Lessons in Gratitude Day 173

Tonight I am a bit baffled, but at the end of the day am standing. Today I went sailing off the metaphorical mechanical bull that is my life and bounced off a wall, landing in a heap on the floor dazed and shaky.

This morning I got down on my knees and prayed. In fact, I got down on the floor with my “crying towel” and called out to God asking for help. I had hit a wall of sorts and was feeling overwhelmed by some of the current pressures of life. Not quite sure about what to do with the feelings, I figured I would return to an old practice: getting on my knees and calling out to God. I wasn’t down there for very long. I cried, I prayed, I breathed. I hadn’t quite finished or gotten up when my cell phone rang. It was Michal (I could tell from the ring tone.) Clearing the tears out of my voice, I answered in a relatively “normal” tone. “Mom, I’ve been in a car accident.”

After I ascertained that she was not hurt and I was able to exhale, I was struck by a number of different thoughts, only some of which I can name. The first odd thought was, “Wow, that was fast, God, but not quite what I was looking for.” The other thought, also odd, was that I was not surprised by the call; I’d had a vague sense of foreknowing that it was going to happen. (As it turns out, so did she.) Last night she’d told me she was thinking about driving back up to school for a few days. It turns out that she’d forgotten some things at her apartment that she’d wanted to take with her for upcoming holiday travel. My indistinct feeling of unease began with the idea of her making that hour-long drive back up to school; and I suggested some alternative ideas like her picking up some of the items at the store. But I didn’t push it last night. This morning when she’d told me she was going to drive over to the mall (about ten minutes from here), I felt better about the decision, and only mildly bothered. Then about an hour or so later, the phone call.

I am grateful that Michal was not physically hurt. She was scared, shaken, and apologetic, as well as disappointed in and angry at herself. It was a long and exhausting day. After first dealing with the insurance company, etc. then taking Michal to get checked out by the doctor we came home tired and out of sorts. Tomorrow we will deal with auto body shops and estimates and in the days to come will sort out some of the other stuff that comes along in the aftermath of car accidents. I am left wondering about it all and will privately ponder what if anything I will make of the timing and of the premonitory sense of unease that nagged at me before the accident occurred.

I am not overwhelmed with gratitude this evening. Yes, I am truly grateful that Michal is safe and relatively unharmed and the other driver, while slightly injured and shaken up also seemed to be alright. In the midst of trying to sort out from a spiritual perspective why this happened, I ended up in a verbal sparring match with someone close to me. It was emotionally draining and added to an overall sense of frustration and discouragement. It wasn’t pretty. As of the time of this writing, I am much calmer though tired. I am likely to continue my conversation with God, though I don’t think I’ll be on my knees this evening. We shall see what comes of the discussion.

I want to pass along a video that was shared with me via email by a friend I rarely hear from but who “out of the blue” sent the link this afternoon. I was too busy earlier to watch it until a few moments ago. TEDxSF – Louie Schwartzberg – Gratitude. It was just exactly what I needed to see as I close out this day. I must once again thank God, the Universe, Creator, etc. for the little nudge of encouragement I always seem to get just when I am about to throw in the towel and give up. As the old gospel tune says, “I feel like going on. I feel like going on. Though trials come on every hand, I feel like going on.” This really is a day-by-day, moment-by-moment journey. At this moment, I do believe I’ll go on. May it be so.