This is such an interesting time in my life. I am learning to let go of things–mostly worry, fear and stress–and embrace calm, equanimity, and peace. Seriously. Of course it isn’t that easy, but note I said I am learning to let go. I still have a way to go with all of this. I also have to remember to let go of attachments. For example the other day I was telling Jared how good I was feeling. I was almost giddy and also aware of that little fear that the feeling good was only temporary. I reminded myself not to be attached to feeling good, to enjoy it in the moment. And I did.
And then today I didn’t feel so good, I hadn’t slept as well the night before. Briefly I thought, “Uh oh, that’s two nights in a row I haven’t slept well. And today I don’t feel quite on top of things. I’m going backward here.” I spent the better part of the morning in a rather unproductive and frustrating search through various job sites looking for potential positions. I realized I was feeling a little down. I said to Jared, “I’m not feeling so good today, but I’m alright with that.” It was partly an attempt to cheer myself up and partly the truth. I was determined not to give into fear. I gave up on the job search, closing the computer and taking a few minutes to read before I had to take Jared to work. Those few minutes reading was all it took to lighten my mood. It wasn’t so much the content I was reading, it was the change in the activity, the shift in energy that I needed to get back on an even keel. By the time we headed out the door I was able to report that I was feeling pretty good again. After I dropped him off, I headed to the park to walk, which is always a good thing.
My normal Thursday afternoon routine got changed today at the last moment. Even that didn’t throw me. I readjusted. I improvised. I did something different. It was all good. I got to my mediation group and the regular teacher wasn’t there–it’s been either three weeks or a month since she was last there. I was a little bummed. But, as I’ve practiced for the past three weeks, I opened my heart and listened to the dharma talk given by the teacher who was there. And it was really good. See what happens when you let go of routine, of expectations, of attachments? Good things can happen. I am learning, and it’s a good thing.
Tomorrow is Friday–if you’ve been reading my blog, you know what that means. Well, what it has meant. I had taken to calling Fridays “blue Friday.” But I think I’m going to stop breathing life into the idea that I’m going to have the blues. In fact I think I’ll just relax and take it as it comes–no drama, no stress. I’m going to let it be what it is. We’ll see how it goes. Tonight I’m grateful for being open to the possibilities. I am learning to live with the unfolding. I feel like touching my own brow to see if I am feverish, because this isn’t quite like me, at least the me I was. The me I’m becoming seems to be releasing attachment to drama and am ready to roll with whatever happens. We’ll see how that goes. And, as you can now count on, I’ll be reporting in here to let you know what happens.
