Lessons in Gratitude Day 441

Posted on September 27, 2012 by mtchamblee

And now for a word from our sponsor: Gratitude is still in the house, in spite of most everything in the house being in boxes or bags, etc. I am grateful, but at the moment I’m not 100% sure what all I’m grateful for. I’m exhausted, having awakened at 5:00 again this morning and it is now 11:45 Pacific Time. I have worked all day and am not finished. I will no doubt wake early tomorrow and be back at it. If I am to post this while it’s still September 27 in this part of the world, I will be brief. I think I cannot help but be brief anyway, my brain went off duty about an hour ago.

I am grateful to have the will to simply keep moving forward. I think I recently quoted Oprah Winfrey in a blog post earlier this month, but her words are in my mind still. She said, “It is a blessing to be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to be in a position to make the climb and to know the summit is still up ahead.” Well I sho nuff have been climbing for a while now, and while I know the summit is up ahead someplace, it has been temporarily obscured from sight.

Tonight I am going to take my rest and tomorrow they’re going to come take my bed! And pretty much everything around me. I’ll camp out here cleaning and settling things up before heading out in a couple of days. Until then, I’m going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and do the best I can. I hope to keep posting Lessons over the next few days, though depending on the internet availability and my energy level (I expect to be in the car between 10 to 14 hours or so each day) I might miss a day. Know that gratitude still reins, I simply didn’t have the energy to record it! But hopefully I’ll be back here each night. Until then…

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 440

Posted on September 26, 2012 by mtchamblee

Time’s almost up. I am in the homestretch of a race that got underway many months ago–heck, perhaps many years ago. How does one measure such things after all? The particular leg of the marathon that is my life is about to end, even as I pass the baton to myself for the next leg (I know, my metaphors are a bit murky tonight, but hopefully the point is relatively clear.)

This has been as week of missing things: on Monday evening I missed a class at the Buddhist meditation center I’ve spent a lot of time at over the past year. I thought I could make it, but was in the thick of packing and planning and couldn’t stop to drive the 30 minutes to Oakland and would have been too distracted by my massive to-do list to be able to meditate or concentrate on what the teachers were sharing. Today I missed my last opportunity to volunteer at the Berkeley Food Pantry. I had intended to go, but again had way too much to do and not enough time. I could easily spend another three or four hours working tonight if it weren’t dark and I weren’t already pretty worn out. Tomorrow I hope I can have my last breakfast with Mary before I leave, but could end up missing that too if I find I’m already too anxious about what needs to get done that I can’t eat. We’ll see.

I am grateful tonight to have had a relatively calm day today. With all the opportunities for panic, stress, anxiety, sadness, etc., I have remained remarkably calm. Perhaps it’s because I have a destination and that things are finally coming into focus after months of uncertainty. Perhaps I am delirious or delusional and simply don’t realize that I should be freaked out by all that still needs to be done. Either way, I am calm and not overly emotional with all that’s going on. Tomorrow might be different, but today was good. My sister sent me a quote this morning from the Dutch writer Corrie ten Boom: “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength.” So true. So I purpose within myself to not worry, as best I can anyway.

Every morning when I write in my journal, I write several lovingkindness meditation phrases that are now part of my daily ritual. They are well-wishes, much like prayers, that I offer for myself, for my loved ones, and for all beings. They are simple: “May I be peaceful and happy. May I be safe and protected from harm. May I be healthy and strong in body, mind, and spirit. May I live with joy, ease, and wellbeing.” I write these phrases at the end of my journal each morning and offer them up. No doubt this practice is part of what’s helping me remain calm in the midst of an incredibly stressful time. Maybe it’s also that I’ve had such practice in managing drama over the past two years. Whatever the case, I am grateful for the calm that I felt today and actually over the past couple of days. I look forward to sustaining it in the days ahead.

As I’ve been sitting here pondering my calmness, I remembered the poem/prayer titled “Slow Me Down Lord” that I’d read many years ago. So I looked it up (I love Google) and share it with you below. May we all be filled with lovingkindness. May we be well. May we be peaceful and at ease. May we be truly happy.

Slow me down, Lord!
Ease the pounding of my heart
By the quieting of my mind.
Steady my harried pace
With a vision of the eternal reach of time.

