Lessons in Gratitude Day 851

Posted on November 11, 2013 by mtchamblee

I don’t like war. I think it’s safe to say that I don’t even like the idea of war, and yet I understand that for as long as human beings have walked upright they have waged war upon each other for a variety of reasons. It always gets a little bit dicey to think about fighting for freedom, particularly these days when it’s uncertain as to whose freedom were actually fighting for. In the U.S. our politicians talk about democratizing the rest of the world, but isn’t that more about our values than the values of those who we say we are liberating? I don’t pretend to have a great deal of political insight into any of this, war and the study of war is not my thing. But what I will say is this: people have gone to war to protect and defend me and my liberties, or so I’m told. And so on this Veterans Day, I want to honor those people who whether or not they agreed politically with why they were being asked to take up arms, they did and for that I am grateful.

My father was a veteran of World War II, a Purple Heart-decorated second lieutenant in the Army. He fought and was seriously injured for a country that considered him a second class citizen. Upon his return to the United States at the end of the war, he had to ride in the back of the bus just like every other “negro” of the time. There was little to no consideration of the fact that he had fought and nearly died serving to a country that would let him die for them but not to legally vote. Dad told me a number of stories about his days in the army–about times in the segregated regiment as well as times interacting and working with white soldiers. It was difficult, dirty, and dangerous work: he was with an engineering battalion assigned to the duties of finding and detonating mines. It was in the process of doing this work in Normandy during the early days of the invasion that my father was blown up. He spent months in a hospital in England before eventually returning to the United States. For years afterward he would suffer from nightmares about some of the things he saw during his service in WWII, thrashing about in his sleep.

For me war is an abstract thing; for him it was a reality. I honor him for his service and I think about him each year on Veteran’s and Memorial Day. At his funeral he was honored as a fallen comrade by soldiers who fired their weapons in salute and presented a folded American flag, which they handed to my brother who had served in the Marine Corps. It was a poignant moment, particularly when the bugler played Taps, which has always moved me. So I close with the words to the song “Day is Done” (Taps) and offer gratitude to my father and all who served and still serve their country during times of war and peace.

Roland W. Chamblee, Sr. Second Lieutenant, United States Army

Day is done, gone the sun

From the lakes, from the hills, from the sky
All is well, safely rest
God is nigh.

Fading light dims the sight
And a star gems the sky, gleaming bright
From afar, drawing near
Falls the night.

Thanks and praise for our days
Neath the sun, neath the stars, neath the sky
As we go, this we know

God is nigh.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 850

Posted on November 10, 2013 by mtchamblee

“Good things come to those who wait.”

As written by one of my favorite authors–anonymous–this expression is feeling truer for me at the moment than it has in a while. While I am generally a relatively patient person, in order to see some things come to fruition in my life I’ve had to take a much longer view. There have been times when I had very little idea about where I was going, what was happening, and how things that looked pretty negative were going to turn out positively. I have definitely swum in the waters of uncertainty over the past few years. It has required a great deal of faith, perseverance, and patience for me to allow life to unfold rather than trying to force things to happen. I am grateful for having begun to develop the patience to wait for good things to come.

Some months ago I felt like I was wading through peanut butter in trying to work through a particular problem. I was struggling to strengthen an important professional relationship that I needed in order for a number of things I was working on to be successful. It seemed that I was making very little progress though I expended a significant amount of energy trying to work with and figure out what made this person tick. Little by little I kept working at it; changing my strategy, focusing on changes I could make in my attitude, studying their personality to see how I could adjust my approach. Week-by-week, with the occasional setback, I pressed on until I finally began to see small cracks in the invisible force field between me and my objective. I still have work to do in forging a solid connection to this person that feels easy and generative rather than wary and less productive, but I am grateful for the progress we’ve been able to make and definitely feel like we’re on the right track.

I have been able to exercise patience in a variety of other settings. What I’ve learned is that, for the most part, exercising patience is almost always what is needed. We might not always have time to let things develop as firmly as we’d like; sometimes we have to move forward with something that’s less clear, less complete, more uncertain. That is the nature of things. But I have found that whenever it’s possible to take a little longer to let something set up, the outcome can be much better than if I’d rushed it. So at times when I am waiting for something and every nerve in my body wants to rush in and take action, I find that if I can resist the impulse to act, choosing instead to breathe, relax my tensed muscles, and hold steady, what happens as a result is worth the wait.

