“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.
I am grateful this evening for the transformative power of suffering. I would not presume to place myself in the same category as the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Junior. the severity and weight of the ills I’ve experienced are not to be compared with all that he went through; but we each experience our own measure of suffering and the choice point as to how we will react to it. I have learned that in this life trials are going to happen. We will encounter difficulties, painful experiences, tragic losses, catastrophic circumstances. Each time we choose whether to be hardened by them or broken open. The breaking is where we, as Dr. King says, “transform the suffering” into a force for good.
As I read back through the many months I have written this blog (I began in June 2011), there are dozens entries that reflect my attempts to make sense of and come to grips with the suffering I was experiencing. These entries focused on my gratitude for persevering, standing strong in the midst of the storm, and learning to be grateful in spite of the suffering. This is not to say that I was happily philosophical about everything that I was going through: there were many days when I howled in rage and grief, cursing God and bemoaning my lot in life. But after each stormy outburst, the sun came back out and life continued and I grew stronger and better able to withstand what was hurled at me or what I hurled at myself. Some suffering is self-inflicted after all.
“Ah, you’re in bardo,” one of my Buddhist teachers told me during a period of struggle, “you’re in the in-between state waiting for what’s wants to come forth next.” I didn’t want to deal with bardo any more than with dukkha (the Buddhist term for suffering or dissatisfaction.) But whether I was in limbo or suffering, whatever condition I found myself in, I had to learn to sit with it in those moments when I wanted to squirm and run away. There was nowhere for me to run from what was happening; all I could do is sit with it and wait for (hope for) it to pass and for me to survive it.
I am grateful for the grace of God that allowed me to withstand the stuggles that I experienced most intensely during 2011 and 2012. I definitely had moments when I truly wasn’t sure I was going to “make it,” but then I knew that not making it wasn’t an option; I had people depending on my ability to pull myself together and be there for them. I am grateful that, up to this point I have chosen transformation. Both bitterness and transformation have a legacy to them, I prefer the legacy of perseverance and strength of will that keeps me going when I would have given up. I have Dr. King and many role models who have gone before me and shown the way for how to learn and grow in grace from the challenges as well as the triumphs. I am grateful.