Give me,
Amidst the confusions of my day,
The calmness of the everlasting hills.
Break the tensions of my nerves
With the soothing music
Of the singing streams
That live in my memory.

Help me to know
The magical power of sleep,
Teach me the art
Of taking minute vacations
Of slowing down
To look at a flower;
To chat with an old friend
Or make a new one;
To pat a stray dog;
To watch a spider build a web;
To smile at a child;
Or to read a few lines from a good book.

Remind me each day
That the race is not always to the swift;
That there is more to life
Than increasing its speed.

Let me look upward
Into the branches of the towering oak
And know that it grew great and strong
Because it grew slowly and well.

Slow me down, Lord,
And inspire me to send my roots deep
Into the soil of life’s enduring values
That I may grow toward the stars
Of my greater destiny.

by Wilferd A. Peterson

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 439

Posted on September 25, 2012 by mtchamblee

Kwaaiba ub Fe’rurysw S’t 310

That is “Lessons in Gratitude Day 439” with fingers on the wrong keys, which is sort of how the title to this post started out this evening until I corrected it. It is a little after 9:30 p.m. here on the Left Coast. I woke this morning at around 5:00 and have been going, going ever since. I am grateful for stamina for one thing, grateful that I can go to the well and pull out yet more energy. Where does it come from? I do not take it for granted, and I will try to get to bed earlier tonight and not wake up at 5:00 a.m., but I haven’t seemed to be able to help that. I wake anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes before the alarm each day. My mind starts spinning out thoughts, ideas, scenes from movies I’ve seen, worries about what I’ve forgotten, song lyrics, memories of conversations I had with my father, all before my body even realizes it’s awake. I must confess that I am not finding this pattern particularly humorous, but I suppose there’s nothing for it but to do the best I can with the sleep that I get, keep taking my vitamins and drinking lots of water, and pay attention to my body when I need to rest for a few minutes.

I continue to be grateful for the assistance of my siblings and their partners. While I run around and pack and talk with movers, cancel cable, etc. at this end, my younger sister has been looking at potential places for me to live and doing all the research and leg work to make it so that I will have a home and not have to sleep in her guest room when I arrive in a little over a week from now. Meanwhile, in the middle of the country my brother is making preparations to fly out here on Saturday so he can drive with me for 2300 of the nearly 2900 mile trip that will take me from the East Bay of California to the greater Washington DC metropolitan area. He’ll go with me as far as his home (and my hometown) in Indiana, where I will drop him off before proceeding the remaining 600 miles to Maryland. His wife made hotel reservations for us at the two stops we’ll make along the way in Utah and Nebraska. When I thanked her for taking care of that (so wonderful to not have to sit and research pet friendly hotels in Salt Lake City and Lincoln Nebraska when one is overwhelmed by the as-yet uncrossed off items on a massive to do list), she replied that it was the least she could do. The least she could do? I couldn’t tell her enough how much I appreciated her lifting that particular burden off my shoulders.

Each of my five siblings and their families has helped me in more ways than I can count and on so many occasions that I’ve lost track. And when I go to thank them, they seem almost surprised like, “well yeah, that’s what we do.” Of course over the years when I’ve been in a position myself to be of assistance to family and friends, I too have responded in kind. It is what we do; it is what we have done for each other and for many others throughout our whole lives. It is a trait we’ve inherited from both of our parents who each in their own unique ways demonstrated for us and taught by deed as well as word what it means to give of oneself to others, and to love and care for family. I am grateful beyond measure to each of them for the many ways in which they’ve encircled me with their love over these past months. As I look forward to my “what’s next” I am excited to be heading East to live within a few miles of all three of my sisters.

I have a few more days of pretty intense pressure to finish everything that needs to get done before I drive out of here on Sunday morning. But I’m grateful to have the strength, love, wisdom, skills, compassion, guidance, and support from ten fantastic human beings–my five siblings and their partners–to see me through. It simply doesn’t get much better than that.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 438

Posted on September 24, 2012 by mtchamblee

How long can one write a daily blog about gratitude? I’m not sure. I was thinking about it this evening, momentarily projecting into the future and wondering if or when I will stop writing this blog. I have no doubt that I’ll have days when I don’t feel like it, or when I’m sick or traveling or otherwise physically unable to log in and write. Nevertheless, one answer is indefinitely. One could write a daily blog about gratitude for as far into the future as one is grateful, I suppose. And if I make it my business to spend time each day pondering those things for which I am grateful, considering those blessings that rouse in me a spirit of thankfulness and appreciation, then daily sharing with the world on the subject is only limited by my lack of energy or ability to find words to express the feeling. That happens periodically. Tonight I am suffering a little of both, but am glad to be sitting thinking on the matter.

