Tonight I find myself once again considering the notion of forgiveness. During a recent meeting of folks a lot of old hurts were raised in conversation. What was clear was that one person or another had slighted another person and while that person was willing to continue to interact with everyone, it was clear that they were still holding onto the original trauma. What they wanted, in fact all they wanted was for the offending party to acknowledge the pain they’d caused and apologize for it. The person never had apologized and so the rift remained. The parties interact, but their interaction and the quality of work that they could do together is diminished by the fact that forgiveness was neither sought nor given.
I think that forgiveness is a difficult thing. But I can think of few things more important. I’ve had my heart broken once or twice, and I’ve endured pain at the hands of another person. I’ve likely also hurt other people over the course of my lifetime. I’ve come to realize the power of asking for and receiving forgiveness as well as granting it. It frees both the forgiver and the recipient of forgiveness. It requires something from us: the willingness to let go of our hurt and our righteous indignation and anger.
Once a person whom I cared for betrayed my trust and deeply hurt me. I thought what they’d done was clearly obvious and hurtful and I expected acknowledgment of my feelings and an apology. Not only did they not apologize, they refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing and certainly not extend an apology. They felt they had done nothing wrong. For months and months I seethed with anger and hurt and betrayal, until slowly I decided that I needed to get out from where I was stuck emotionally and into some semblance of living. I worked hard to maintain amicable contact with my friend because we had mutual partnership in business ventures we were responsible for and we needed to remain in relationship. Over the course of the years, the pain of the betrayal diminished and I found myself helping this person in a variety of ways. Eventually we became good friends and they benefited greatly from connecting with me on some business ventures. One day, at least five years or more after the original issue between us, I received a card in the mail from them. “I want you to know that I am sorry for what happened between us and for all the ways I hurt your feelings. Please forgive me.”
I was stunned. The card had come from out of the blue, long after I had given up ever hearing this person acknowledge anything about what had happened. I had let it go and forgiven them over and over (and over) again. Forgiveness is not a “one and done” opportunity; it is a process that unfolds over time. You forgive someone as much as you can as best you can, but some wounds and pains require continual healing and forgiveness over the course of months, years and occasionally a lifetime. Like a muscle, we must exercise it constantly to make it stronger. It was only when I could truly let go of the pain I had been carrying and the resentment I’d held against this other person that the door opened for the acknowledgment and apology I never thought I’d receive.
There’s a lot more I’d like to say about forgiveness, but I am too tired to be very coherent this evening. It is a subject I’ve written about before (day 532 on December 27, 2012) and will likely do so again. I am grateful for the reminders I’ve received this week of the importance both of forgiving and of being forgiven. May we all experience the healing power of forgiveness in our own lives, extending the gift to those who have “wronged” us and asking it of those whom we have wronged. So be it!
