Today has been one of those days. I have spent the last few hours working on my 2011 tax returns. As one might, given what I’ve written about 2011, the tax preparation process will be a bit more involved as I worked for only part of the year, received taxable unemployment benefits (why do they tax unemployment benefits?), and earned some consulting income. I remember doing my 2010 taxes last March in a fog of grief, depression and distraction. This year I don’t expect to have the grief, but the process could be a bit foggy and distracted nonetheless. Gratitude number one for this evening is that this is an annual process and doesn’t happen on a regular basis. Doing this is not fun.
I woke up this morning with good intentions about what I was going to get done and somehow things got sidetracked. It has been an emotional mechanical bull kind of day–I’ve been tossed around a bit in between various moods: upbeat and content during my walk at the Park today (the weather was absolutely beautiful again) to anxious and worried (even before I started doing my taxes), and a variety of emotions in between. I recognize and accept that there are going to be days like this, so I am not too bent out of shape about it. I will take a little time before I turn in for the night to do some reading, some lovingkindness meditation, pray, watch some comical YouTube videos, or engage in some activity/activities that will help even out my mood before I go to sleep. So tonight I’ll offer a little simple gratitude and close.
I am grateful for just how beautiful it was today. I went out to the Park and was able to walk my usual mile and a half at a reasonable pace. That felt good. On my way around, I passed a white egret tucked down in a grassy area. I was quite happy to see it–it’s the first time I’ve seen an egret in all my visits to the Park. I snapped a picture of it with the camera I received as a gift this past Christmas. I am so grateful for the gift because I so love to take photos of the Bay and the wildlife around it (and of course the wild turkeys that hang out in my neighborhood). I’ll resist the temptation to include some photos in this blog. Suffice it to say that I have many really wonderful close up shots of birds and squirrels and turkeys as well as crisp, clear photos of the waters and bridges of the San Francisco Bay. The weather is supposed to be even nicer tomorrow (sunny and 66 degrees), so I will perhaps bring Honor with me to the Park so she can run around and enjoy herself.
I am grateful that I have come to recognize how to pick myself up out of the blues. Until things in my life smooth out and get a bit more stable, I’m going to have times when I don’t feel so great. Experience has taught me that these moments pass–I rarely spend an entire day in a depressed funk like I once might have. I am a lot more patient with myself because I know that no matter how badly I might feel in the moment, that moment will pass. This too shall pass. This past Thursday at the meditation group the teacher was talking about equanimity. He said, “You don’t turn away from hard experiences and heartbreaks, and you don’t cling and grasp for good experiences, you learn how to be present with whatever arises.” I am learning to cultivate an equanimous way of being in the world, and I suspect I’ll have many more opportunities to practice. This is a good thing. May we all enjoy equanimity–mental calmness, composure and evenness of temper–no matter what arises. May we be happy and peaceful and live with joy, ease, and wellbeing. Let it be so!
