even with marking the anniversary of my father’s death yesterday. I am grateful simply for feeling good. Over the course of the past several months I can recall times when I struggled mightily to even want to get out of bed and go through the day. There were times when feeling “okay” would have been good enough, anything was better than the depression that took hold of me from time to time. I do not take for granted the times that I feel good. I also do not cling desperately to them. I appreciate when I feel pretty good and do my best not to despair when I get the blues. This is all part of a process of moving toward well-being.

I am grateful for another day, another week. This has been a long and interesting week, beginning with my being out of state Sunday through Tuesday, and wrapping up with my having spent the past few days by and with myself. I’ve had occasion recently to consider the possibility that I might be living by myself for a time. If I were to get a job out of state, it is not likely that Jared will move to wherever I go. After all, he has his own life. For the first time in my life–literally–I would be living by myself. I’ve either lived with parents and siblings, roommates or significant others and eventually with my children. I must admit to having been a little concerned that I might not like or be able to function very well by myself. So in some ways being by myself since Wednesday night has been a good experience.

Being able to be alone but not lonely, even for a brief period of a few days is a good thing. Over the past few months I’ve definitely suffered from bouts of loneliness, and those bouts inevitably tangled together with sadness and depression–they all sort of run in the same circle. My journey toward wholeness and well-being  has taken me through these times and along the way I’ve been developing and strengthening tools to help me. And while I’m not fully “out of the woods” yet, I am definitely turning a corner. So these past few days I’ve been alright on my own. In the poem, “The Invitation,” author Oriah Mountain Dreamer asks, “I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and truly like the company you keep in the quiet moments.” Good question. I like to think I took some steps toward answering that for myself this weekend. As I’ve said before, I still have a way to go on this journey, but I can look back and be grateful for the distance I’ve come so far.

One of the things I’ve really come to appreciate over time is the little things; when I refer to simple gratitude in this blog, it is usually for relatively small things. Tonight I am grateful for my own company being enough. While I suspect that I will generally continue to prefer having human connection, it is good to know that I can be by myself and be alright. Tonight I will play my guitar and entertain myself with music for a little while before taking my rest. For some reason, I feel compelled to share the words to the poem, “Invictus,” which was a favorite of folks in my family before it was popularized in the movie of the same name. I recited it aloud for myself at times when I needed inspiration. Enjoy.

Invictus, by William Ernest Henley (1875)

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.