Lessons in Gratitude Day 681

Posted on May 25, 2013 by mtchamblee

Tonight I find myself once again considering the notion of forgiveness. During a recent meeting of folks a lot of old hurts were raised in conversation. What was clear was that one person or another had slighted another person and while that person was willing to continue to interact with everyone, it was clear that they were still holding onto the original trauma. What they wanted, in fact all they wanted was for the offending party to acknowledge the pain they’d caused and apologize for it. The person never had apologized and so the rift remained. The parties interact, but their interaction and the quality of work that they could do together is diminished by the fact that forgiveness was neither sought nor given.

I think that forgiveness is a difficult thing. But I can think of few things more important. I’ve had my heart broken once or twice, and I’ve endured pain at the hands of another person. I’ve likely also hurt other people over the course of my lifetime. I’ve come to realize the power of asking for and receiving forgiveness as well as granting it. It frees both the forgiver and the recipient of forgiveness. It requires something from us: the willingness to let go of our hurt and our righteous indignation and anger.

Once a person whom I cared for betrayed my trust and deeply hurt me. I thought what they’d done was clearly obvious and hurtful and I expected  acknowledgment of my feelings and an apology. Not only did they not apologize, they refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing and certainly not extend an apology. They felt they had done nothing wrong. For months and months I seethed with anger and hurt and betrayal, until slowly I decided that I needed to get out from where I was stuck emotionally and into some semblance of living. I worked hard to maintain amicable contact with my friend because we had mutual partnership in business ventures we were responsible for and we needed to remain in relationship. Over the course of the years, the pain of the betrayal diminished and I found myself helping this person in a variety of ways. Eventually we became good friends and they benefited greatly from connecting with me on some business ventures. One day, at least five years or more after the original issue between us, I received a card in the mail from them. “I want you to know that I am sorry for what happened between us and for all the ways I hurt your feelings. Please forgive me.”

I was stunned. The card had come from out of the blue, long after I had given up ever hearing this person acknowledge anything about what had happened. I had let it go and forgiven them over and over (and over) again. Forgiveness is not a “one and done” opportunity; it is a process that unfolds over time. You forgive someone as much as you can as best you can, but some wounds and pains require continual healing and forgiveness over the course of months, years and occasionally a lifetime. Like a muscle, we must exercise it constantly to make it stronger. It was only when I could truly let go of the pain I had been carrying and the resentment I’d held against this other person that the door opened for the acknowledgment and apology I never thought I’d receive.

There’s a lot more I’d like to say about forgiveness, but I am too tired to be very coherent this evening. It is a subject I’ve written about before (day 532 on December 27, 2012) and will likely do so again. I am grateful for the reminders I’ve received this week of the importance both of forgiving and of being forgiven. May we all experience the healing power of forgiveness in our own lives, extending the gift to those who have “wronged” us and asking it of those whom we have wronged. So be it!

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 680

Posted on May 24, 2013 by mtchamblee

Another week has come and gone. It has been an odd week and at the end of it I find myself emotionally drained. It’s been a long time since I rode Mephistopheles the mechanical bull, and I didn’t ride today–but my emotions have been whipped around quite a bit this week and for a moment I was returned to the good old days when being emotionally flung up and down, side to side was a fairly regular occurrence. Things may get a little bumpy from time to time, but one thing I’ve learned over the past few years is that I’m more than capable of handling the bumps.

Today I sat in a room with a group of people who were willing to take on some emotionally challenging issues that had been building internally for quite some time. People both wanted to talk and at the same time wanted to avoid talking, and finally things broke open. People raised their voices at one another, argued, cried, were silent, reflected, opened up, shut down, and opened back up. It was a Mephisto ride kind of day. At the end of it all we perhaps got to a different place; the issues and emotions raised were by no means resolved and soothed, but people were willing to take on the conversation in spite of the risks and for that they are to be commended.

