Lessons in Gratitude Day 54

Note to self: When I meditate in the morning before I start my day, the day goes better. So far this is a theory that I have to continue to test. But so far what I’ve noticed is that those days when I’ve gotten up a little too late to practice morning meditation don’t seem to flow as smoothly as those days I do make the time to include it. Developing a meditation practice is one of the steps I’ve taken over the past few months to help me minimize the impact of depression in my life.

Depression has been a bugaboo for most of my life. It’s mostly been low-grade, but it’s always been there, sometimes more prominently than at others. Back when I still had health insurance, I took antidepressant medication. When I lost my job, there went the medication. In some ways I am relieved about this, though I wasn’t at first. I was deeply worried that with all the negative stuff going on in my life I would not be able to cope with the depression demon. And I will admit that the first few weeks off the medication were a real struggle. But over time as I’ve added new things to my life to offset the lack of a chemical solution to the blues, I realize that I’ve made a lot of movement toward being more at ease, more positive and ultimately toward being happy.

This has been a long road, and there are still days when I think taking a little blue or purple pill would be a whole lot easier than taking slow, sometimes laborious steps toward wholeness that I’ve been taking these past few months. Of course one could suggest that if I’ve been depressed most of my life it might take a little longer than a few months of intentional activity to pull myself out of it. Oh yeah, I guess it might take a little while at that.

I am grateful to the people who’ve been helping me on this journey. My therapist has been an anchor for me, especially when I lament to her that I am frustrated by the times I still have depressed feelings. It is she who reminds me that doing it this way (without meds) is going to take a little while, but that in the end it’ll be worth the effort. As someone who sees me regularly, she has a pretty good gauge on how I’m doing–sometimes her perspective on my progress is a lot clearer than mine. My acupuncturist is another person I’m grateful for. Though I haven’t been able to see her for treatment, she willingly helped me sort out which natural vitamin and herbal supplements help with mood and energy and offered other suggestions for how to battle depression naturally. The meditation teacher has given a number of helpful talks about how we get trapped in our thoughts and that keeps us mired in depression and negativity and suffering and how to use meditation to break free of the mental gymnastics that cause such grief. And then of course there are my family and friends who have offered constant support, love, encouragement, and sustenance in many forms.

Every day brings a new opportunity to be happy. I am grateful to be moving away from battling depression to embracing happiness. It’s an important shift to make, and though I still fight the occasional skirmish, I am moving in the right direction.