I’m getting closer every day, honest. I tell myself most evenings that I need to adjust my routine, change my schedule so that I’m doing important things–like writing this blog–earlier and doing less important things–like watching the news–later. Of course I watch the news while I eat dinner, and can’t type while I eat. This is why my schedule remains a work in progress. I have hope, however, that I can make some small shifts in what I’m doing so I can somehow manage to create time in the evenings to do things while I still have energy.
So far I have been somewhat less than successful at this endeavor: I get home from a commute of anywhere from 60 to 90 minutes, take the dog out for her walk, and then come back inside and contemplate dinner. By this time it is usually between 6:30 and 7:00 p.m. and I eat dinner, usually finishing around 7:30 or 8:00 p.m. By the time I get myself situated with my computer on my lap it is between 8:30 and 9:00 p.m. It takes up to an hour to write depending on how inspired, energetic, and creative I’m feeling. and by the time I finish it’s bedtime. I often don’t have much energy left for reading or doing much of anything except turning out the light and going to sleep.
I am grateful to be here now. To be here right now, in this moment. Tonight I was looking back at past blogs spinning the wheel to see what popped up. None of the earlier blogs spoke to me tonight so I am coming back to myself and where I am today. Sometimes I feel on top of things, sometimes they feel like they’re on top of me. It all seems to be par tof the process of being here now, of living in the moment–this one right now. Each moment brings with it the possibility of something new, a sudden shift of perspective, a different way of thinking about something, an altered frame of reference. Something happens and everything is suddenly different.
Living in the moment has become such an overused expression, but it conveys an important message: tomorrow isn’t promised to me, so what is true in this moment and what would I like to be true? I continue to realize how relatively unimportant the things that I allow to bother me are in the scheme of things. When I consider the arc of my life, from whence it began until now and on its current trajectory how much weight do I give things that are so trivial as to almost be irrelevant? I am gradually learning to let go of many of the things I worry about so unnecessarily, that weigh me down with anxiety, angst, and fear. It’s not easy; I let them go, then suddenly find them in my hands again. So, I let them go again. Eventually I am getting the hang of this game and can let go faster and it takes me much longer to pick things back up again.
I have not reached the eighth level of enlightenment as I joke with my sister about, but I am moving steadily in the direction of not sweating the small stuff. I still react to some of the same silly things I used to: unreasonable demands and reactions by people around me, terrible traffic, taxes, etc. But my reaction is much less extreme and the duration of my ill temper is getting shorter.
I can almost guarantee this: nearly every time I sound like I am congratulating myself on some area that I’ve made progress on or some new concept that I’m learning, a situation arises to challenge my newfound enlightenment. Someone irritates me or something happens that pushes all my buttons and I tumble back down into some deep, dark hole (with a mud puddle at the bottom.) I might sit there, cold and wet, feeling sad and sorry for myself. But after a time, my eyes adjust to the dark and I start to climb back out. And depending on how quickly I recover my sense of calm (and humor) I sometimes fly out. Usually it’s somewhere between crawling and clawing my way out and flying–a slow steady upward climb and I’m back at ground level.
I’m letting things go as best I can as fast as I can, and I’m doing my best to live in the moment. I am not entirely sure where I’m going to end up and what I’m going to be doing, and that’s alright. I’ll figure it out as I go along. How about you? What do you need to let go of?
