It felt good to be back at the park walking this afternoon. I hadn’t been in over a week. It had rained earlier in the day, but by the time I hit the park it was dry but overcast. By the time I did my mile and a half the sun had emerged. The air was cool and refreshing, particularly after having kept myself shut up in the house all of Friday and Saturday. Good to be out, to be walking, to think and at times talk out loud. I realized today that that’s what I do when I walk–talk to myself, talk to God, talk to the critters along the path. Of course I don’t do this while others are around, lest anyone think I was looney. But I find that processing aloud is part complaint, part prayer, and partly about hearing my own voice.
I can remember many years ago when I first got divorced and the kid’s dad would come pick them up and take them for the weekend. At one point I realized that from the time they left on Friday afternoon until they returned on Sunday evening I sometimes would go through the entire weekend without speaking to or hearing from another human being. Sometimes I would talk to the dog just because I hadn’t heard a human voice. So talking to myself as I walk or talking to the dog, as I do periodically now when I’ve been on my own for a while reminds me of those days. It connects back to the idea of learning how to be alone without suffering from loneliness. I reckon that some times it’ll be easier than others, but it’s definitely manageable.
As I walked around the park today I found myself thinking some more about clarity. Last week while on my “mission,” I had a real moment of clarity. I was grateful because, before my trip last week I had been concerned about feeling uncertain, ambiguous, conflicted about a particular action I was contemplating. During my time away I got a very clear sense that it would be a serious mistake to take an action I had been pondering. Some of the nagging misgivings I’d had beforehand were confirmed and then punctuated by a resounding, “Don’t do this!” While my life has had it’s share of drama over the past several months, had I ignored my misgivings and proceeded to take action anyway, I’ve little doubt that the drama would be compounded. I am thankful that when I’d prayed for a clear answer, I got it.
So today I had a revelation. I realized that up to this point much of the clarity I’ve received has been of the nature of “no, don’t do that.” So much of what I know or decide about what’s next or what I want is often determined first by what it’s not or what I don’t want. There’s a title of a book I have about finding the right work situation called, “I Don’t Know What I Want, But I Know It’s Not This.” While I definitely understand the concept, it seems kind of like a backwards way of going about things. So tonight I am asking for clarity for what to do versus what not to do, about how to get what I want rather than avoid getting what I don’t. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy over the past few years reworking my language to state things as affirmatively as possible, in terms of what I want, of what’s possible, of what’s positive. I think in the midst of much of the negative stuff that befell me some months ago, I forgot that in asking for clear answers I need to ask for clarity in the affirmative. That begins tonight.
I am grateful that clarity is coming–that the right opportunities find me and I will recognize and know as clearly what to do about them as I knew what not to do in the recent situation. I’m grateful for clarity in the week ahead. Gratitude and holding positive expectations are a powerful combination. I’m looking forward to seeing what unfolds next.
Gray September Day at the SF Bay