I am grateful for simple things today. I had good phone conversations with two family members and two friends. Some of it was about information gathering, but a lot of it was them checking in with me to see how things are progressing toward the big move. I called my younger sister twice this morning with a variety of “so what do you think?” kinds of questions. She has patiently tolerated my occasional whining, frequent confusion and attention deficit/forgetfulness, and the period inane question. She has taken charge of the find-a-place-for-Terry-to-live committee (currently a committee of 1.5 members–and the .5 changes) and has been invaluable in helping me think through various living options. She is so organized, thoughtful, thorough, and capable it makes me wonder how we’re related and how on earth we have the same Myers-Briggs personality type. I guess there are always aberrations; which I seem to be more often than not.

I am grateful for what I managed to accomplish today. Sooner or later I really am going to run out of things to pack and everything will be ready. I am hoping for that day to be tomorrow or Wednesday, though things don’t seem to work out like that very often. I’d like to go into moving day somewhat relaxed without running ahead of the movers to pack things, like happened the last two times I’ve moved. I want to be completely finished which, if I press myself really hard tomorrow, I could accomplish. As always, it’ll require getting up and getting started early and pushing myself physically and mentally all day. That has been increasingly difficult as I burn the candle at both ends and the middle trying to take care of myriad details–not just the physical packing, but a jumble of phone calls to utilities, changing addresses with various business, and dozens of other things to keep track of.

Today I woke around 5:15 or so and lay there trying to quiet my already riotously noisy mind so I could get a few more minutes of sleep, but as usual it was to no avail. During periods when my stress level has been high, I frequently wake like this, heart and limbs on fire with adrenaline and my brain whirring like an out of control turntable. Most people younger than about 35 would not remember record players. Back in the olden days records had three different speeds: 33, 45, and 78. For fun sometimes we’d play a 33-1/2 long playing record on the 78 rpm setting. The result was a song playing outrageously fast with the vocalists sounding like Alvin and the chipmunks or someone who has inhaled helium. My mind has been like that most mornings for the past few weeks flying–around at 78 rpm and it keeps playing the same record over and over even though the record player has been unplugged.

What I am looking forward to is turning the speed at least back to 45 where I can still recognize the vocalists as human and can make out the words to the song. As much as I’d like to create some real quiet space for myself, I am aware that it will be difficult to do with so much still to do. Nevertheless, I will try to cultivate the practice of one moment meditation or take a one minute vacation. We’ll see how it goes. For tonight I am going to sleep early. Going to bed after 11:00 or so and waking at 5:15 is not humorous and sooner or later will take a toll. I am grateful for the day I had and will rise in the morning and get on with what’s left in front of me and will likewise be grateful for that. And so it is and so it continues…

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 437

Posted on September 23, 2012 by mtchamblee

It’s 10:02 p.m. here on the West coast and I have no idea what I am going to write about. It has been another action packed, nonstop kind of work day, except I stopped more than I care to admit. I am tired, sore, and more than a little distracted as I look around at what I still have left to do. This is it: my last week in California. And if it’s anything like the last several weeks, it’ll be over before I know it. I am grateful to have hung in there today–it was tough going. At one point I was walking around the muttering to myself, wondering what to work on and surrounded by things that needed to be done. I had to keep talking to myself, giving myself pep talks and forcing myself to get up when everything in me wanted to say put and not move. It pretty much worked, too.

All day I pushed and cajoled and harangued myself to keep moving, keep working, do something, do anything. And, slowly I got things done. This evening I came to the startling realization that I officially have too many empty boxes; that is, I think I’ve got just about everything that needs to be packed in boxes or partially in boxes such that I know that the number of empty boxes I have outpaces what I have to put in them. This is a good thing, particularly since I already have too many full boxes. Where did I get all this stuff from? So tonight I am in the home stretch of getting things ready to go. A lot of big things still need to happen this week, beginning tomorrow when the moving guy comes to tell me how much it’s going to cost to haul my stuff from here to the greater Washington DC metropolitan area. Depending on what he tells me, I’ll then have to decide if I can afford to bring all my stuff east or if I have to leave some of it in storage here until I can afford to send for it. I am majorly keeping my fingers crossed so I can move it all.