I’ve likened this phenomenon to trying to befriend or make contact with a wild animal. If you chase after it, it runs. You must sit quietly and relatively still, and act as if you’ve no real interest in it whatsoever. You give the creature the space and time to work its way toward you. It is almost as curious about you as you are about it. Gradually, it approaches you until it’s within a pace or two of you. What you do in this next moment is critical. If, in your desire to feed it, touch it, engage it is too strong and you make a move toward it, you startle it and it runs away, and you have wasted the time sitting there and probably your opportunity to connect with that creature. If, however, you remain calm and don’t make sudden moves toward it, it will close the gap and make a connection. I’m not sure how well this works with truly wild animals, but it works with semi-wild ones. The point is this: if I can be patient, make myself approachable and available, and allow things to come to me rather than my trying to force things to happen, I am more likely to meet with success. All that is required is a little patience and self-management.

I don’t want to pretend that I have this patience thing all worked out. I can be as impatient and desirous of instant gratification as the next person. But I have learned a few things, and this concept of waiting and allowing the good to come is a muscle I have been exercising a lot recently, and it is getting stronger. For the patience to wait, to take my time when I really want to hurry, and allowing good things to come to me, I am most humbly and exceedingly grateful.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 849

Posted on November 9, 2013 by mtchamblee

There are 51 days until New Year’s Day 2014. That also happens to be when I hit day 900 of this blog. Perfect. I have been thinking about how and when I would finally wind down and stop writing this blog. I thought that perhaps I would stop on a nice even day like 900, or on a special or meaningful day like New Year’s Day. Who knew when I consulted a countdown clock that they would happen on the same day? This is yet another in a series of synchronicities that have happened over the past couple of days. I pay careful attention to those things; those seeming coincidences that happen. The number that have occurred recently has been amazing. So I am grateful this evening that as I was pondering when and how I might allow this grand process of blogging daily about gratitude come to  a quiet and lovely end, the answer of the when would come to me so elegantly and simply. It still means 51 days of writing new content, spinning the wheel and sharing previous posts, and taking time to determine how to wind down and close.

Tonight I am grateful to be able to spin the wheel and find a good post to share. I am grateful to have laid down such a solid foundation of good pieces that I could draw from later. I still plan to collect all of this gratitude in one place, distill it into the  most valuable “lessons” and share it with the world in the form of a book. Perhaps working that project can help replace some of the daily writing I’ve done on this blog over the past two-plus years. We shall see. For this evening, please enjoy this posting from August 2012.

Tonight I am grateful again for the basics–food to eat, a safe, warm, place to live, a relatively healthy, strong body and reasonably sound mind, clothing that covers my body and shoes on my feet. I am also grateful of things that are luxuries in many places: cable television, wireless home internet and computers to use it with, several musical instruments, paintings and prints, various electronics, and numerous other things that aren’t necessities, but make life more enjoyable and fun. While I am grateful to have the use of these things, I am starting to believe there could be such a thing as too much of a good thing. I am aware, as I have been sorting and dejunking and packing in preparation to move, how much stuff I have, some of which definitely needs to go. My daughter accused me of not letting go of things, and she’s probably right. I mean what do I need with all the stuffed animals and beanie babies she’s given me over the years? Ahem.

Suffering, according to some Buddhist teaching, springs in part from clinging and attachments to all kinds of things–people, possessions, states of being. As I look at all the stuff I have (and it’s a whole lot less than I used to have), I find myself wondering just what I should keep and what I should let go of. Part of the challenge for me right now is that I don’t have time to really go through stuff and decide what it’s time to get rid of–I have way more stuff than I have tie at this point. So wherever I go next I am guaranteed to carry with me a bunch of stuff that I don’t need or use anymore simply because I don’t have time to deal with it. And I’m not likely to be settled in even a quasi-permanent home any time in the foreseeable future. So as often happens to people when they move, I am likely to haul junk I don’t want or need with me to the next place I go.