For my part, I tried to provide a space for the conversations to happen in relative safety, even though I wasn’t sure how things were going to go and at the end could not have predicted the outcome. As is the case with any delicate procedure, one has to keep a careful eye on the wounds to watch for signs of infection. I’ll be checking in with folks to see how they’re doing after the wild ride we all experienced. It’s a good thing we’re going into the weekend–and a long one at that–so we have time to breathe and recuperate from what was a challenging and yet hopeful situation.

When things continue to brew under the surface, a potentially toxic and unhealthy environment builds up and begins to affect everything around it. Simply put, sometimes difficult, even ugly things have to be allowed to surface–to be exposed to the air, as it were–before they can begin to clear and heal. That is what happened today as long-held misunderstandings and misperceptions were raised and hurt feelings aired. I sat in the midst of it, as uncomfortable as everyone else and yet deeply invested in providing the space for the possibility of healing to manifest. At the end of the day I wanted to weep with my own emotion and exhaustion, yet did not and could not. Nevertheless all is as it should be.

I am grateful for people who are courageous enough to tackle their issues and confront one another. I am not sure I am that courageous myself, but I hope I can find it when I need it. Life has what it takes sometimes to wear you down, but it also provides opportunities for healing and building up others and in so doing heal and build up our own wounded spirits. I am hopeful that the delicate work we did today strengthens and that the old scar tissue that was removed today begins to knit together into a more clean, cohesive whole. May we all be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May we know peace and happiness. May we be safe and protected from harm–internal and external. May we be healthy and strong in body, mind, and spirit. May we live with joy, ease and wellbeing. May it be so for those who gathered today and for all beings.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 679

Posted on May 23, 2013 by mtchamblee

Tonight after a long but productive work day I find that I am a little too exhausted to write a coherent post from scratch. So I spun the wheel and got luck with an earlier post on simple gratitude from August 2011. I find it resonates deeply with where I am tonight: grateful for the simple, basic comforts that we often take for granted. While I still fall into this state of mind, I am learning to be much more mindful of how much of a life of relative luxury I live given so many other places around the country and world.

I can start by being grateful for the basics. I have a roof over my head that’s safe and comfortable. I’ve seen so many people for whom this is simply not the case. Whether through difficult financial circumstance or due to catastrophic natural or man-made disasters,far too many people in this country do not have a safe,comfortable roof over their heads. I have food and the wherewithal to feed myself and my kids and even my dog. There are millions of Americans–including a significant and growing number of children–who don’t have enough to eat, going to bed hungry and waking the next morning hungry. I have gone to bed hungry once or twice in my life and had a day or two when I wasn’t sure when or what I was going to eat that day. But that was one or two days, a few hours here or there. Something always worked out and I was able to eat. In the 20 plus years I’ve been a mother, I’ve never worried about how I was going to feed my children. I cannot imagine being a parent and watching my children go hungry. In many parts of the world parents are watching their children starve to death. These realizations are not about making myself feel better by focusing on what others do not have. It is in part about putting some of the “challenges” I am facing into perspective.

I have moments when I am discouraged, anxious, and at times even a bit panicked about not having a job and the financial uncertainty that goes along with that. And I have no idea what the future holds at this moment. But I still wake up in the morning with some measure of belief that everything is going to be alright and draw on the inner resilience that somehow seems to be there when I need it. There are people around me who won’t let me get so discouraged that I give up. I have resources all around me that I can lean on when necessary. I am not alone in this by any means, and for that I am grateful beyond measure.

Simple gratitude. I am thankful. Sometimes I have no words that can truly articulate the depth and breadth of how grateful I am. Most mornings I wake up saying, “Thank you, God for this day.” And then I go about my business living with however the day chooses to unfold. I don’t walk around whistling a happy tune all day long, sometimes I get cranky, discouraged, and sound anything but grateful. But then the gratitude bubbles up regardless of how awful I might have been feeling and in spite of whatever might have happened during the course of the day. There it is,  every day. I think it’s a seed that exists in each of us. Sometimes it sprouts and takes root in our lives and sometimes it lays dormant until something happens to wake it up. I for one am glad it’s rooted in my daily existence and as odd as it sounds (and I’ve said this before) I am grateful for gratitude.