This moving across the country thing is quite dramatic. I moved 2300 miles across the country when I moved here from Michigan seven years ago and now am headed 2,800 miles back, zipping past the midwest to the mid-Atlantic region of the country.  Sometime when I have a little more time I’ll write about the odyssey that is bringing me to my new destination, but that is not this night. Tonight I will simply offer gratitude at having made some forward movement in the work I was able to do today.

I mentioned last night that I thought I might write about my father on this the second anniversary of his passing. But although Dad was very much present with me today–I had moments of sadness as well as moments of sweet reminiscences–this anniversary didn’t figure prominently in how my day today unfolded. My suspicion is that I’m simply too busy  to attend to the feelings that are likely bubbling just under the surface. I wrote a bit about that the other night. I’ve no doubt that once things quiet down and I get myself moved, some of the emotions I’ve been ignoring for much of this time will find their way to the forefront of my consciousness. Until then, however, I plan to remain blissfully detached for as long as I can.

Gratitude is no doubt part of the magical formula that is helping me keep it together in the face of significant stresses in my current life. It is a relief to focus on something positive and steady in the midst of the chaos of my life at the moment. Being grateful keeps me firmly anchored in the beauty that’s possible in every moment; I can find it when I am intentional in my seeking it. If it’s possible to be grateful for gratitude, then I am. And I’ll count on it for getting me through the next several days when I know my energy and mood will be taxed. I’ll be back here, god willing, to share my new insights (or rediscover previous ones) on navigating life’s challenges with an open heart. See you tomorrow.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 436

Posted on September 22, 2012 by mtchamblee

Today I worked pretty much all day. At mid-afternoon I took a bit of a break from some of the packing and cleaning and dejunking I’ve been doing all day since about 6:30 this morning to jot down a few thoughts for tonight’s blog. As I’m running around in all the packing frenzy, I keep passing pieces of furniture or memorabilia that I’ll be leaving behind here in California (either donated or dumped.) I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t take everything with me. Today I looked longingly at the child’s school desk that I bought along with its little oak chair for 20 dollars at a flea market over 20 years ago. I had lovingly stripped off the old icky paint and refinished them both with a very light stain, allowing the beauty of the natural wood grain to stand out wonderfully under the clear finish. And so I found myself thinking about ways I can use the desk even though it’s long since ceased to be useful for its original purpose. And I begin to recognize and acknowledge that this feeling really is all about letting go, at so many levels.

I have studiously ignored my feelings around letting go. I don’t have the luxury of time to explore the myriad complex emotions I have about leaving the Bay area. The current pressures of figuring out what to physically let go of, negotiating with the mover about how much it will cost to haul what I do plan to take, and finding a place to live to there’s somewhere to put my stuff when it gets there is more than enough to keep my mind fully engaged with logistics and my heart safely preoccupied from feeling much more than a vague sense of unease and loss. I need it to remain that way for the next few weeks. Of course, one cannot necessarily plan to have meltdowns or experience waves of sadness when they’re convenient; but if I can will myself into stillness for at least the next couple of weeks so that I can function, that would be greatly appreciated.

Earlier this week I noticed that I haven’t been breathing very much. Obviously we all breathe to stay alive, we’re wired to do that automatically. But I noticed I haven’t been breathing very deeply. As I’ve become conscious of this fact I’ve tried to be much more intentional about drawing a deeper breath every now and again. Shallow breathing, nervous stomach, adrenalized heart and limbs…I realized that I’ve been in “fight or flight” mode the past week or so, those physiological responses to perceived threats that are leftover from our days when our ancestors were more prey than predator and survival was far from guaranteed. At least now that I have this awareness I can take steps to try to ameliorate the symptoms by allowing myself a few minutes here or there over the course of the day to take a deep breath or two and calm myself down. It’s still a bit unnatural, but my breathing is coming a little more comfortably now. My guess is that as things wind down here, I’ll be breathing much more easily, and by say, Thanksgiving, I should be much calmer.