Every once in a while I have the radical thought of getting rid of just about all the stuff I still have. There’s so much that I could offload. When I think of what I really need to have around me to make my life comfortable and enjoyable it’s probably a lot less than I think. I remember repacking a box a few months ago that contained a number of games and other “fun”items–jigsaw puzzles and such. Some of those games I haven’t played in years and yet I kept them. I remember tearfully telling my daughter at the time when she asked me why I was keeping them that they represented hope for me that someday I’d get back to a place in my life when I could play the games with people and have fun and good times. I knew it was probably silly to keep them, but at that moment to have gotten rid of them would have felt like giving up the hope. I will probably eventually give most of the games away, but that was not the day and neither is this one.

I still have a lot to figure out about all this, but I won’t be figuring that all out now. I’ll downsize by getting rid of yet more stuff, but for now the priority is to pack up what I have understanding that I’ll have more sorting, dejunking, and downsizing to do when I get to my next place. I will no doubt be glad to have some of my “stuff”at my new place, wherever that ends up being. Wherever I live next, being in a new place is going to be yet another change in the long series of changes over the last 18 months or so. Having some familiar stuff around me will, I hope, help make that transition a little bit smoother. And given how bumpy things have been, smooth sounds really good. I am grateful to have developed the capacity to surf the waves that sometimes come crashing down, and will likewise be grateful for more tranquil waters ahead. May it be so!

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 848

Posted on November 8, 2013 by mtchamblee

Ah another Friday and the end of another long work week for me. I am quite tired having gotten up at 5:20 every morning for the past week. I had set for myself the microshift of getting up between 15 and 30 minutes earlier every day this week, and for the most part I have accomplished that, though I am no doubt still becoming accustomed to the new schedule. Of course I get tired earlier in the evening than usual. I’ve conked out in the middle of writing this blog a few times this week, laptop resting on my lap as I doze for 30, 45, or 60 minutes. I am grateful to be at the end of a long, tiring week during which I was on campus for 14 hours a few days. I have found myself mentally and physically exhausted and am looking forward to resting a little this weekend and hopefully refreshing myself.

I am grateful for having expended intellectually stimulating, creative energy this week. There are times when I spend energy doing “busy work,” attending meetings that have little to no real value to the work I am doing and are draining in their lack of generative energy. Meeting for the sake of meeting, spending more time talking about things than doing them or talking about matters that do not feel as important as some of the things I want and need to be working on is taxing in its own right. If I’m going to sit in a meeting, I generally want to produce something that will benefit the people I serve in some form or fashion. Putting my mental and emotional energy into creating things that meet people where they are and move them along in positive ways is a good use of time and energy. I am grateful to do work that allows me to use some of my gifts and talents and to work around people who are deeply engaged in similar work with similar motivations.

I am grateful for work. Having spent 18 months without full-time, benefited employment, I definitely struggled through a financial, intellectual, and emotional drought. And while work isn’t the only thing that defines a person’s worth, it does add a dimension that is important to consider. I am grateful to be contributing my energy and talent in ways that at the end of the day I mostly feel good about. So as tired as I might be when I get home at the end of a long day or the conclusion of a long week, I can look back on much of what I’ve done and known that (a) I’ve done the best I could, given much time and energy and (b) contributed to the wellbeing of people I work with and on behalf of. And that is a very good thing.

“To find out what one is fitted to do and to secure the opportunity to do it is the key to happiness,” educator and scholar John Dewey said back in 1923. I have been fortunate to have done good work in my field of endeavor over a 30-year career, though I remain certain that I have labored in a role for which I was not fully “fitted” to do. There’s an old proverb that says “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” And that is what I have endeavored to do. Fortunate indeed are the people who are doing work they love and are uniquely suited to, the rest of us work with all our might and do the best we can where we are. Being able to give my best in the service of people is worth coming home tired and definitely worth my appreciation and gratitude.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 847

Posted on November 7, 2013 by mtchamblee

This morning I left my house at a little after 7 a.m. and returned home at 9:45 p.m. My original plan was to have a guest blogger tonight because I knew it was going to be a long day. As it turns out my blogger was unable to write this evening and it is already after 11 p.m. here. So, other than expressing deep gratitude to my sister and her husband for once again taking care of my dog during my long absence away from home this evening, I have spun the wheel and will post an excerpt from a previously shared piece.