I am grateful too that at the close of this long, good day, I am sitting here side-by-side with my daughter who is visiting for the long holiday weekend. I am looking forward to spending time with her over these next few days. I will also reconnect with my Aunt and my brother who are also visiting in the area. Simple gratitude, simple blessings of family and loved ones. May it continue to be so.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 678

Posted on May 22, 2013 by mtchamblee

I’ve written a lot recently about how glad I am to be living in close proximity to my three sisters. It is been a great joy to me to be able to visit, interact, talk, and share meals with them on a regular basis. Tonight, I am grateful today for my sister Sandy. I have written a lot about my sister Ruth, with whom I am closest in age and shared many childhood experiences and recently I wrote about my oldest sister Michaele. Sandy, as the second born of my siblings, sandwiched in between our oldest sister and the first if my two brothers, is somewhat quieter than some of the others of us, and could be easy to overlook. She once characterized herself as a middle child, which at the time I vehemently disagreed with. After all she was the second born of six, and how she could therefore consider herself being in the middle I wasn’t sure the time. But upon further consideration I think she probably was kind of a middle child occupying in her way the same space that I occupied and the number five child.

Sandy was a good kid: for as far back as I can remember she never got into serious trouble with my parents and I don’t think she ever  got spanked. The younger three of us, particularly my brother closest in age to me, got into more than enough trouble to keep my mother busy. As was the case with Michaele, Sandy, who is seven years my senior, often got stuck taking care of me and my younger siblings. There were no doubt times when I got on her nerves and she was ready to do away with me. And when she went off to college in Washington DC, it was much less mysterious than it had been when Michaele, the first born, had gone a couple years earlier. And it was quite exciting to be able to visit her at college and stay in a dormitory room at Thanksgiving one year. Those are fun little-kid memories that stick in my mind along with a bunch of others. But it was as I became an adult that I’ve learned to appreciate Sandy.

I am grateful to have learned from her the power of perseverance, with grace, through some extremely rough periods in her life. I watched the rug be snatched out from under her feet, and while she stumbled and no doubt struggled for a long time, she rediscovered within herself a steely resolve that carried her through heartbreak and disappointment back into some measure of equanimity. If someone were to ask her about this, she would no doubt shake her head and demur, talking about how she had barely made it through and it was nothing special, etc. But I’ve watched her come through challenges again and again, enough to know that what she’s been able to do is special and significant.

When my own life crumbled–the first time was several years ago when my now ex-husband asked for a divorce and I became a working, single mother of two–I was able look to Sandy’s example and experience as one who had gone through the same challenges and could advise me on how to weather mine. In my more recent life dramas, Sandy has been a steady and supportive force in my life supporting and helping me get situated and back on my feet after a difficult period of unemployment, heartache and loss. She continues to extend generosity and kindness to me, my children and across our families. I am indeed grateful to her for who she is and all she’s been to me from my earliest memories.

I am blessed indeed with three very different but special, loving sisters and two wonderful and also very different brothers. They are among my best friends, the closest people in my life along with my children. I am grateful for all I learn from them, both from the examples they have set for me through the lives they lead, as well as the things they’ve taught me directly. While I can say that we all have had our moments of discord and disagreement over the years, they have been few and far between. We are solidly knit together as a family unit even if our individual relationships with one another get a little bumpy from time to time. I am grateful to be living so close to my sisters and love spending time with each of them. And tonight I am especially grateful for my big sis, Sandy.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 677

Posted on May 21, 2013 by mtchamblee

Today has been a challenging day. Nothing particularly bad happened; there was no great drama to speak of. And yet, most of today was energy draining rather than energy-giving. Mama said there’ll be days like this and so for the most part I have learned to take them in stride. I am grateful for the ability to notice and recognize when something is off and take affirmative steps to correct it. I am tired in body and mind and need to give them a rest. I had hoped to do a little work tonight–being in meetings all day makes it difficult to get other kinds of work done. But, my mind is too tired to focus and I’d be better served resting and working on things with a fresh mind in the morning. Tonight I spun the random number generator twice and selected a blog to excerpt for this evening. So I will take my rest and leave you with a previous posting about meditation. Enjoy!

