“These are the times that try men’s souls.” The thought popped into my head as I sat wearily in front of the computer watching the cursor blink. It’s 9 p.m. here in California. I was ready for sleep a hour ago but had to stay up to pick my son up from work, which mercifully was at 8 p.m. rather than the usual 11 p.m. I was up at 5:15 this morning, not happily so, but awake at 5 a.m. with the adrenalized surge that I get some mornings. After 15 minutes of telling myself it was too early to get up and to go back to sleep I gave up, padded out to the bathroom then came back and started my morning writing ritual. That has been one good thing that has come from this new early waking routine. Having spent much of my life as a night owl, this early rising is throwing my rhythms all off. Plus, it’s not like I’m getting to bed any earlier. So I wake and I write and with any luck I’ll continue to write something in the evenings, mostly to get back into the expression of gratitude.
Today has been a good day, relatively speaking. I can say, however, that I am living through a trying time. That I continue to seek ways of remaining positive in the midst of the trial is somewhat remarkable and is what keeps me sane, for the most part. I was thinking the other day that I have long been an overcomer–a hang on through whatever storms may be buffeting me at the time. I am grateful for this attribute, passed to me through ancestral lines from people who endured much more than I’ve been faced with in my lifetime. I realize as I look back at various periods of my life that depression has been a lifelong companion; not necessarily one that a person would like to have along on the journey, but a constant nonetheless. And in spite of this constant presence I have managed to accomplish a fair amount. So, on the “blue days” that I experience occasionally, I am kind to myself about it and know I can wait it out and it will pass. I’ve learned that if I can put one foot in front of the other and manage to get a few things done I can still make a blue day a good one. I am grateful for this perseverance that I’ve spoken of from time to time in this blog.
Recently I’ve watched a loved one struggle through depression–unfortunately this “dis-ease” can run in families, and it certainly does in mine. It’s hard to watch someone you love suffering and I have at times offered and suggested some of the tools I’ve used to combat it. But then I realize that we are each on our own journeys and that the tools and strategies that work to help me work through it could prove to be totally ineffectual for someone else. So I pray for him, offering what I can when I can but otherwise remaining silent as he goes through it. Somehow I know we all will emerge on the other side of this, though that sometimes seems like a fantasy. That is where the faith I spoke of yesterday comes in. I am grateful for the strength that flows through me, that I’ve drawn upon many times over the last year. It reminds me that we humans can be very resilient people, and for some of us our best selves emerge out of the fires of difficulty and grief. Such an emergence is a beautiful thing. In the blank canvas days and life challenges I still have a head of me over the next days and weeks, I’ll look forward to continuing to allow more of my best self to shine through. I’ll let you know how it’s going.
In the meantime, may we be happy and peaceful in the days of turmoil and uncertainty that plague us all from time to time. May we live with joy, ease, and wellbeing. May we be safe and protected from harm. May we be healthy and strong in our bodies. May we face the occasional arising of life’s difficulties with calm and balance. Let it be so!
