This morning I woke up and realized that I hadn’t played my guitar yesterday. For the first time in two weeks I missed a day. I had set the challenge to my daughter and myself that we would play our guitars for 21 straight days. And I missed a day after 14 straight. I didn’t dwell on it long. I didn’t say, “Geez, now I have to start all over again on day one.” I realized that I’ve already accomplished what I set out to do.
First of all, I set the challenge to give Michal something to focus on one evening when she was feeling blue. I know that playing her guitar regularly helps keep her creative juices flowing and often helps her either express painful emotions through song or allows the music to uplift her if she’s down. Either way, she wins. Secondly, I realized that I needed to start playing my guitar and singing again. It used to be a way for me to express my feelings and emotions and could carry me to a different place whenever I played and sang. As I’ve been developing tools t work through depression, what could be better than that? So this evening, even though it’s late (I’m a good hour and a half late writing this blog) I’m going to get my guitar out and play and sing, even if only for a few minutes.
I’m grateful this evening for being in the right place at the right time. I am through lamenting the various circumstances that landed me in my current predicaments. The truth is that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not loving the financial challenges, the concerns about getting work, lacking health insurance, etc. Definitely NOT fun. But I believe that everything does happen for a reason, whether those reasons are clear to me is irrelevant. I know that the “series of unfortunate events” that befell me some months ago have all put me on my current path, and it is a good one. I am at times hard pressed to explain how it’s good, but you’ll have to take me at my word. From the inside out, it is good. I am aware that I am writing this a few hours before Blue Friday hits. I recently became aware that I seem to get the blues on Fridays. My therapist helped me think through why that is, so we’ll see how well understanding it translates into overcoming it.
Nevertheless, this is a good path. If it weren’t for some of the drama in my life I would not have found my way to the meditation group that now graces my Thursday nights. Thursday night high followed by Blue Friday–go figure! What I am learning from participating in the group and the reading that I’m doing is that my mind can create more drama than exists in reality. I have the ability to take a series of unfortunate events and spin out all kinds of interpretations, stories, and feelings about them–what did I do wrong? I don’t deserve this or that. I must be a really bad person. I don’t feel smart anymore. Blah, blah, blah. I am not pretending that the things that happened to me weren’t difficult, but I am learning to separate them from my twisted meanings that my mind assigns to them. And even though at one level losing my job is deeply personal, on the other hand it’s not personal at all.
Perhaps it’s because I’m writing this later than usual that I am feeling like I am not conveying this the way I’m feeling it. And that’s okay. Because I always have tomorrow or some other time to clarify it. For tonight let me leave it at this. I am right where I am supposed to be, today, in this moment. I am grateful for that awareness tonight, because tomorrow I’ll have to remind myself all over again. I’m looking forward to Blue Friday. It’ll offer me another opportunity to simply be with what is true, in that moment. It’s all good.
One Response to Lessons in Gratitude Day 36