Lessons in Gratitude Day 272

Posted on April 11, 2012 by mtchamblee

Today started out alright, but it is not really ending as well as I’d hoped when the day began. Sometimes the struggle gets to be a little too much and I hit a wall. It’s okay really. I’ve hit it before. I don’t bounce back quite as quickly as I perhaps used to, but I bounce back. This is what I keep telling myself, anyway. Tonight I am grateful that I was able to devote my time and energy to something other than fretting about things in my life. I spent the afternoon volunteering at the Berkeley Food Pantry. It continues to be one of the best things I do during the course of a week. I will continue to give my time there for as long as I live in the greater Berkeley area.

Today I am grateful for many things. They are basic things like sufficient food to eat–I actually had breakfast, lunch, and dinner today, a warm, dry place out of the rain we’ve been having this week, and part-time employment that helps me meet some of my obligations. I have friends and family whom I dearly love and who love me. I have sufficient clothes and shoes that are in relatively good repair. I have safe, reliable transportation to get me and my son where we need to go. I have full use of my body and am relatively healthy. These are just a few of the many basic things I am fortunate to have in my life. I also have a long list of issues of concern in my life and I must confess that at times this other list gets overwhelming to the point of obscuring my simple gratitudes. I am at that place this evening. This too shall pass.

Optimism really is a miraculous thing. Is there a wellspring of hopefulness that bubbles up in the human spirit? There must be. Mine keeps showing up even when things look and feel particularly bleak. I am exceedingly grateful for this. I will shortly sign off tonight. I will go to bed and eventually I will go to sleep. When I wake in the morning it will be to face a new day perhaps with new optimism for good things to unfold over the course of the day. I will look for and find the moments of grace throughout the day that carry me and for which I will manage to find words of gratitude for when I blog at the close of day. This is how it is for now. I encourage myself using the words of Dame Julian of Norwich, a fourteenth century Christian mystic, “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” So let it be.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 271

Posted on April 10, 2012 by mtchamblee

Honest to goodness I don’t know why I am amazed to be at the end of another day. One moment I am sitting up, shaking off sleep and writing in my morning journal and then I sort of remember the process of getting ready and going to work and working and then getting into the evening traffic on the way home. Then it’s fixing and eating dinner, perhaps watching some of the day’s news for a bit, then retiring upstairs to begin the blog writing and other things I do in what seems to be a very narrow window of time and energy. Somehow after spending time with Lessons in Gratitude and then posting it on Facebook and checking to see what everyone’s been up to all day, it’s time to take my rest before waking and starting all over again. Such is the way for millions of people, I am by no means special in that way. Still, the passage of time occurs now with such speed as to be breathtaking. Nevertheless, I am grateful for this day.

Tonight, just for a few minutes I want to return to an oft-visited theme of this blog: the transformative power of music. I had a song in my head that I wanted to hear–a James Taylor tune that for some reason was calling to me just then. I couldn’t find it, but I turned on my iPod to one of my JT playlists and pushed play. I was immediately transported by the song that came on to an earlier time in my life. I’ve listened to (and played) James Taylor tunes for well over 40 years (since I was a wee baby.) The power of his music to take me back to various times of my life is remarkable and instantaneous.  Music is something I never take for granted. I am grateful to have been exposed to such an incredible variety of musical genres and consider my tastes wide ranging and eclectic.

I must confess though that I miss the days when I could take whatever I was feeling and pour it out into music–my own songs, my words, my composition. Music was what gave me voice when I didn’t have other ways of expressing myself. Like my garden that I mentioned in my blog a few days ago, as my life got more hectic and stressful, my ability to create new and expressive music has diminished to a mere trickle. This is definitely something I would like to reclaim at some point, but as with the garden and a few other things in my life, time, opportunity, and creative and physical energy haven’t aligned at the same time to allow me to write any new music. While I might be tempted to shrug and say, “Oh well, that was for a time in my life and that time has passed,” somehow I can’t quite bring myself to believe that. I still have a lot to say, a lot to express and share with the world around me. As is true with so many other parts of my life at the moment, I have no idea what, how, and when the planets will align and I will get simultaneously hit with bursts of inspiration, opportunity, creative energy and time. The best I can do is to promise to continue to pay attention to the subtle signs that come my way and be ready when the burst hits.