This is from Day 288, April 27, 2012. For the handful of regular readers, enjoy:

Today I am simply grateful for the close of another week. They flash by with such speed these days there’s little else to do but be grateful for their closing. As often happens,this week presented me with a mixed bag of emotions from worry,anxiety,and sadness to calm,delight,and thoughtfulness and many emotional states in between. In that regard,it was a typical sevenday. Years from now I’ll go back and read this blog and my morning journals (which now number a few hundred pages) and shake my head at what I recorded of these days of my life drama. I will look back in gratitude at how I made it through a particularly rough patch while managing to maintain a semblance of sanity and steadiness. Because as shaky as I have felt over the past many months,at the core of my being I am rock steady and I know it. How I know it is somewhat irrelevant. What’s true is that I can feel it in my bones. And for that I am beyond grateful.

I am grateful for a lot of simple things tonight:like going to work today after having put in only a couple of hours for the entire week. Things had slowed down and there was little for me to do,so I wasn’t able to put in any hours. and when one doesn’t put in hours,one doesn’t get paid. So right at the end of the week on Friday–a day I don’t normally go in to work–I was able to put in a few hours of work and earn a little income. It was good to have something to work on and get back onto a project that had been nearing completion before circumstances beyond my control slowed the whole thing down eventually bringing it to a halt.  So I was quite happy when the information that we’d been waiting for for nearly two weeks finally came in and I was able to resume the process of completing the project. And just when I was somewhat anxious about both of my projects beginning to draw to a close,it appears that a new project is coming up that will guarantee work for another period of time,perhaps another month or so.

As I’ve observed before,sometimes things have gotten incredibly tight and I haven’t known how I was going to do all that I needed to do. But every time I’ve needed something to meet an obligation or need,what I’ve needed has appeared. I am learning to relax and lean into the uncertainty of this current life and be alright with it. So far I seem to be able to do that. It hasn’t been easy,but nothing much has been these days. And I’m building the muscles of faith that will continue to strengthen as the weeks fly by.

On Monday I celebrated my 55th birthday. I’ve been around on the planet for a while. Yet,I feel very much like a work in progress. I definitely have wisdom of an elder to share with others about life on this path and yet I still feel like I’m in school learning some basic life lessons. I am learning to be patient with myself in the midst of all this,patient,calm,and gentle with myself. I am grateful for the lessons,even the painful ones because they all contribute to who I am becoming. They are the threads that weave their way throughout the tapestry of my life. I look forward to the day when I can look at the pattern and recognize the message in it. But until then I keep walking out my faith one step at a time.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 846

Posted on November 6, 2013 by mtchamblee

This evening I am winding down from a tiring day and looking ahead to a very, very long day ahead at work. I have decided to spin the wheel. Interestingly I landed on the piece I posted after I had taken a break from daily writing (between days 227 and 228.) It’s interesting I landed on this particular posting on a day when I was wondering, once again, when I would stop writing this blog. Part of me thinks I’ll just stop on some random day, and another part of me thinks I’ll organize it into a neat process. I’ll pick a nice even day like 900 (in 54 days) or 1000 (in 154 days), or I’ll simply end on New Year’s Day 2014. Whatever I do I want to do it thoughtfully, and so for now I will continue to offer a mixture of new work along with the spinning of the Random Number Generator to select a posting for me, as well as inviting guest blogs. For tonight as I take a much-needed rest and prepare for tomorrow, I offer this posting from February 2012 when I took back up the virtual quill and parchment and restarted up the blog after a one week hiatus. I have posted a blog every day since then–618 straight days. I am grateful for the stick-to-it-ness that I’ve been able to manage over this time and look forward to creating a sensible exit strategy for this blog. Until then, enjoy this post from Day 228.

A week ago I took a break from writing this blog. I had finally hit a wall that I couldn’t seem to climb over,walk around or tunnel under. I’d had writers block quite a few times in the previous 227 days,and,in the days leading up to my hiatus on February 12,the blocks had begin building themselves into the wall I hit that day. I haven’t ceased being grateful each day for so many things in my life;neither have I ceased to have the struggles that still at times bring me to my knees. In other words,my week “off”was pretty typical.

