Lessons in Gratitude

In case you missed it, I posted part one of today’s blog at around 11:30 this morning, Pacific Time. It was unusual for me to do that, but it was an unusual morning. The afternoon and evening have been more usual, which makes me even more grateful for the wonderful frame of mind I was in this morning. This evening has been quieter and more subdued, as has been the way of things and that is alright. As I work to stay in the moment whatever the moment presents, I am learning to be with what is rather than trying to push past it to get to something else. That is not easy, but at times I seem to have the hang of it. So I am grateful this evening for staying put and standing (or sitting) in the middle of discomfort if that is what the moment is presenting.

I am officially looking for a new place to live. At this moment (in this moment), I am unclear as to what city and state I’ll be residing in come September 1. A lot of things are going to have to happen in a fairly short period of time in order for me to move in an orderly fashion. I was talking with a friend this morning who was telling me she’d heard from some friends of hers–a couple–who’d left the state in search of employment elsewhere. They were back in the Bay area, she informed me…and living in their car. They had moved to Sacramento rather than stay in Berkeley because Sacramento is warmer at night. That was rather sobering. While I don’t believe I am in danger of having to sleep and live in my car, it is nonetheless sobering to hear about this couple who, like so many others across this city, state, and country, do not have options available to them at the moment. I do, however, have a whole lot of work to do and not a lot of time in which to do it to find myself a temporary living situation during this time of transition. So I have to stay on top of things and get the work done, enlisting help along the way as best I can.

I am slowly learning how to be with whatever is going on. I’ve said many times over the past month that I cry nearly every day. I look at it as a very healthy approach to dealing with what’s going on in any given moment. It’s a way of releasing the anxiety that builds up over a period of time. It allows me to, even if briefly, go to the edge of what’s troubling me and look over into the abyss, to tell myself scary stories about what’s going to happen to me and spinning out worst case scenarios faster than should be humanly possible. Stuff comes up, I experience what I’m feeling without trying to push it away or run from it, and then, as best I can I let it go. The key words are, of course, as best I can, which sometimes falls short of what I need it to be. But I press on through and in spite of it all.

What I am coming to discover, even in the midst of uncertainty, chaos and potential (albeit unlikely) catastrophe, is that essentially life is good, that when I have no basis for believing things will turn out well, I believe it nonetheless. Life is good. I embrace it and am happy to be alive. Over time I want to be much more fully alive, but for now, I’m going to enjoy the aliveness that I’m in the midst of right now. All I have is this moment–until the next one. I’d rather spend it in peace, love, and gratitude than in worry, depression and fear. And so that’s what I choose for this moment and the next…and the one after that. To the best of my ability, as best I can.

This life is an epic journey and I am participating in it. I lately have lamented that I am not doing many things that I want to do with and in my life. And yes, there is a growing list of things of those things. But I don’t want to expend time and energy wishing for a life I don’t have while not living the one I do. Oh yes, there are things I want to do–perhaps I’ll get to do them, perhaps not. In the meantime “with patience let me run the race that is set before me…” I am grateful for the hills and valleys, the streams and rivers and oceans, the trees and rocks and all the living things that fly, walk, crawl and slither above, on, or beneath the earth. They are all part of my epic journey and I’m going to enjoy them. So be it!

Today has been a long day. I woke early, as usual, wrote in my journal, ran some errands and went to work. I am grateful that I have work to go to. The job I have is not in my field, it is in an area I never studied for and have virtually no background in. At the time I was brought on contract with them, I knew very little about what they wanted me to do for them. The reason I got hired in the first place was because a friend knew I was looking for work and her husband, also a self-employed consultant wanted to hire me to do some administrative work for him. He in turn introduced me to people he worked with at this nonprofit company and the next thing I knew I was brought in on a contract with them.

Working for the company has been a humbling experience–I felt very ignorant of the nature of the work I was doing (housing development) and although I consider myself at least moderately intelligent, there were times when I understood very little of the industry language they were using. They might as well have been speaking Finnish (no offense to the Finns) for all that I understood of it; but I did manage to pick up enough of the language and concepts to do a creditable job of everything they’ve asked me to do so far. I started working there in February and while I understand a little better than I had at first, I still get fairly lost when they speak their mysterious language of loan closings and resolutions and equity investors and such. Nevertheless I am grateful for those days when I know I am accomplishing something and making the jobs of the people I work with a little easier by taking over some small tasks for them. I’ve never had much of an ego about my work, about being a “boss” or having a doctorate. And that’s a good thing, because in my current role I am not a boss, am not using my higher degree training, and am not doing earth shattering, awe-inspiring work. But I am grateful to be using my skills and my mind to good purpose.

While I am continuing to seek employment that is more closely aligned with my educational background, experience and skills, I am also working hard and giving my best at the job I currently have. I am grateful to have it, given the challenges so many Americans face finding work. When I get discouraged at not having had full-time, benefited employment for nearly 18 months, I hear about people who have been out of work for three and four years. I do not take for granted the work that I do have, and even as I ponder my what’s next my current job will factor into the equation.