Sometimes it feels like I spend a lot of time waiting for this alignment to happen. Not idly waiting, mind you. I do try to keep myself engaged in some occupation that will encourage movement in the direction I am hoping to go. If I truly desire to get back to a place of writing music, I need to be sure to keep singing, playing my guitar, thinking in rhymes. I get impatient and agitated and worried that perhaps I might not compose another song, write another poem, plant another garden. But that is when the gift of perseverance kicks in and that small gust of wind that I need fills the sails of my little boat and keeps me sailing forward rather than sitting still or sinking. I am truly appreciative of that gift. It has not failed me, even in the midst of the challenging times of the past year. When I call upon it, it is there. Thank god.

I never did find the James Taylor song I was looking for in my music library. I had it once, but no longer. But the beauty of the internet meant I didn’t have to look far to find it. Enjoy “Secret O’ Life” with me. Life really is “such a lovely ride.”

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 270

Posted on April 9, 2012 by mtchamblee

Whew, long day working. I am grateful for it, though I’m a bit tired and the taxes will go yet another day unfinished. I am grateful to be working. Though it is not a full-time, permanent position, it helps me meet some of my obligations, which is a good thing. I work with good people who are doing good work. Although I still don’t understand many of the particulars of what I am doing, I know enough to contribute to advancing the projects I’m assisting with and to the overall wellbeing of the clients served by the organization. As I continue to consider my “what’s next” in terms of my right livelihood, I am glad to be earning income working for a nonprofit organization that serves an significantly underserved population.

Tonight I will offer a few simple gratitudes and close. I continue to be grateful for the assistance of a “long lost” cousin who is helping me research my family heritage. I have never met her in person, but we enjoy a very easy connection and I feel like I’ve known her for many years. She is a very experienced genealogical researcher and I am blessed to have her help. Beyond that, I am developing a friendship with her, kindled in part by our mutual interest in/passion for family history. She has decades of actual experience and I am a rank amateur, but she and another newfound cousin and I have corresponded a lot and together we are uncovering some of the mysteries of who we are and how we got here. It is a fascinating and energizing process. As the self-proclaimed historian of my branch of the family I am digging into this information as time permits (and sometimes even when time doesn’t permit). This has been the quest of my lifetime and I aim to see it through. We shall see where this path leads.

I am also grateful for my two children and the wonderful human beings that they are. I am proud of each of them for who they are and who they’re becoming. Each in their own right are marvelous creations. It is a joy to behold their unfolding. If they were reading this they’d probably ask me what I’ve been smoking to cause me to wax so poetic, and don’t get me wrong, there are times when I want to throttle them. But my prevailing sentiment is that they’re both really cool people with whom I enjoy spending time. I look forward to the days ahead when our lives each smooth out a bit more and we struggle a bit less. The stress of the past 15 months or so has taken a toll on all of us, but it has also made us stronger. Knowing that these challenges will pass keeps us moving forward with our lives with as much grace and gratitude as we can muster.

And since my simple gratitude seems to be about family I want to express my deep gratitude and love for my siblings. As I continue exploring my family heritage, I’ve had occasion to look at a lot of pictures of the early years with my siblings and parents, as well as grandparents and earlier generations. As I look at the pictures and into the eyes of my siblings, my father, my mother I realize how much I love and each of them and how truly blessed I am to enjoy good relationships with each of them. It makes me sad when I hear about how various people are estranged and separated from their siblings. I could not imagine going years without seeing my brothers and sisters. I manage to see everyone at least once per year and talk on the phone and Skype and chat with them with varying degrees of regularity. My life is richer for having my siblings as an active part of it. Though we don’t connect in person nearly as often as I’d like, they are never far from my mind and heart. They are, as I said to a friend recently, my heart and soul.