Although I haven’t blogged in a little over a week,I have nonetheless written every day. I sort of accidentally started a morning writing practice back at the end of January,and although it is not my intention to box myself into that feeling of having to write every single day,I have managed to do just that since February 5. I use that time as a means of writing pretty much whatever is on my mind when I first wake up. As I’ve written about frequently in this blog,I often awaken much earlier than I like (usually just before dawn,around 5:30 0r s0),and because I have too many things on my brain,I can’t get back to sleep. I decided within myself a few weeks ago that rather than trying to cajole myself back into sleep (which doesn’t usually work),I would instead try to bring myself fully awake and sit up and start writing about whatever comes up. It’s been a good practice because it has allowed me to write my way through the anxiety-induced adrenaline rush that so often hits me in the early morning. I sometimes start out with some worry or fear that sends adrenaline coursing through my extremities like liquid energy. By the time I’ve written for several minutes (I’ve been averaging around 45 minutes or so) I am much calmer and my thoughts are clearer. I’ve jotted on the cover of the journal I’m writing in “Writing my way to clarity,”because that’s what it feels like I’ve been doing with the morning writing. It really is helping me sort a few things out,first by surfacing fears that I’ve previously not given voice to. It has become an important addition to my daily life.

I also continue to practice daily gratitude. This past week included gratefulness for many blessings of simple things as well as finding gratitude in the things that were more challenging. I am grateful for the relative health and wellbeing of my family–myself and my children–and for the safety and security we enjoy in our daily lives. While we have our struggles we also have things to smile and laugh at,to celebrate and revel in,and definitely to be grateful for. I am also grateful for being able to give of myself in those ways that I can. Although financial means might limit my ability to offer generosity in that form,I can certainly offer time,experience,gifts and talents to whomever might need them.

This past weekend I was able to “be there”for a friend who called needing a listening ear and an encouraging word.  I listened to her as she cried in anxiety and worry about her daughter who is in a particularly difficult phase of her life right now. Her “child”like both of mine,is a young adult,and is suffering the consequences of some of her decisions and actions. In anguish my friend asked me what she did wrong,how did she fail her child? I could only share my perspective,knowing her as I do,that she’d done the best she could in raising,providing for,and loving her child,and while she was not perfect a perfect parent,she was also not responsible for some of the poor choices her daughter had made in recent months. This dear friend was grieving and suffering. The best I could offer her from thousands of miles away was attentive listening,a loving presence,and whatever support and encouragement I could give her. At one point she’d told me that she felt like she was coming apart at the seams. I understood this very well having felt and occasionally still feeling that way myself. The interesting thing about coming apart is that we always seem to come back together again. For this I am exceedingly grateful.

I have written many times in this blog about the gift of perseverance and resilience–we stand strong and when we fall down,we get back up,we bounce back. That is essentially what I told my friend. It’s alright to come unglued,fall apart,etc. particularly when there’s a supportive friend to hold your hand through it. There are times when I feel like,“This is it–I’m falling down and I’m just going to stay down here.”But before I know it,I am standing back up,a little wobbly at first,then steadying myself and walking on. It’s what we do. I definitely still have my share of struggles,but then we all have challenges. We all suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. The difference is one of degrees. I am grateful that when these things hit,I manage to find my way through grace back to gratitude,generosity,forgiveness,compassion,and equanimity. Not all at once,and not right away. But eventually I get there.

I am grateful to those of you who read this blog and have walked this path with me. I was gratified to hear from some of you that you miss reading it. I am pleased to be posting again this evening. Continued posting will be a “game day decision”that is,I won’t know until I get into the day whether or not I will post this blog in an ongoing,consecutive days fashion as I did for all those months. But I will commit to writing at least once per week sharing ideas and reflections on the general theme of gratitude. In the meantime I hope you continue to think about the things you are grateful for in your own life and find ways to express it. Gratitude begets more gratitude;generosity begets generosity and so forth. It’s definitely worth trying!

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 845

Posted on November 5, 2013 by mtchamblee
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

This morning I was writing in my journal about whether or not a new friend who’s coming to my life is someone who will be in it for a reason, season, lifetime. I speculated that certainly having a new friend with whom I could hang out, effectively getting me out of my house, was a good reason for someone to come into my life. And, the fact that I’ve been hanging out with them since this summer right around the 4th of July or so, would indicate that this person has come into my life for a season. It begins to get a little tricky when you asked the question about lifetime: is this person going to be in my life for my lifetime? I wrote the answer in my journal this morning: Perhaps.

Isn’t everyone we’ve ever interacted with–good, bad, indifferent– woven into the fabric of our lives? Whether a single thread or multiple strands each person who enters my life for any significant period of time will be woven into the tapestry my tapestry for the rest of my life. As for how many strands and extensively they will be woven is hard to say, but for now they’re already there. I am grateful for the people in my life right now at this moment. Family, friends–old and new–and coworkers, all of whom grace my life in some way. Each person is their own thread in my life: some muted and understated colors, others bold and textured woven throughout my life. I am grateful for them all and what they have contributed to my life, enriching them in more ways than I can count.

