Lessons in Gratitude Day 19

I am thankful for another day. Today started out kind of rocky, but somehow as afternoon slid toward evening and evening toward night, it’s somehow righted itself again. And I have to believe that maybe there’s something to this whole gratitude thing. This morning I had a difficult conversation with someone close to me. At times it felt like a rehashing of past hurts and issues and at other times it just felt sad like two people who really want to figure out how to let go of the hurt and somehow remain in conversation, in relationship.

During the conversation, this person pointed to this blog as a sign that something must be going alright in my life. I protested back to them that I struggle to get through every day and that sometimes it was really hard to write the blog. Not because I wasn’t grateful for something every day but because I wasn’t sure I’d have much to say about it. More than once she pointed to the blog and each time I protested about what a struggle my life is. Now as I’m thinking back on the conversation, I realize that in fact there is something about writing this blog every day that is helping me. Right now my awareness of what that is is still forming, like something right on the periphery of my vision–I can’t quite see it clearly, but I know it’s there.

Writing and words have always held power for me, and writing this blog is no exception. My days are not perfect and smooth and easy–I have emotional low points in just about every day. But what I am noticing is this: even when I hit those points of sadness or fear or depression, they aren’t lasting as long as they did. Each day I am thankful. I go through the day–even when I’m struggling–and say “thank you, God” almost like a mantra. I don’t look around for things to blog about later in the day, I’m simply thankful period. Not even for something, just thankful.

I used to be pretty anxious about knowing what my life purpose is (like there’s only one and I have to find it.) Even as I’m job hunting and thinking about what I really want to do with my life, I am drawn to articles and quizzes and chapters that are supposed to help me sort out what my purpose is. I watch people on TV who are doing great things, who have found their calling and are walking in it and I am in awe of them. What about me? I ask. What is my purpose? I was mad at Eckhart Tolle’s book, “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose,” because I was sure that it would tell me, and it didn’t. But what about this? What if I’m already walking in my purpose? What if my purpose is to life my life day by day in gratitude and simplicity? And maybe write about it…

There’s something about this blog thing. There’s something about simply being grateful every day. I have no idea what transformation is taking place, and I might be tested tomorrow with doubt punching holes in my new theory about my life purpose. But for tonight, I believe I’m onto something, and I intend to savor it.