Okay, I admit it. I just watched Kirk Franklin’s “I Smile” video about half dozen times. I’m listening to it even as I type. What is it about that video? It’s the beauty of the faces of each individual as they sing that most captivates me. There’s definitely power in the song, there’s a great beat, uplifting lyrics, etc. But for me, it’s about the faces. Even as I listen now I can visualize the faces of the people singing and smiling. I stood up and sang and moved around my room and could feel the energy moving through me. It’s a beautiful thing. I am grateful tonight for that power, that energy that dwells on the inside. I think we all have it, whether we recognize it or not.
Tonight I am in a more reflective mode, so I’m not going to write much.
I need to remember to keep breathing. Sometimes I feel like I’m holding my breath, waiting. Not really even sure what I’m waiting for, but there’s such a sense of anticipation. It’s a curious balance I’ve been trying to strike–living in the moment where this moment is all there is, and planning for or anticipating the future. I feel like I’ve been in a holding pattern for a while now. I still walk into my living room and am greeted by a wall of boxes that I’ve made no move to unpack or store. The same is true of my bedroom/office, where the closet holds a stack of about a dozen boxes, mostly of my work-related books.
When are you going to unpack those boxes? I ask myself in a nagging, needling sort of way.
Part of me says, Okay, just set a deadline and get it done. Where are you going to put the Christmas tree with all those boxes in the way? Christmas tree??
Still another voice (or maybe it’s the first one) says, What makes you think you’ll still be here at Christmas time? Why bother unpacking if you’re just going to have to pack it all back up to move?
You can perhaps see why I am in a holding pattern. And I am clear that I am the one holding myself there.
Where do you want to be?
Ah, now that’s a really good question. And the fact that I don’t have an immediate answer points to where the challenge lies. If a double-minded person is unstable in all her ways, then I am looking a bit shaky. And…I have to be alright with that. Where I am is where I am. My life got shaken up real good there for a while (kind of like one of those snow globes that you shake up and everything is swirling around in there) and so far everything hasn’t settled back into its new place. My wishing it to be so notwithstanding, I can’t hurry this along.
So once again I am grateful for faith–for that calm voice that pops up periodically when everything inside of me wants to freak out. Keep moving forward; even if it’s the tiniest step you’re still headed toward where you want to go. Take action every day, even if it feels woefully inadequate, it’s still action. And trust that everything is going to work out. You are not in this by yourself. Somehow in the midst of the blizzard within the snow globe, everything is going to fall into place. Now I just have to remember to breathe.
© 2011 M. T. Chamblee