So as I prepare to take my rest I will recount those things for which I am grateful and will also check in on my happiness project: what has made me happy today. I won’t have to think too hard or look any farther than the photos of my siblings and parents that I had up tonight. May they all know happiness and the root of happiness. So be it!

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 269

Posted on April 8, 2012 by mtchamblee

I am grateful this evening for being able to spend time in the company of friends. I went to Easter “brunch” and stayed for the better part of the day. Good food, good conversation, good people. I wasn’t in a particular hurry to get home, it was going to be just me and the dog after all (and she’s not much for conversation.) When I got here, I ran into a bit of a buzz saw of things that I didn’t particularly want to face (finishing my taxes, for example) and then finding myself needing to think and write about gratitude. Mama used to say, “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything….” (I think lots of Mamas said that.) So it is a bit challenging to be cranky and still write about things I am grateful for. Challenging, but far from impossible. I’ve written this blog many times twisting myself about like a pretzel to describe things that didn’t feel very good and positive in such a way as to make them good and positive. I’ve become a master at it. This is perhaps a testament to my abilities as a writer.

In spite of my crankiness, I am still grateful for many things. Music for one. My guitar hasn’t been out of its case in several weeks. The case is sitting on my bed, and I will take the guitar out and play for at least a few minutes before returning it to its case and putting it back into the closet. My closet has no doors, so it’s not really hidden and is in fact quite accessible. Music has the power to lift my spirits and if not eliminate then at least ameliorate the crankies. Playing my guitar won’t finish my taxes for me–they weren’t going to be finished tonight anyway–but it might make me feel a bit better. It is a gift that I do not take for granted.

I am also grateful for my daily writing. In the morning it helps to dump things out of my head onto the paper. Sometimes it’s a place where I can outline what I’m thinking about in terms of my “what’s next” career wise, and other times it’s a place to vent, to express fears or concerns, to offer prayers and lovingkindness meditations, and to pretty much scribble down whatever’s on my mind and heart at the time. The evening writing–this blog–is not as easy as my morning journal. For one thing, people other than me read this. So it needs to make some semblance of sense (although one might not notice this so much this evening…) And I want to be much more thoughtful about what I’m putting out into the Universe and the blogosphere. Writing this blog helps me to find the good that’s been available to me over the course of a given day, even when that good has been obscured by other things.

I’ve been spending time the past few days not only thinking about what I am grateful for each day, but also what makes me happy. That was a little tricky at first because I wasn’t entirely sure what to look for; but then I realize it’s not much different than thinking about gratitude. Well I don’t run around in great throes of ecstasy very often (if ever) these days, I do believe that I can find something each day that has made me happy. I would love to be ecstatic, and perhaps that will come eventually. For now I am going with, “Ah, that made me happy today.” It could perhaps be more accurate to say, “That made me smile today,” but for me right now I’m going to equate something that makes me smile with something that makes me happy. My working theory is that if I keep identifying these things that make me smile/happy, then I will find even more things that make me happy until eventually, I might actually be happy all the time. Imagine that! I’m not going to start up a blog about lessons in happiness, but I promise to report back on how the daily happiness project is going.

It’s time to play my guitar now. That will give me another thing that makes me happy. It sure beats the crankies any day.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 268

Posted on April 8, 2012 by mtchamblee

Tonight I spent an hour on the the computer visiting with my brother. I am grateful for the technology that allows me to see and hear my brother (and his wife and kids). We were able to joke and laugh almost as if I were sitting in the same room with him. I was talking to him about my daughter moving away to go to graduate school and about how it would be weird for me to be farther than an hour drive away from her. She will be a 14 hour drive or two hour flight away when she moves to Seattle near the end of summer. I wondered aloud to my brother how our mother coped with her girls all moving far away from home for school.