But that will be then and this is now. And in my now, I have to work on breathing. It’s all good. I am grateful to have made it through another day in which I managed to accomplish a number of things. I still have much to do, but it will have to keep until tomorrow as I am too tired for physical work at this point. Besides, I have some business-related work that I have to sit still in order to do. Sitting still is a pretty good thing after spending most of the day standing, bending, reaching, hauling, lifting, pulling, etc. It’ll be some cubed watermelon, acetaminophen, and bedtime for me, hopefully before 11:30 tonight. Tomorrow is an early start and another long, physically tiring day. They’re just going to be like that, and that’s okay. This is what’s true for now.

Perhaps in preparation for tomorrow’s blog I’ll give myself permission to let go a little bit. September 23 is the second anniversary of my father’s death. And while I know I have to work and go about my day as if it’s just another day, my awareness of his absence will be the background music as I continue working. When I sit down tomorrow night to write this blog, I hope to be able to report with deep gratitude that I had a good day. In the meantime,  I’ll simply offer gratitude for this one. And so it is.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 435

Posted on September 21, 2012 by mtchamblee

It has been a long week. I am grateful that it is over. After many times in Mephisto’s saddle I am bruised, worn out, and suffering from emotional whiplash. But…I am still here and still grateful and pushing on. I have a lot to do and not a whole lot of time. There’s a lot I want to say, some pretty big things that I’m grateful for this evening, but I don’t quite have the energy to describe them in the manner that they deserve. So I will defer. I am likely to be pretty tired over the next couple of weeks, but will be here every evening, god and the wifi willing, sharing a few thoughts about gratitude.

Today was my last day of work at my contract job, where I’ve worked since February. Working at this organization was a godsend in many ways. Much of the time I worked there I’ve felt like I didn’t understand the language of the industry and was at a loss in trying to do some of what I was being asked to do. What I can say is that, while I didn’t always really comprehend what I was doing, I could nonetheless figure out how to organize the work and do what needed to be done. My role actually was to support one of the project managers in various ways to free her up to do the work that required someone with the expertise to do the complicated stuff. I threw myself into my tasks with the intention of doing whatever I knew or could figure out how to do to the best of my ability. I did “menial” things like make copies, scan documents, put together application binders, send emails and make phone calls. It could have been humiliating, but instead it was humbling.

It would be easy for a Ph.D. holder to believe that some work is beneath them–certainly administrative support could be considered such, right? At the height of my work life I had a support person working for me, making copies for me, making phone calls for me. But no, doing this work has not humiliating for me and my PhD self–humbling to work in a place where I was so out of my element that I felt like an undergraduate in my knowledge of this particular field of endeavor. But rather than remain stuck in my ignorance, I threw myself into trying to understand enough of what the organization wanted me to do so I could do a good job without screwing anything up and perhaps doing some good.

Today as I took my leave from my colleagues (they took me out to lunch), I allowed myself to take in the praise that the boss has lavished on me for some time but I’d previously rejected. “Because of you,” he said, ” several hundred senior citizens will have safe, affordable homes to live in.” Sometimes in the process of putting together binders, uploading documents to the internet, emailing lawyers and lending institutions, making copies, etc. it’s easy to forget the bigger picture, the why that motivates the what of the work you’re doing. It was good to hear that the tens of thousands of pages I copied and inserted into application binders translates into creating safe, comfortable spaces for elders.

I’m rambling–a sign of my tiredness. I will close by once again expressing gratitude for the contract work I did with the organization for seven months. Of course I was grateful for the work, which paid more than my unemployment benefits; but beyond the financial element, it also gave me the opportunity to work, to use my mind in thoughtful, creative ways that I wasn’t during the hours I spent job hunting and collecting unemployment. It helped me feel useful, to get out of the house (and out of my beat up blue jeans), and go do good work. And being able to help people in the process is all good. I am grateful.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 434

Posted on September 20, 2012 by mtchamblee

It has been a good day. If you were waiting for guttural noises from me tonight, I’m not going to make them–at least not in the blog. This morning I received an email from one of my brothers informing me that he had “reached in and snatched the wires out of Mephisto [the mechanical bull] so he will be still for a while.” That must have accounted for the significantly calmer day that I had from start to finish. It was a good day, but I am bone tired. Still, it’s all good. I have miles to go before I sleep tonight–a lot of figuring and planning to get done. But first I’ll spend a little while contemplating the things for which I am grateful.

