One of the challenging things about committing to writing about gratitude on a daily basis comes when one has a day that is emotionally trying. Writing every day means that no matter what transpires I will reflect on the day and find those breaks in the clouds and rain that allow the rays of gratitude to break through, no matter how briefly. Today has been a mixed-bag kind of day. It began really early when I rose at 4 a.m. to drive my daughter to the San Francisco airport (about 32 miles) to catch a flight out to visit another prospective graduate school–her third visit in as many weeks. We drove through heavy wind and rain but I was able to deliver her on time without incident to catch her flight. As I turned and headed home, I found myself singing a lovingkindness meditation that I had set to music some years ago (interestingly it was long before I had really delved into developing a meditation practice.) May I be filled with lovingkindness. May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be truly happy. Repeating the phrases calmed me as I drove through the intense weather, and I found myself praying for several minutes of the drive. Along the way I passed a serious accident scene where a car had flipped over and was resting on its roof. Michal and I had driven through that stretch of road only a little while before that. I found myself once again grateful for the traveling mercies that accompany me as I take myself from place to place, and I also found myself praying for the people who’d been involved in the accident.
When I got home it was not quite 6 a.m., which over the past few weeks has been my new normal waking time. Instead of staying up and engaging in my morning writing practice, I decided to try to go back to sleep for a couple of hours before going out to breakfast with my friend Mary. I probably managed about an hour. Considering I had only gotten about four hours of sleep the previous night, I took what I can get. The rest of the morning and day was a bit of a blur. It included a visit with my ex-partner during which I somewhat uncharacteristically cried (briefly) and recognized that I still have yet more pain to release from the ending of that relationship a little over a year ago. When I returned home from that impromptu visit it was to receive a phone call to learn I had not gotten a job that I’d interviewed for back in December. I must confess that both experiences stacked on top of one another were difficult to process, particularly on little sleep, and for a time I was a bit back on my heels.
Given all the emotional energy I’d expended it was a relief to be able to go into work at the Berkeley Food Pantry this afternoon. I got to spend a little time working by myself when I first got there, which allowed me to calm and quiet my over-anxious mind and my weary heart. When I came downstairs and joined back in with the full crew of volunteers as we prepared the food bags we would later distribute to over fifty individuals families, I was reminded about why I love volunteering at the Pantry. I would happily go to a workplace where I had such terrific coworkers. During my job search of the past 11 months, whenever I envision the kind of place I want to work, I have a real life example of the type of spirit and energy I want to be part of in whatever I do next. When I finally do get a full-time job, potentially outside of the state of California one thing I will keenly miss is working with this group of people at this vitally important part of the community. Volunteering at the Berkeley Food Pantry has been one of the largest contributors to my healing and recovery from the series of unfortunate events that befell me in 2o11. I am grateful for and owe a great deal to the wonderful people there.
I am grateful to still be standing after days like this. It hasn’t been a bad day, just an exhausting one. I carry some fears, some pain, some worries about a lot of things over the course of a day and week. But I am grateful for the strength and grace to be able to continue to shoulder them as best I can. And while I look forward to easier days, for now the belief that those days are coming helps to sustain me. May I be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. So may we all.