I am closing early tonight. It has been a long week and it’s only Tuesday! I have many long hours ahead of me, as for some reason this has become an incredibly busy (and moderately stressful time.) I will close by sharing the poem, “Reason, Season, Lifetime” by Andrew Chalker. Enjoy.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled;
their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
by Andrew “Drew” Chalker
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Lessons in Gratitude Day 844

Posted on November 4, 2013 by mtchamblee

Tonight I am grateful to live close by to family who are willing to help one another out in a pinch. Over the last few weeks and in the weeks to come one or another of my sisters has been willing to drive over to my house in early evening to take Honor out for her evening walk to do her business. I have had a number of evening events at work throughout much of October and now into November that have required me to work from 8:30 in the morning until 10:30 in the evening. I may be able to manage those long hours, but Honor can’t, and neither should she have to. So, my sisters have come to the rescue. Tonight my sister Sandy came over after I’d discovered–unexpectedly–that I needed to attend an event this evening until 8:30. Again, too long for Honor to have to wait. I texted Sandy in the afternoon, and she was here this evening. If Honor could speak, I’m sure she’d tell me how relieved she was that someone showed up. And when the someone happened to be one of her favorite people, more the better.

I continue to be grateful for the love and support of each member of my family. Their love is the gift that keeps on giving and I wouldn’t trade anything for it. Tonight my evening event has drained a bit of energy from me. It has been a very long day. So I was delighted when I spun the Random Number Generator wheel and landed on a really nice post on the very first spin. It’s a sign! I’m also pleased because it too speaks in part to the gift of my siblings for which I offer daily gratitude. There’s nothing, nothing like it in this whole world. So please, enjoy this post from Day 356 on July 4, 2012.

“The more stressful,dangerous,baffling or unpleasant your situation,
the more important it is to laugh at it.”
“If you’re too stressed or sad to laugh,let yourself cry.”

Both of these are quotes by Martha Beck,a life coach,writer,and interesting human being. I first discovered Martha a few years ago when I purchased her book, “The Joy Diet” and now frequently read the articles she writes on Oprah.com. The first quote I read several months ago and found it interesting enough to write it on a yellow sticky not and stick it where I could see it while I’m writing. I blogged about it several weeks ago as I was contemplating how good it would be to laugh at my stressful, baffling, sometimes unpleasant situation. It was a worthy goal to be sure, and sometimes I accomplish it. I keep Martha’s quote where I can see it should I need a reminder to laugh or at least do the practice smiling exercise that is now part of my daily routine.

The second quote is just as powerful for me but in a different way. In a sense it gives me permission that I didn’t realize I needed, to let myself cry. Crying is one of those things I’ve tried to keep to a minimum–it’s okay to do it occasionally, but don’t let it become a regular thing. Having worked hard to keep depression at bay–some days more successfully than others–crying too much seems to drift into a gray area that feels too much like giving in to the blues. Very rarely do people offer encouragement, permission, to go ahead and acknowledge the stress of one’s current situation. And while it might be ideal or “important”to laugh at it, sometimes I just can’t manage it. If that’s the case, I allow myself the release of a good cry.

The other day I was speaking to one of my sisters on the phone. We were talking about my various life challenges and she was asking what she could do to help. I suddenly choked up with tears, right there on I-880. Interestingly it wasn’t talking about the challenges that generated the tears, it was her desire to help and that of another sibling who’d promised to come all the way out to California to get me if I needed a place to stay. By this time I had gotten off the highway and was sitting in the parking lot of the office building where I work part time. There I indulged myself in a brief bout of tears, which my sister endured with great patience and grace. “Everything’s going to be alright,” she gently assured me as I sniffled out the last of the tears. And I knew she was right, largely because I have the gift of siblings who love me and support me as best they can.