“Well back then there were no cell phones or instant messaging or video chatting or any of that stuff,” he reminded me. “You could maybe get a phone call once a week or a letter in the mail every now and then. Now you can send emails and texts instantly or talk or Skype every day.”

I realize how right he was. Technology is what allowed me to connect with him today and last week. There’s no reason I can’t talk to him “in person” like that all the time. Same with anyone else in my family. While some of my siblings are luddites when it comes to using technology (I used to think my other brother didn’t even know how to turn on a computer), we have means to connect whenever we want to.

I am also reminded about how fortunate we are to have access to the technology and that we can afford it. My laptop is six years old–ancient by some standards–and it acts a little funky at times, crashing and such. I lay my hands on it trying to will it to keep functioning properly. But the fact that I have a computer at all, and an iPod, “smart” phone, and all manner of technology is a blessing that many people do not have.

My son says that we are “cyborgs,” that we are so reliant on our technologies that we are in essence part machine and will someday be unable to function without them. I don’t know about all that, but I do know that we do so much with technology that we can find it slow and archaic and irritating if we have to do things the “old fashioned” way. Today I wrote out a birthday card and mailed it snail mail (with a stamp and everything) to my aunt in Nashville. She’ll get it late–the postal carrier didn’t pick it up until late afternoon and my aunt’s birthday is Monday–but she’ll have a physical thing that comes in her mailbox that she’ll get to open. My daughter sent me a letter via snail mail a few weeks ago. She said she wanted to surprise me, and it did. I must confess that every day I go to my mailbox wishing something “good” would come in the post, something besides “window” mail–bills and junk. It was good to receive a nice letter telling me that I am loved and appreciated and wishing me a good week. I hope my Aunt is as delighted to receive a card with a neatly typed letter inside. Technology is allowing us to do amazingly cool things like talk “face to face” with people thousands of miles away. But sometimes simple technology like an old fashioned letter in the mail is priceless.

I am grateful for the myriad variety of ways I can connect to people that I love. I text and play games with my daughter on our phones nearly every day. I Skype or “Facetime” with family and friends every week and talk on my cell phone to them constantly. When it comes right down to it, though, I’d really like a transporter system like they have in Star Trek, where I can beam myself over and greet my brother with a hug and kiss, and sit in his house and hag out or a few hours then beam myself back. Because in the end, there’s nothing quite like being there in person.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 267

Posted on April 6, 2012 by mtchamblee

Tonight is a good night for a brief entry. I am grateful for this day. It started early this morning with my writing practice–though I had hoped to sleep in, I had to take my son to work at 8:00 this morning. Early this afternoon I drove down to Stanford University to watch my niece Amanda throw the javelin in a national collegiate track meet. I had an easy drive down, found a parking space (no mean feat) and watched her throw the javelin. It was my first meet since I watched my sister run track and long jump at the Penn Relays in Philadelphia way back in the 1980s. Her event took approximately 20 minutes. I then visited with her for about an hour and then hopped back in my car for the 58 mile, 95-minute trip home. I am grateful for the relatively easy commute home. Friday afternoon is not a great time to be in traffic, but it wasn’t bad. Perhaps the good Friday holiday meant fewer people headed home from work. I was glad for the lighter traffic. I was tired and ready to be home.

Like so many other people, I have a lot on my mind. I think a lot about the state of the world and how the state of the world affects me and mine. Like many Americans, I am unemployed and looking for a job. I struggle financially and work out creative strategies to make ends meet each month. Like many people I love my family–my children, my siblings and their children. I thank God every day and most days I sing. (If I don’t, something’s wrong.)  I offer lovingkindness and compassion for us all on most days, and I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can contribute to making the world a better place and beyond thinking I do something at least once per week to offer that contribution. I pray and cry and worry and laugh and smile; some of these I do every day. I am living my life from one moment to the next, one day to the next and am learning to be okay with not knowing.

