Tonight I am starting my blog so late that I decided to spin the RNG wheel and see what I came up with. Before I share tonight’s revisited blog I want to say that I am so grateful for how this day unfolded. For one thing, I woke this morning knowing that I had to leave the house early to make an 8:30 a.m. meeting. As I was getting ready, my phone buzzed me and alerted me that because of delays on my usual route to work I the trip was going to take twice as long as usual–90 minutes instead of the usual 45 or so. As I drove, I realized that wasn’t I going to make it by 8:30. Rather than panic, I remained calm. I realized that in the scheme of things my life and its relative fortunes were not dependent on my being at this meeting on time. I relaxed and let the day come to me, and it was a beautiful day. But I am tired and so happy and grateful that the weekend is hear that I can’t even describe it. Thus, a recycled blog, but a good one. From Day 42 August 10, 2011:
“Sometimes I watch the blinking of the cursor on my computer screen poised at the first line of a blank page and I say to myself,“Oh no,today’s the day when I have nothing to say.”Can it be that 41 straight days into writing a daily gratitude blog that I no longer have anything to say about anything? Say it aint so.
It aint so. So I’m sitting in my room thinking about my blog and listening to my son play the blues on his guitar. The dog is watching him,a semi-bemused expression on her face. She sits like this whenever he plays,staring at up at him,resting her head on his thigh. It doesn’t get much better than that. And I am reminded that life is good.
I’ve been waiting for some big “sign”from God,the Universe,etc. that I am on the right track,that something good is going to happen to/for me,that it’s right around the corner. But then I realize that something good is sitting right in my room with me playing the guitar and something else good is sitting listening and watching adoringly. Yesterday I received a sign that I am on the right track–I thoroughly enjoyed driving my daughter back up to school and had a lovely afternoon that unfolded without flashing neon lights and fanfare.
Something good happens to me several times a day. The problem is that when the something good doesn’t come in the form I expect it to come packaged in,it is likely I don’t recognize it. I probably stumble over the signs I’m looking for because I don’t realize what they look like. I no doubt walk by them several times a day,because I’ve convinced myself that they are supposed to look a certain way. I am trying to rectify this situation,but it isn’t easy. My mind is pre-programmed by all the things it thinks I should be focusing on. This reminds me of the notion of struggle and ease that I wrote about some weeks ago. If I expect and focus on the concept of struggle–struggling to make ends meet,struggling to stay positive,struggling to find a job,then what I am likely to produce is even more struggle along with some of its byproducts:stress,fear,depression,etc.
My mind is not yet trained to be at ease and calm. It ignores the many times in my lived experience when the very thing I needed showed up when I needed it. Instead,it focuses on the possibility that this time is going to be different and that more calamity is going to befall me. I have way more examples of when good things happened for me than when they didn’t,and in the end all the stress and anxiety I had experienced in the interim had been totally unnecessary. No matter how many times I remind myself that things tend to work out for me,my mind is ready with the “yeah buts.”Yeah but that’s not going to work this time…yeah but you had savings to fall back on before…yeah but that was back when you were younger and just getting started in your career…
So what am I to do then,sit on my hands and think happy thoughts? Not exactly,but kinda. Part of the journey I am on involves retraining my mind. I am in a situation in my life at the moment that I’ve not been in before. I can approach it with panic,fear,anger,depression,and all manner of totally useless emotional and mental clutter. While it is natural to feel those things at any given time,my mind wants to gnaw on them like a dog chewing on a tough piece of rawhide. It spins out scenarios of everything that could go wrong,reminds me of everything that has ever gone wrong,and makes up reasons why everything will continue to go wrong. It even defines for me what “wrong”is. Not helpful.
So am I going to sit on my hands,no. I haven’t sat on them much since life went haywire a few months back. Am I going to think happy thoughts,yes. Sounds simplistic,doesn’t it? I’m beginning to believe that it is that simple. So if I am going to give my mind something to chew on,I’m going to feed it notions of ease and calm. Let’s see what it does with those.
There’s nothing I really need to add to this. When I reread it, I recognized themes running through it that are true to where my heart is at the moment. So I am satisfied for tonight. I hope you find the message helpful. I will work on being more coherent tomorrow.
