Today I worked pretty much all day. At mid-afternoon I took a bit of a break from some of the packing and cleaning and dejunking I’ve been doing all day since about 6:30 this morning to jot down a few thoughts for tonight’s blog. As I’m running around in all the packing frenzy, I keep passing pieces of furniture or memorabilia that I’ll be leaving behind here in California (either donated or dumped.) I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t take everything with me. Today I looked longingly at the child’s school desk that I bought along with its little oak chair for 20 dollars at a flea market over 20 years ago. I had lovingly stripped off the old icky paint and refinished them both with a very light stain, allowing the beauty of the natural wood grain to stand out wonderfully under the clear finish. And so I found myself thinking about ways I can use the desk even though it’s long since ceased to be useful for its original purpose. And I begin to recognize and acknowledge that this feeling really is all about letting go, at so many levels.
I have studiously ignored my feelings around letting go. I don’t have the luxury of time to explore the myriad complex emotions I have about leaving the Bay area. The current pressures of figuring out what to physically let go of, negotiating with the mover about how much it will cost to haul what I do plan to take, and finding a place to live to there’s somewhere to put my stuff when it gets there is more than enough to keep my mind fully engaged with logistics and my heart safely preoccupied from feeling much more than a vague sense of unease and loss. I need it to remain that way for the next few weeks. Of course, one cannot necessarily plan to have meltdowns or experience waves of sadness when they’re convenient; but if I can will myself into stillness for at least the next couple of weeks so that I can function, that would be greatly appreciated.
Earlier this week I noticed that I haven’t been breathing very much. Obviously we all breathe to stay alive, we’re wired to do that automatically. But I noticed I haven’t been breathing very deeply. As I’ve become conscious of this fact I’ve tried to be much more intentional about drawing a deeper breath every now and again. Shallow breathing, nervous stomach, adrenalized heart and limbs…I realized that I’ve been in “fight or flight” mode the past week or so, those physiological responses to perceived threats that are leftover from our days when our ancestors were more prey than predator and survival was far from guaranteed. At least now that I have this awareness I can take steps to try to ameliorate the symptoms by allowing myself a few minutes here or there over the course of the day to take a deep breath or two and calm myself down. It’s still a bit unnatural, but my breathing is coming a little more comfortably now. My guess is that as things wind down here, I’ll be breathing much more easily, and by say, Thanksgiving, I should be much calmer.
But that will be then and this is now. And in my now, I have to work on breathing. It’s all good. I am grateful to have made it through another day in which I managed to accomplish a number of things. I still have much to do, but it will have to keep until tomorrow as I am too tired for physical work at this point. Besides, I have some business-related work that I have to sit still in order to do. Sitting still is a pretty good thing after spending most of the day standing, bending, reaching, hauling, lifting, pulling, etc. It’ll be some cubed watermelon, acetaminophen, and bedtime for me, hopefully before 11:30 tonight. Tomorrow is an early start and another long, physically tiring day. They’re just going to be like that, and that’s okay. This is what’s true for now.
Perhaps in preparation for tomorrow’s blog I’ll give myself permission to let go a little bit. September 23 is the second anniversary of my father’s death. And while I know I have to work and go about my day as if it’s just another day, my awareness of his absence will be the background music as I continue working. When I sit down tomorrow night to write this blog, I hope to be able to report with deep gratitude that I had a good day. In the meantime, I’ll simply offer gratitude for this one. And so it is.