A part of me wants to have a plan, to have everything neatly laid out so all I have to do is follow the path, read the directions, follow the recipe, study the manual and presto, everything turns out fine. But having a manual or recipe or clearly marked pathway doesn’t appear to be part of my journey at this time. So I feel my way along day by day with just enough light for the step I’m on. And….I must learn to be alright with that, to be able to flow and be with what is. It’s kind of a maddening place to be at the moment; but being maddened isn’t making things move any faster. So, I might as well enjoy the ride.

I am grateful. Every day, whether I have the energy or right configuration of words to describe it in a daily blog. I will continue to be grateful along with all the other things I am being. And I will be alright with the impermanence and uncertainty that surrounds my life. There’s a line near the end of the poem “The Desiderata” that has resonated with me for many, many years. “And whether or not it is clear to you, your life is unfolding as it should.” If indeed my life is unfolding as it should, then I reckon it matters not whether that is clear to me. I am a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and the stars. I have a right to be here. So I will continue to walk the path, asking my questions along the way, and seeing how things unfold. While I definitely have a few thoughts about how I’d like for some things to turn out, I am not deeply invested in them. We shall see what happens as it happens. And, as best I can, I will report back and let you know how it’s going.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 266

Posted on April 5, 2012 by mtchamblee

We are coming to the close of another week. By and large it has been a pretty good one. Now I approach the weekend which is often a mixed bag of emotions. Regular early readers of this blog will remember me writing about “blue Friday,” as each Friday I struggled with the blues and battled depression  sometimes through the entire weekend. I still suffer a bit from blue Friday, though it is not every Friday, and the amount of time I spend in a low energy, depressed funk is significantly less than it used to be. Sometimes I forget the distance I’ve travelled in the last several months. Because I still face some of the same challenges I did a year ago, it’s easy to lose sight of the progress I’ve made and the learning I’ve managed in this time.

Recently a friend who’s watched me go through the dramas of the past year and who’s known me for a few years commented on how far I’ve come over the past year in dealing with depression and bouncing back from numerous setbacks. I had to stop myself from discounting what she said. I still feel unsettled and at times quite shaky. My moments of equanimity seem tenuous at best and I feel the spectre of depression hanging around as if waiting to pounce at any moment. But, as I think about it, I am standing on my own two feet…sometimes a little shaky, but still standing. Over the past several weeks I’ve been researching my family tree, just beginning to learn a little bit about my ancestors. The researcher I am working with has a great deal of admiration for them and has pointed out to me on more than one occasion that I come from good stock. So in a sense I should not be surprised that in the midst of difficult circumstances I find a way to retain an ability to function, to soldier on no matter what. I am grateful for the progress I’ve made and for the people around me who see it and tell me about it. It makes those times when I feel a bit shaky a little easier to manage. And while I look forward to easier days when some of the current pressures lighten up a bit, I am learning to be alright with the shakiness and uncertainty that mark my current life.

It’s a good time to trot back out one of my favorite poems. I’ve posted it in its entirety twice and referred to it only two other times in 265 posts, which I find remarkable because it’s all about perseverance. So, I offer it once again. It’s been three months since I last wrote about it so it feels alright to bring it back. Besides, I have new sojourners who’ve only recently joined me on this path of gratitude. Whether you’ve been here from day one or are just joining in on day 266, its worth remembering with gratitude those times when we stand shaky but upright and hold on through those occasional dark nights of the soul to emerge into the light of the new day. For each of us today and for my ancestors who endured conditions and situations much harder than mine, I offer the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley:

Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

May we be safe and protected. May we be healthy and strong in body, mind, and spirit. May we live with joy, ease, and wellbeing. May we be happy and peaceful. May we experience the arising and passing of all things with equanimity and balance. May we hold our sorrows and grief with great compassion. May we be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. So be it!