I am grateful to be able to contribute my time and energy to my contract work, as well as the volunteer work I’m doing at the Berkeley Food Pantry. While I might wish that my situation were a little more stable, I’m grateful nonetheless for the stability I do have. I am grateful to my friend who helped me get the job and for the people I work with and for who were willing to overlook my ignorance of the industry and let me prove I could do good work. And I am grateful for the gifts and skills I do have that I bring with me every day I go to work. It’s a good thing.

Whew today was quite a day. I hit a wall of sorts and almost wasn’t sure I’d be able to write tonight, but hey, walls haven’t stopped me yet, so here I am. As I’ve written many times, there is always some thing (usually many things) to be grateful for; mostly I am at times limited in my ability to express them.

I’m grateful for either having a pretty hard head or for the walls I keep hitting being made of soft rubber that I just sort of bounce off of them and keep going. I am grateful for the relative soundness of my mind and strength of will that helps me remain calm when I shouldn’t be, think clearly when I could easily be befuddled, and propels me over (or through) the various barriers that seem to magically erect themselves in front of me at any given time. At those times when craziness pops up–even craziness of my own making–I’m grateful to have discovered and honed tools to deal with it, not always perfectly, but well enough.

Sometimes blogging is a little (well, a lot actually) one-sided. I think about various things connected to gratitude, I hem and haw and watch the little cursor blink balefully at me for a few minutes before I undertake the process of writing. I write, re-read and edit portions of it (unless as happens periodically I am too tired to re-read and edit so I hit post without a backward glance), and then I hit “Publish” and away it goes, out into cyberspace. But except for the occasional comment that someone will post either here or in Facebook, I rarely have interactions with people about what I’ve written. As I have yet to really figure out how to use the Twittersphere, I am not constantly tweeting back and for with folks about gratitude or much of anything else for that matter. My daughter started a Twitter group that started humbly and now has over 2500 followers. Wow, imagine what 2500 people tweeting about gratitude could accomplish over the course of weeks and months. Alas, if only I got into the flow of using Twitter. I would welcome thoughts from others about what you’re learning about being grateful and what things you’re grateful to have in your lives. You can always tweet me at @lessongratitude.

I am going to retire early this evening. I am grateful to have gone in to work today after being out all of last week for my epic trip to Seattle. It was good getting back into the swing of things, though I confess to being a little sluggish, still recovering from the trip, I guess. I am looking forward to a good rest before springing up in the morning before the alarm to write in my journal and get on with my day. Life continues to be a bit wild and uncertain, but I put my head down and keep going. Soon that light I see way in the distance ahead of me will get clearer and brighter. I will find myself in the place just right, where I want to be, doing what I want to be doing. The only way to get there is to keep moving, guided by faith, nurtured by gratitude. Moving forward come what may. It’s all good.

Tonight I am grateful to be back home safe and sound from my few days headed to and hanging out in Seattle Washington. It was an eventful trip to be sure, beginning with our epic drive up to Seattle from the Bay area (well, it was epic for us), getting my daughter situated in her new apartment on the campus of Seattle University, culminating with my return to San Francisco International Airport from which my son collected me this afternoon. I am tired, but I am glad to be home.

Tomorrow I will collect myself and get busy planning out what I need to be doing over the next few weeks. I have some ruthless sorting to do–throwing out all kinds of stuff that is currently littering my desk and piling up in various places in my house. I have to “rear back and pass a miracle” as my mother used to say. In common terms that means I have to get a heck of a lot done in a short period of time. Given that scenario I am going to once again keep tonight’s blogpost short and simple. My hope is that I will return to offering more in-depth explorations about the things I am grateful for. If that doesn’t happen shortly, I will potentially discontinue daily postings or go to an alternate delivery system. In the meantime I’ll stick with tonight.

Simple gratitudes: I am grateful for safe and uneventful travels. I’ve already posted my gratitude for the safe drive over the two days to get us to Seattle and for arriving safely home this afternoon. It wasn’t just about safe travel, but also about the enjoyable things that happened along the way for which I am also grateful. Listening to music, singing, having interesting and funny conversations with my daughter, taking pictures of beautiful scenery and interesting oddities–like a sign for bear crossing and a town in Oregon named “Weed.” All of these things were part of the travel experience along with the white knuckle nervousness of creeping slowly up mountain passes and plummeting down the steep grades on the other side. We didn’t actually plummet, but at times it felt like we were. I am a good driver, but not the most intrepid one when mountains are involved. I was indeed quite grateful when things flattened out in the vallies and I could get back up to faster speeds. I did what I often do in situations like the mountain driving–I breathe and stay as relaxed as I can. I take my time and don’t berate myself for the flutters of anxiety that arise at any given time. I am patient and kind with myself and, as with the mountain driving, the scary moments pass.

I am grateful to be back in my room and will be glad to be sleeping in my own bed this evening. I think I won’t even set the alarm tomorrow morning, though I’ll likely awaken early anyway. It’ll be good to get back into a rhythm here at home, though I most definitely enjoyed my “excellent adventure” with my daughter this past week. While I’m not quite sure what’s ahead for me over the next few months, I’ll do my best to appreciate life as it unfolds and continue to offer gratitude every day. Thanks as always for being on this journey with me.

