Tonight, on the eve of the day when folks around the United States gather to offer thanks for the blessings in their lives, I am reflecting on the blessings of this single day. Lately I have been writing later in the evening than I prefer and have subsequently been falling asleep right in the middle of writing. This particular habit is not sustainable over the long term so I am going to attempt to do better in the days ahead. Hopefully I will be able to offer some coherent thoughts in the midst of my tiredness.
I am aware this evening of the power of what I’ll call courageous conversations. It seems as though lately I’ve either been directly involved in or have witnessed important conversations that have generally centered around difficult or conflict-related matters. These discussion require that I stay present in the midst of discomfort when my normal response would be to run in the opposite direction and avoid it like the plague. I grew up fairly conflict-averse in a family where conflict avoidance generally prevailed. So standing in the midst of a potential conflict and holding my ground can be remarkable.
In the book of the same title, author Kerry Patterson describes “Crucial Conversations” as those in which: stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run high. In most of the conversations I’ve experienced over the last several days, at least two and sometimes all three of these elements were present. It seems like the more there is to lose and the more misunderstandings and differing opinions are associated with a particular topic area the more difficult it is to engage in productive, generative conflict. I would like to think that I have this particular skill set, but I don’t yet. It’s important enough to me that I develop and strengthen my skills in initiating and sustaining these conversations and to demonstrate the courage and stamina to engage in them on a regular basis. Given the nature of the work I do in the world, as well as in working on my personal relationships, learning to handle difficult issues and conversations skillfully would be wonderful. It’s definitely something I want to work on.
I still have a long way to go in engaging in courageous, crucial conversations. My instinct to run is still too high. So as is the case with most things I want to get better at, I begin by making small, baby steps in the direction I want to go. Today, it might be standing still, staying in a conversation that feels challenging even if I don’t say everything I want to say easily or perfectly. At least I stayed put through it. And each time I am able to do that I get a little bit better and a little bit clearer. One can hope.
When I offer metta–good will toward myself and others–I often begin with the expression, “May I be filled with lovingkindness and compassion.” When I think about who I want to be and how I want to enter into conversation with others it is from a perspective of love and compassion for myself as well as persons with whom I might be in conflict with. If I can hold the person who is my “enemy” with compassion and love and truly offer them good will, then my ability to engage in courageous conversation with them has to increase accordingly, if not right away, then eventually. When I sprinkle in a healthy portion of forgiveness, it is that much better.
I am looking forward to giving thank tomorrow along with much of the country and each day after that with many across the world. Gratitude remains a very popular subject these days. May it continue to be so. May it spread like wildfires across the globe, along with generosity, lovingkindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity. And may I be–as the prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi says–an instrument of God’s peace.