© M. T. Chamblee, 2012

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 265

Posted on April 4, 2012 by mtchamblee

I am grateful this evening for the teachings I’ve received on mindfulness meditation through the East Bay Meditation Center in Oakland. What I’ve learned since I first began attending events and classes at EBMC last July has been invaluable to me as I navigated the rough waters I experienced during my year of living dangerously in 2011. The teachings of the dharma–the Four Noble Truths, the Eightfold Path, the Four Limitless Qualities, as well as the practice of mindfulness meditation have all been immensely valuable to me, providing a framework on which I’ve been able to build my recovery and bouncing back process. Meditating and offering metta or lovingkindness numerous times throughout the course of a week helps me to stay focused on what’s good by wishing well to myself and others. At least once per day I offer several phrases of well-wishing that are fashioned after the buddhist concept of metta. These are variations I’ve learned from various teachers some of which I’ve tweaked the words a little bit.

May I/you/we be peaceful and happy.
May I/we/you be safe and protected from harm.
May I/we/you be healthy and strong in body, mind and spirit.
May I/we/you  live with joy, ease, and wellbeing.

I also add other phrases about compassion–for oneself and others–and still others about equanimity as time and inclination allow. It is a bit like a prayer and I find that offering metta, focusing requests for the good of all beings everywhere, helps calm me at times when I might otherwise be a bit anxious. I have a ways to go and a lot more to learn to develop a consistent meditation practice, but I am hopeful I’ll continue working in that direction.

Today has felt like another long day and after a very active day at the Berkeley Food Pantry I am tired. In keeping with my new stated goal of getting more rest each night than I have been, I will close tonight’s blog much sooner than usual. I’ve already nodded off a few times with my laptop balanced gently on my lap, my fingers stilled on the keyboard (it’s amazing how many G’s one can squeeze onto two lines when one falls asleep pressing the key.) So I will take my rest. May we all be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. And may we all be happy and experience the causes of happiness. So be it!

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 264

Posted on April 3, 2012 by mtchamblee

Well, the week is rolling along. Today has felt like a really long day. I am grateful to be almost ready to call it a night and take my rest. I am starting to think that  not getting enough sleep is a pretty serious thing. I am working on getting to bed a little earlier, though it’s not going quite as well as I’d hoped. Part of the challenge occurs with all the gear shifting I do during the course of a single day. Today felt like about three different days. I woke this morning and did my journaling then got dressed and ready for the day, ate breakfast, etc. Then I was up and out of the house relatively early to accompany my son to a meeting he had that lasted over 90 minutes. Then I was off to work. When I left work, I was tired and famished (I hadn’t eaten lunch) so I came home, heated up some leftovers, collapsed on the sofa and watched the news for a bit. Then I came upstairs to work on some job applications and now am here with gratitude.

I am grateful for a number of seemingly unrelated things today. So I will zero in on one and let that be the focus for tonight’s blog.

I am grateful that I have a son that doesn’t mind hugging me, in fact he often goes out of his way to hug me, and yes, even in public. Last night I had gone to sleep before Jared, as I usually do (and wake up much earlier than he does…)  I heard him tap on my door.

“Mom, are you awake?”
“I am now,” I replied in remarkable good humor, “Come on in.”
He came in. I could see his outline silhouetted in the doorway.
“I just wanted to give you a hug.”
“Oh good! I’m always up for a hug.”
He picked his way carefully over to me and gave me the requested hug. We chatted for a few minutes and then he headed back to his room. I smiled to myself there in the dark. It took me a little while to get back to sleep, but it was worth it.

I have a friend who has a son Jared’s age. She would dearly love to get even an occasional hug or “I love you” from him, but it isn’t in his personality to demonstrate his love and affection for his mother. Periodically he shows flashes of warm emotions for her, but they quickly pass. I am grateful that, although Jared and I are sometimes in conflict with one another, he still makes it a point to hug me and tell me he loves me at least once every day. I see that as a very good thing. I don’t take that for granted, either. I am pleased and so grateful for the love and unique relationships I have with each of my children. It is among those blessings in my life that has remained solid and steady and strong no matter how challenging life has been over the past year. I look forward to continuing to strengthen my relationship with each of them.

