Each day I write this blog and post the link to Facebook, asking each night, “What are you grateful for this day?” And I wonder as different people read what they are experiencing about gratitude in their own lives. What are you grateful for each day as you take the few moments required to read these words? I hope sometime you’ll take a moment or two to tell me.
I am grateful for lessons learned most days. I have learned over time to be kinder, more patient and compassionate with myself as I go through the course of daily life. There was a time when I wasn’t particularly kind to myself, particularly during those periods in my life when the external trappings of success were not evident. The beginnings of 2011 when I experienced my series of unfortunate events was one of those challenging times when I truly wondered if I’d angered the gods so great the misfortunes I suffered had seemed. But over the process of months I worked hard, struggled, cried a lot, and persevered to get to a point of relative wellbeing. I definitely still struggled–my outward circumstances had not improved, though my inner responses to life challenges gradually steadied over time, and I learned to hold myself with compassion and gentle lovingkindness.
I had the help of a committed therapist, encouragement and support from family and a handful of close friends, and a fairly inexhaustible supply of grit and determination. There were times when I was not sure how I was going to make it through one more day; I was always pleasantly surprised when I did indeed wake up the next morning relatively in my right mind and ready to face the world again. Much of my blog writing back then was in gratitude for the gifts of perseverance and resilience that I tapped into quite often. I am grateful to this day for those gifts, which I know will continue to see me in good stead throughout the rest of my life.
I am grateful to have a smile on my face, a real one. During the height of my struggles last year, I developed the habit of what I call “smiling on purpose.” I would look in the mirror and break into the cheesiest grin I could manage. Even on days when I woke feeling anxious and fretful about my life circumstances, I would go into the bathroom and smile and laugh at myself in the mirror. I was aware of research that had shown that the human body will produce the same endorphins (the “feel good” hormones) when you fake laughter and smiling as it does when you’re laughing for real. The body doesn’t distinguish between what’s real mirth and what isn’t. So my smiling habit became part of my self-soothing, wellbeing-enhancing regimen. My therapist complimented me on many occasions for how well I was doing at keeping myself emotionally afloat in the midst of some pretty trying circumstances. I didn’t see it at the time, I thought I was barely keeping myself together. But now, some months away from those days I can see a little bit of what she was talking about. I have my share of challenges, but they are not debilitating. I have developed and sharpened the skills I need to take care of my heart.
These days I am grateful to feel good. I used to have a somewhat lower standard–I simply wanted to feel “not too bad.” It’s an odd feeling to say I feel good, and I have to resist the nervous fear that I’ll jinx it somehow. But living moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day means that however I’m feeling right now will be different from how I am feeling tomorrow. Whatever happens, I am learning to go with the flow and have that be alright. I still feel like I have a lot to learn about a lot of things. But also know that I’ve come a long way and have learned a lot in the process–I have the scars and the wisdom to show for it. And I continue to be oh so grateful for the unfolding.