I am grateful this evening for a mostly productive day. We cleaned up and rearranged parts of my daughter’s apartment, put together various storage structures to put in the bathroom (there is no cabinet or any storage space anywhere in the room), and finished rearranging the furniture in the bedroom. We went grocery shopping to pick up a few necessities to get Michal through the weekend before her training program begins on Monday. We walked around the campus a bit and I was able to see many of the places she’ll be passing through, sitting in, walking by over the next two years. When she talks to me about places she visits on campus or some of the surrounding area, I’ll be able to visualize what she’s talking about. We didn’t get out too much today–I really wanted to get things done in the apartment so I could feel good that she would’t have tons to do. I think we accomplished that objective. It’s a good thing we’d gotten so much done early. As productive as the late morning/early afternoon was, the late afternoon was significantly less so as energy and motivation waned.

Enjoying Seattle University

Tomorrow morning I will leave Seattle and head back to California. My daughter will remain here and begin her training for her work responsibilities and in September begin her coursework toward her masters degree. The time has come for me to lengthen the cord that connects the two of us. The ties that bind us are tightly woven and strong between us, and while we’ve experienced our share of snarkiness over the past months (including a bit during this trip to Seattle) strong they will remain. Tomorrow’s scene at the airport tomorrow could be a bit intense, but I think we’re equal to it. I am grateful to have been part of this transition process for Michal. The process of physically delivering her to her campus in a new city is a contribution I am pleased to have made the trip, to have been here and help her get started. There are still things to be done of course, but we made a list and she’ll follow up with the powers-that-be to move things forward.

Tomorrow afternoon I will be back home dealing with a variety of issues that will require some strategy and stamina from me. But I feel like this week with the long drive that also required strength and stamina reminded me what I am made of. I will continue to walk this path of gratitude that I’ve been traveling so intensively these past several months.  As best I can I’ll live in the moment, not regretting what’s already finished or fretting about what hasn’t happened yet. We’ll see how it goes. I’ll be here, reflecting on the many things I am grateful for along the way.

Another long, tiring but good day. I am grateful today that we were able to complete the last leg of our journey to Seattle. It was definitely worth the twelve hours on the road yesterday because it meant we only had two and a half hours to drive this morning. So one of my objectives has been reached–I have safely brought my daughter to her home of the next two years. Today we started on our quest to meet another objective: that of getting her relatively settled in terms of doing some unpacking and organizing her things in her new apartment. It’s a very nice place and from what I saw of the campus today, it will be a good place for her to continue her learning journey.

Tomorrow we will continue getting her organized and making her apartment more comfortable and homey. I have only tomorrow to help get her situated before I fly home on Friday to get myself organized and situated. I have a lot of very critical decisions to make and actions to take. I am making some fairly dramatic changes in my life over the next few weeks. It’s a little unnerving and definitely unsettling but it is time. For now I am living in the moment and enjoying the time with my daughter helping her locate herself in her new place.

I am tired this evening so will once again sign off early. After two days of driving, it will be nice to stay put (relatively speaking) and drive no further than the local Seattle environs. I’m sure my daughter will want to show me some of the cool places in the area. I am looking forward to spending a little more time with her before I head back home. I am grateful for the traveling mercies that brought us safely here and for all the good things that will happen in the days to come. Tonight, I will rest well.

Whew! I am whipped. I wasn’t sure I still “had it,” the stamina I used to have to drive long distances. Today, as Michal and I commenced the trip from the East Bay, California to Seattle, Washington I was able to answer that question, as we rolled for 12 hours and 600 plus miles with very few stops except for gas and bio breaks. I wasn’t really trying to prove anything, but as we rolled along, I got more and more comfortable. I confess to not being thrilled at the number of ascents and descents through various mountain passes, but I took my time (not minding poking along behind trucks and other slow moving vehicles.) I am grateful for having been able to bring us safely to my desired stopping point in Portland, Oregon. We’ll rise in the morning and make the relatively short drive to Seattle.

Twelve hours on the road (we got up at 5:30 and left at 6:20 a.m.) and my brain is a bit too weary to think very clearly. There were so many fun little things that happened during this trip, but the biggest gift was having a safe and relatively uneventful drive, playing music and singing with Michal, talking and chuckling over various things. It was a really, really good day.

Tomorrow we’ll get up early and complete the next leg of our journey–getting Michal to Seattle, into her apartment and begin outfitting the place. I expect it to be a little harried, but mostly exciting and fun. Tonight I am looking forward to a good night sleep (even though I sort of still feel like I’m moving!) and another good day tomorrow.

I’m grateful to have been able to had the energy and stamina to get us this far. Now, I’m going to rest up for the rest of the trip and activities tomorrow. I’ve never been in Seattle (was in the airport once) and am looking forward to seeing a bit of the city tomorrow as we get there and get Michal settled in. I hope to have enough energy tomorrow night to write a more coherent blog. I’ll see you back here then!