I am going to rest my weary head now. Thanks to each of you who reads this blog faithfully and who forgive me when it is not as coherent or interesting as it could be or has been. And, as James Taylor says in one of his songs, “Everybody’s got some days that they can’t explain.” Sometimes I can’t explain why the blog turns out the way it does. Sometimes it’s a struggle to come up with an idea for the blog and then write about it. But it has proven to be worth the effort to keep it going, so I’ll keep at it. Anyone who draws strength from reading some of the ideas I’ve written here helps me keep going–both on my own journey as well as in writing this blog. Thanks to those who read and comment. May you be blessed and create opportunities to share your gratitude with the world around you. So be it!

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 263

Posted on April 2, 2012 by mtchamblee

Today has been an odd sort of day. Late this morning at work I became aware that the administrative assistant was listening to something on her computer. This is unusual for her as her desk is in the center of the suite of offices and is usually pretty quiet. It turns out she was listening to a news report of a mass shooting less than two blocks from our building. It was a little surreal, actually to hear the sound of sirens howling and helicopters circling the area. As we listened we heard more details about the attacks that left seven people dead. Meanwhile I went on about my business at work. I drove past the area on my way home from work, and by then the choppers had cleared out and the intersection close to where the shootings took place looked as it normally does. Odd to have been in the general vicinity of the crime and have no awareness of it whatsoever. It could’ve been happening in the next state rather than in the next block for all the effect it had on me. I pray for the families of the victims and for all whose lives were shattered by today’s violence.

The purpose of this blog each night is to focus on gratitude and on how to navigate the inevitable challenges of life with a grateful heart. At times like these when acts of violence are being perpetrated  so many times a day all over the planet it is hard to make sense of it all. Yet somehow in the midst of difficult times, tragic news, challenging and unsettling circumstances, there is still room to find and express gratitude for life as it unfolds. I am once again grateful for the gift of perseverance and resilience that I see in myself and recognize in others. It is a gift that offers strength during times of struggle and strife; it is a gift that allows us to pull ourselves from the edge of despair and fear and find a way to make it through a hard time and perhaps even find a smile when there seems to be no reason for smiling.

This morning I wrote in my journal about wanting to cultivate the four limitless qualities of lovingkindness, compassion, joy and equanimity. I can’t help but think what an amazing thing it would be I could invite and develop these qualities and manifest them in my life. I must confess to being the most intrigued by joy, which is a fairly elusive concept for me. In the song, “I Smile,” gospel artist Kirk Franklin says, “I don’t want you to be happy, because then you have to have something happening. I want you to have joy ’cause can’t nobody take that away from you.” I like the idea of happiness, but I love the idea of joy. Joy seems to me to be like happiness to the 100th power, that the depth and power of joy extends beyond what we imagine mere happiness to be. I used to think that life was basically unhappy with the occasional glimmers of happiness. Ouch! But I am coming to believe that frequent happiness is possible and that joy might not be as out of reach as I once feared it was. It’s going to require a lot of patience and careful cultivation of this and the other limitless qualities, but the opportunity to become a more joyful, compassionate, loving and equanimous human being is too good not to go for it.

I am grateful this evening simply for the many good things that have been made manifest in my life. Even with all I have “suffered” recently, I still find that I am grateful every single day. This is a good thing. I am going to sleep early tonight and looking forward to the rest. It has been a long, odd, but mostly good day. I look forward to waking in the morning refreshed and ready to start the day.

May we all be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May we know happiness and its causes. May we be safe and protected from harm. May we be health and strong. May we live with joy, ease, and wellbeing. May we be peaceful and happy. So may we all!

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