I have often said that even on my worst, most difficult, depressed, challenging days I can always find something to be grateful for; everywhere I look I can find something that enriches or blesses my life in some way (including the fact that I can look, physically look around with eyes that see at the multiple blessings around me.) On days that are neutral or pretty good, I can easily find many things I am grateful for. And, on really, really good days I don’t even have to look, the blessings are literally everywhere I look. It has a lot to do with perspective, of course. When I am in a really good emotional space I don’t even have to look, to think. I am simply grateful for virtually everything that crosses my path. This is not fake or artificial; I am genuinely grateful for or touched by life around me and I see beauty in  all kinds of things. On the really hard days, and I’ve had more than a few of those in my lifetime, it takes much more effort to look and find them and to feel truly grateful, but it’s possible and quite doable. I’ve spent the many of the last 400+ days doing it. The task is to take the time to do it.

This evening I am grateful for my siblings. I have five of the most wonderful brothers and sisters; each unique in her or his own way, they each bring their own special gifts to my life and to our collective life as a family. This has become particularly true over the past few years. This is not to say that everyone falls over one another gushing with great outpourings of love and affection; like any family some members are closer to one another than others. This has always been true. But by and large, when the going gets tough for one or more of us, the rest of us show up.  This has never been clearer to me than it has been over the past 18 months when my siblings have stepped up in countless ways to provide a web of support beneath me and my children when I lost my job and suffered my “series of unfortunate events.” As I stand on the brink of my “what’s next,” I know that I am standing strong with my heart and mind still in one piece  only because of the love and support of my family–my siblings and my children.

I am deeply grateful to have strong emotional connections to each of my siblings. I have been buoyed not only by their love, but also their friendship. It is really a gift when you really like and enjoy close connections with your kin folks. I find myself wishing that I were more deeply connected to my nieces and nephews. I managed to get to know some of them more than others, because I either lived close by or participated in their rearing in some small ways. Still, they’ve grown up into interesting human beings that I think I want to spend time getting to know them a bit more as the adults they’ve become. Right now I have somewhat a reputation among them, which I don’t mind in the least. I think it’s something akin to “crazy Aunt Terry,” but the shoe fits, so I might as well wear it with pride.

In a few weeks I’ll be living in the same geographic region as all three of my sisters for the first time in over 30 years. In 1979 I spent my last summer at home with my younger sister before she headed off to college and I to graduate school. My two older sisters had long since moved away from home for college and to start careers and families. It’s going to be interesting and I believe delightful to acquaint myself more closely with their lives, to hang out at their homes and to participate in what my sister Sandy used to euphemistically call “bonding projects” (which usually involved manual labor, largely on my part) working on some element in her house or yard. I can hardly wait.

I am grateful beyond measure to have such wonderful people in my life–I probably didn’t always think they were wonderful, but I sure do now! I wish everyone could have such connections. If you’re fortunate enough to have siblings and really blessed to still have one or both parents still with you, hug them hard and love them up and recognize them for the gifts they are. I know I’m planning on it.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 433

Posted on September 19, 2012 by mtchamblee

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhh!

Yesterday it was wooooo hooooo and a ride on the bull, today it is a long shrieking free fall ; the kind where your stomach is in your mouth and the wind squishes your face into funny expressions as you hurtle toward the ground. Some people find it exhilarating to plummet  through the sky headed toward the land as it looms ever closer. I tend to find it terrifying. I am only faintly aware at this moment that I am indeed attached to a parachute (or perhaps a bungee cord), but that’s easy to forget as the earth is rushing up to meet you. You close your eyes and pray (silently because the wind would snatch the sound from your mouth should you try to open it to speak) that you’ll feel the bone jarring snatch as the chute opens (or the you reach the end of the cord) versus the significant splat if it doesn’t. Of course, if it’s the splat you won’t be aware of it anyway.

YIKES! This blog is about gratitude??

It’s been that kind of day–I’m not sure even Mama thought there’d be days like this, but probably so. Mama was pretty smart after all. I have run a gamut of emotions today, with the exception of anger, which is good. Today I was stressed out to the max, sad in saying good bye to people, and doing a lot of letting go. I am exhausted in most of the ways one can be, and perhaps in a few that I haven’t even thought of yet. But as always, I am conscious that my life is good in so very many ways. Over these months of struggle I’ve held this tension between what has indeed been for me a very difficult and trying time with the knowledge that my life is so very easy when viewed from various perspectives. For many people around the world and even people in this country life is a daily struggle for survival, that having a roof over their head, food to eat, fresh water to drink, shoes on their feet would be luxuries that they can only dimly imagine or dream of.