I am grateful for both laughter and tears. Both are two sides of the same coin, and while I confess that I’ve probably cried more than I’ve laughed over the last year, I am actively working on the laughter part. I’ll have my work cut out for me as the next few weeks are likely to be pretty stressful, but the more stress in the situation, as Martha says, “the more important it is to laugh at it.” I think I’ll add laughing on purpose to my daily regimen; after all, it’s a pretty short step from smiling on purpose to laughing. And physiologically speaking, my body doesn’t know the difference. It’ll release endorphins and other feel-good chemicals into my body just as if I were really laughing at something hilarious rather than “fake” laughing. So tonight before I go to sleep, I’m going to do something musical (I decided that it doesn’t always have to be playing my guitar as long as I’m singing, or playing my cedar flutes or even dancing around my room to some really good music.) And, I’m going to set aside a few minutes to laugh. And if I’m too stressed or sad to laugh, I’m going to allow myself a really good cry. Either way, it’s all good.

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The second quote about letting yourself cry is from Martha’s blog post “Making Time for Nothing” and can be found on her website marthabeck.com.
Posted in Family, Gratitude | Leave a comment

Lessons in Gratitude Day 843

Posted on November 3, 2013 by mtchamblee

Today as I was driving, someone honked their car horn at me. I had been in the wrong; I had started into an intersection that I thought was a four-way stop but wasn’t. I hadn’t actually gone into the intersection, but he blew his horn to let me know that I was about to. It wasn’t being honked at that bothered me, it was that afterwards as the man was passed in front of me he made a face and made some irritated hand gesture at me. Somewhat belatedly, and long after the fact, I flipped the bird at him, honked my own horn, and called him a name that I can’t repeat in this blog. It wasn’t that he had honked at me that had angered me, it was his rudeness afterwards that implied that I was trying to get away with something or in some way needed to be told something or taught some kind of lesson. As the immediate anger cooled, tears filled my eyes, and I began to wonder what was up with me.

Perhaps part of what was coming up for me springs from a deep sadness about what I consider to be a manifestation of man’s inhumanity to man, or in this case man’s incivility to man. I often ask myself the Rodney King question: “Can we all just get along?” And I get discouraged. I try to be kind, to do the right things, to display compassion and to direct loving kindness toward my fellow humans. And yet, I continue to witness or experience directly basic incivility and lack of compassion on the part of the human beings around me. It’s enough to make me want to withdraw into my “cave” of safety and not engage the world. I can understand to a certain extent why some monks cloister themselves away from humanity and work inwardly with in the cloistered community to create a space where civility and compassion and love and kindness are the order of the day rather than some exceptions to the ways that we behave and the ways in which we interact with one another.

I must confess to that, as a person of color, and one who carries a number of marginalized identities, I experience that incivility at a deeper and much more profound level. At its most extreme, it manifests itself in name calling and hate crimes directed toward anyone who is different. I myself have not been the victim of overtly racist, sexist, and heterosexist hate crimes, but I have often experienced the “thousand little cuts” that affects my everyday existence as a person of color. That is, I’ve been on the receiving end of any number of different kinds of slights and mistreatments that affect me in and color my experience of daily life.

I’m not sure I can say at this moment what any of this has to do with gratitude. I suppose that having a grateful heart and expressing gratitude is the way in which I approach my life on a regular basis, and therefore it helps inform the way that I walk through the world. I would suggest that opening my heart to gratitude, compassion, generosity, and other attributes of which I’ve recently been much more mindful can’t help but inform the way that I live my life, and experience and respond to the incivility and the microaggressions that come at me on a regular basis.

Here is where this all circles back around to my original anecdote about having been honked at by the man this morning: incivility, microaggressions, all the ways in which we as human beings have learned to be cruel and mean to one another infiltrate into our cells and exude from our pores. We internalize the messages that we receive from people who tell us that we are not good enough, that we are somehow less than and therefore not worthy of civility and respect, and at the bottom fundamental level, of love. My response to the man who honked at me was to apologize as if I had intentionally done something wrong to him, had made some kind of mistake and was therefore fundamentally a bad person. As ridiculous as it seems, that’s how I interpreted it in that moment.

Of late, I have become keenly aware of the harsh, mean voice in which I address myself for even the simplest of mistakes. The other day I was driving home, having left the office much later than I had intended so that would get home before dark. There was some work I wanted to do in my yard that required me to be able to see. Because I was unable to leave the office early as I’d hoped and found myself stuck in the usual gridlock of rush hour traffic, I cursed and swore at myself and called myself all kinds of terrible names for my “stupidity in leaving the office so late and therefore arriving too late to do what it was I had wanted to do. In the back of my mind I heard the harshness of my voice and the meanness of my words and thought I couldn’t seem to stop myself, I made note of it as something I needed to pay attention to and begin to change.

