Whew another long and good day. I am really tired but need to remain awake for my 5-day-per week, 12 mile trek into Berkeley to pick up Jared from work. A few months ago, it seemed like we’d be making this drive forever–July through November seemed impossibly long. But now we are only a few weeks away from this particular finish line. We’ll both be grateful when he can start driving again.
I am grateful this evening for a few things, and if my brain holds out for the next 30 minutes or so, I’ll perhaps remember all of them. First, I am grateful for discipline. Sometimes it is only discipline, stick-to-itiveness that carries me through to doing things I don’t feel like doing, completing projects I’ve started but pooped out in the middle of, etc. all those things that require a little extra oomph to accomplish. I had a conference call this morning during which about half of the six of us on the call indicated how much they hate structure, and while I admit that too much structure can feel rigid and inflexible, too little structure can feel wildly out of control and “loosey goosey.” While structure and discipline are two different but related things, interestingly one of my colleagues on the call who doesn’t particularly care for structure nonetheless disciplines herself to participate in 10 day silent meditation retreats. Sounds like structure to me! I feel like I’ve been strengthening my discipline over the last several months–through intentionally cultivating mindfulness and practicing meditation, through the act of sitting down each evening to write this blog, through taking my body through this detoxifying cleanse process. There’s a lovely order and discipline to engaging in these and other practices that are contributing to an overall sense of well-being. Such a lovely thing.
I also continue to be deeply thankful for the presence of wonderful people in my life. In my very first blog I wrote about my friend Roland, with whom I had lunch today. We only connect about once every three or four weeks, but we always pick right up where we left off. Time spent with him is always a lovely, connected, spirit-lifting space of mutual respect and love and we’re truly interested in each other’s lives. Likewise, I appreciate my friend Mary with whom I connect once or twice each week. Our conversations range from deeply spiritual concepts and notions to any number of mundane, silly things. And we laugh a lot, mostly at ourselves and the situations we get ourselves into. Today I hung out with Mary along with her husband and daughter. It was fun and interesting and relaxed. Over the months of drama and trauma that I went through, the steadfastness of Mary’s friendship held me through rough times into the healing I am now beginning to enjoy. I’ve relied on friends and family a lot during this time, and it’s been a particular blessing to have folks right here in my same time zone and close at hand.
And simple gratitude: for a good day start to finish, wire to wire. Many months ago I wasn’t sure I could make it to having one hour in which I felt good over the course of a day, let alone an entirely good day. I am tired and past ready for sleep, but I am good. I really do thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul. And if you need a reminder, here again is the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley:
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
©2011 M. T. Chamblee