This is a conundrum. It is not about diminishing my difficulties, particularly as a means of feeling better by comparing them to those of others: “Yeah, my life sucks but at least it’s not as bad as that person’s.” And it’s not about guilt: “Yes things are hard, but they could be so much worse. Think about all the starving people in Africa…” I guess it’s part of the sense-making process that I spoke about in a blog a few days ago. I look at my situation in comparison to those of people around me, looking at things in different contexts and multiple viewpoints and frames of mind. It’s a means of figuring things out.

I am on the verge of breaking through to my “what’s next.” It’s literally right around the corner. I have a little bit more uncertainty, stress, wakefulness, sadness and other emotional states that I will inevitably go through in the days ahead. It sort of goes along with the territory. But all is well and all shall be well, all manner of things shall be well. Two hours ago I sat, head in hands, sobbing. I was simply feeling the pressures and weights of things still to be worked out and many more hours of physical work ahead (not tonight, but over the next days). Gratitude is still there, though, in the midst of all the other emotions, and in the end, gratitude almost always wins out.

I have no idea at the moment how the things that are up in the air at this moment are going to land. But I do know that things will work out. I’ll be back here tomorrow, God willing, continuing to walk this path of life, navigating it as best I can with a grateful heart. Thank you for walking with me.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 432

Posted on September 18, 2012 by mtchamblee

Woooooooo Hoooooooo!

Just thought I’d start off today’s blog a little differently than usual. For those of you who are regular readers of this blog, you know that I write it in the evenings as my day is winding (or has wound) down, and as often happens, it is now 9 p.m. Pacific Time and many of my regular readers are already in bed. So tomorrow sometime they’ll get their “woo hoo.”

Today has ended on a good note after a somewhat rocky start this morning. I approached Mephisto the mechanical bull, but didn’t climb on today, which is a good thing. Still, I confess that I woke around 5:00 a.m. in a great deal of turmoil, as I grapple with some fairly significant unresolved issues concerning my move East. My mind was whirling too fast and I couldn’t quite calm myself to relax back into sleep. I went to work today, frazzled before I even walked in the door and when I got there, the air was crackling with intense energy. There are major business transactions happening where I work where millions of dollars of grants and loans and properties are changing hands tomorrow. Between the intensity of the people in the office and my own high pitched whine of anxiety, I wasn’t able to concentrate on what I was doing. I ended up leaving hours earlier than I usually do, which turned out to be a good thing.

The truth is, I needed to be doing something related to my move and get myself out into the air. I went to my storage unit, and did some work around the house–not tons of work like I do on the weekends, but I got some more things packed and did some good thinking about how I need to organize myself for the next few days. I also spoke to one of my sisters who is on the case helping me think about where I’m going to live and other important details that have yet to be worked out. All in all, I am grateful to be in a calm, quiet, good mood as I wind down this evening. There have been times over the past month or so when I’ve felt like a violin string someone has wound just a little too tight, that feeling of being stretched to the breaking point. But I haven’t snapped, and I’m not going to. (You can’t count my little tantrum that I had yesterday as “snapping,” it was simply a 10 minute tirade that passed almost as quickly as it had started.)

Even when I don’t feel fine, at my core I know that I am fine. Sometime after my little freak out yesterday, I sent a message to my cousin about how shaky I’d been feeling that day. She wrote back to me, her words rich with wisdom, humor, and enthusiasm, stating, “You’re a shining example of courage and strength. You’re not *going to be alright*, you are already more than alright.” Oh yeah, I have to remember that. So as I get ready to take my rest for the night, I am calm and peaceful, resting in my “alrightness” and living that truth. I am grateful to have family and friends in my life who remind me that I’m not in this alone and that I am definitely going to be alright. Their words and actions encourage me and help keep me keep moving even when I want to sit down in the middle of all the chaos and give up.

Tonight I am looking forward to a good rest. And if I wake tomorrow morning at 5:00 and am freaked out all over again, I’ll continue to use the tools at hand to calm myself down as best I can and get on with the day. I’ll be back here tomorrow ready for another go at gratitude. For now, sleep calls.

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