Tonight I am grateful for multiple realizations: first and foremost is the truth that I am worthy of the love, respect, and well treatment of my fellow human beings. I deserve better than to bear the brunt of peoples’ basic lack of civility and kindness; we all do.  I am grateful for the realization that I have internalized many of the negative words, harsh voices, and hurtful actions that people have directed toward me because I am different and that I turn those voices and words on myself and make myself feel small. Eleanor Roosevelt has been reputed to have said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Which means that I have to ask myself, “If I feel small, insignificant, ugly, etc. what part did I play–when did I give consent–in making myself feel that way?”

Now all of this does not mean that I should not expect better from others, that I cannot hope for greater love, compassion, and basic human kindness and civility among people. It simply means that in the absence of those things, as best I can I need to provide for myself a sense of my own value and worthiness and of the value and worth of all beings. In short, I need to be kinder and gentler with myself, especially when I fail to live up to the sometimes impossibly high expectations I hold for myself. I am grateful for awakening to this new awareness. I will have to work hard not to lose sight of these revelations and fall into some of the same patterns of self-meanness I’ve lately been dealing with. Yep, I still have a lot of work to do, but every day I get a little bit closer to where I want to be. And for that, I am most definitely grateful.

Posted in Gratitude, Overcoming Challenges, Overcoming Fear, Perseverance, Resilience, Self Care, Self Esteem, Suffering | Leave a comment

Lessons in Gratitude Day 842

Posted on November 2, 2013 by mtchamblee

Tonight I am grateful for mixed-up seasons. Yesterday as I was leaving work I walked out into a beautiful, sunny, 75-degree day that felt more like June than November 1. As I walked across the lawns toward my car I crunched through bright orange leaves which only a few days earlier had still been green, just beginning to show the slightest hint of yellow. Now the aromatic smell that is unique to autumn was released from the crushed dried leaves underfoot. Later that evening, I sat at this computer scrolling through my Facebook page and eating watermelon, yes, watermelon. And while it wasn’t as sweet and crisp as the ones I purchased in June and July, it was still a light and lovely snack as I ended my day.

These days I am seeing more and more things about gratitude and gratefulness and I can’t help but think it’s a good thing. I am about to participate in something called 21 Days of Gratitude–an online program that will bring messages from a variety of folks. I think I can hang with something for 21 days! So I’m going to check it out and see what inspiration I get.

It doesn’t require much, really, to be grateful. As I’ve said many times, I couldn’t throw a rock in any direction and not hit something I’m grateful for, even if it’s a simple as the electric throw blanket I’ve wrapped myself in as I write. Everywhere I look–both externally and internally–are things that cause me to be filled with gratitude. I am grateful for the wonderful array of good people in my life: from good coworkers and colleagues here and around the country, loving family and friends who keep me grounded and connected, and even the random acts of kindness from strangers or near strangers who are all around me. Internally I continue to feel shifts and changes in my thoughts, feelings, and attitudes about so many areas of life. I am learning and growing in a variety of ways and am throwing off some of the unhelpful attitudes and behaviors that keep me floundering in ineffectiveness and uncertainty. Gratitude is both the cause and the outcome of some of these shifts; by maintaining a focus on the things I am grateful for it shifts my energy and I approach things much more positively than I used to, which in turn increase my overall sense of gratefulness for everything around me.

I am looking forward to participating in the 21 days of gratitude and any other tool that allows me to continue to grow and enhance my gratitude practice. I look forward to exercising my gratitude muscles more in the weeks ahead, and of course Thanksgiving is coming, the time when many in the U.S. turn their thoughts to big turkey dinners and football, and hopefully a little bit towards gratitude. I wonder what it would be like if everyone in the country who celebrates the holiday all took a moment or two of silence to put their entire attention on the things they are truly thankful for. We could raise the collective endorphins or positive energy of the whole country, maybe even the whole world. It is definitely worth at try, I must say. For now, I’ll work on raising my own endorphins and those of everyone who reads this blog: may we all be filled with gratitude for the many blessings around us. So be it!

Posted in Family, Friends, Gratitude, Simple Blessings/Gratitude | Leave a comment