I am looking at the blinking cursor and looking at the word count at the bottom of the window I’m typing in, which a moment ago said 0. The cursor is kind of like a heartbeat, it flashes on a particular rhythm. To a writer I think sometimes the cursor blinking is a taunting, mocking thing. It invites you to write something, anything, even if it’s not very good, if only so the cursor will start following words instead of preceding a blank screen and the word count moves from 0 to something approximating a reasonable number of words. So I look at the blinking cursor, the empty word count and the blank screen, then I take a deep breath and give into the taunting and begin typing.
I have confessed a number of times in these 121 days that sometimes I start with very little to say. Sometimes the word count remains uneasily low. I sit and watch the taunting cursor and I think, “This is the day that I don’t write the blog because I don’t feel like I have anything interesting to say.” Sometimes I worry that this daily focus on something I am grateful for becomes as much about my introspective navel gazing as it is about what I am grateful for. I sometimes get stuck in that worry, but I push through it for “my faithful readers.” I don’t feel a particular burden to produce something, but I want to feel like I am saying something worthwhile, something if not earth shattering then at least of value. I suppose that’s the hope of every writer. So I am grateful tonight for those times of few words. Sometimes I don’t have enough to fill a page, but I can at least share some statements of simple gratitude.
Gratitude is embedded in my heart, my spirit. It’s kind of there no matter what. What expressing it in writing has done is more firmly embedded it as part of my life, but also made it even more alive, and more real for having shared it with other people. I have a lot still that I want to learn about things like gratitude, generosity and many other practices that are both spiritual and natural. But I think that sharing these concepts with others potentially inspires them/us toward even more gratitude, generosity, lovingkindness, etc. At least I hope so. That’s what happens for me when I see examples, role models of those for whom the acts and expressions of gratitude, etc. are part of the way they walk in the world. I want to give of myself in whatever ways I can that much more. So, I write…I brave the flashing cursor and I write for at least this one more day.
As a complete aside, but I need to mention this: On this Sunday (October 30) I will fly out of state for a job interview on Monday. I am grateful to have the opportunity to evaluate and be evaluated for my “fit” for this particular job. I am doing my best to hold it loosely, to focus on this next step of the journey, to stay as present as I can and not project into the future, spinning out dozens of “what if” scenarios. I am trying not to place an inordinate amount of weight on this potential job. This has not been easy, but I am managing it. All I can do is take my best self into this experience–my real, authentic self– and represent who I am and what I offer as best I can. That is my plan. And I’m sticking to it.
I’m so grateful. I can’t fully express it, but I am.
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