I am grateful today for mindfulness meditation. It occurred to me when I woke this morning that I hadn’t engaged in daily meditation for some weeks; and similar to how your body feels when you haven’t eaten or exercised properly, my emotional state has been a bit sluggish. So this morning, I sat in meditation for about 30 minutes, guided gently there by an audio track from a Jack Kornfield CD titled, “Guided Meditations for Difficult Times.” It was just the right way to reestablish my stalled meditation practice and bring me back toward mindfulness as a means of living in the present moment as it unfolds. It was good to have started the day that way because the middle of the day bogged down a bit as I received another first-round rejection from a prospective employer. I will return to mindfulness before I close my eyes to sleep tonight. The next meditation on the CD is about compassion. I have a feeling that will be a good one for me to listen and meditate to before I retire.

The beauty of meditation in part lies in the fact that one must breathe while meditating. Under stressful situations, we can often forget to breathe fully. Obviously we have to breathe, it is an autonomic response–even if I hold my breath “until my face turned blue,” I’d pass out and then my breathing would start up on its own. But we often go through much of the day holding our breath or breathing shallowly, not getting enough oxygen to our brains, etc. Mindfulness meditation uses the breath as an anchor for our awareness–we pay attention to our breathing as a means of connecting to and staying in the present moment. Mindfulness encourages me to slow down,“unscrunch” my face, relax my shoulders and all those areas I’ve clamped down, tightened up, or tensed, and bring my attention to the rhythm of my breathing. It also helps me to cut down on some of the noisy, chaotic chatter of my thoughts–the incessant stream of sometimes random, scattered, intersecting ideas, memories, emotions, worries, etc. that course through my mind over the course of the day. In meditation this chatter becomes much more obvious. Trying to keep one’s attention on one’s breathing can be an incredible challenge when the mind has so many other things it wants to noodle on. As someone who struggles a bit with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), it’s a relief to hear meditation teachers say that virtually everyone first starting out in meditation has to drag their unruly minds back from the thought stream dozens, hundreds, maybe even thousands of times over a relatively short (30, 45, 60 minutes) meditation period. What a comfort to know that when it comes to meditation we all suffer from degrees of ADD!

I am recommitting myself to a daily meditation practice. I suspect I will need to continue to offer compassion and loving kindness to myself and others as I continue to sort out what I need to be doing next. Life is still uncertain; and in the midst of the uncertainty, I choose to approach it with as much equanimity as I possibly can. I am grateful to have access to teachers and to a community who can continue to guide me in developing my meditation practice. These are things I do not take for granted. So while I am out here in this area, for as long as I live here, I will take advantage of the spiritual communities I’ve found here in the Bay area. And as I’m waiting for the continued unfolding that is my life, I will remember to focus my attention on my breath and remember the beauty of living mindfully.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 676

Posted on May 20, 2013 by mtchamblee

Today I woke and rose earlier than usual. I had been wanting to make this microshift for quite a while: awaken at least 15 to 20 minutes earlier (5:30 versus 5:50). I was able to create a more spacious day for myself simply by taking that small step. I am reminded once again about the power of making small shifts, tiny steps here and there in the direction you want to move in. Sometimes we don’t have major moves in us, and all we can do is take tiny, baby steps, micro actions that one the surface would seem like we’d barely moved at all, but internally you know it. You made the change and you can feel it. At at time in my life when the whole world seemed to shift under my feet, or at least major pieces of it broke away suddenly and others less sudden but no less devastating, sometimes these small changes were all I could muster.

I am grateful tonight for the small steps. Small they might be but they are steps nonetheless; small actions taken that move us forward and are sometimes all we need to make important changes in our lives. Nearly two years ago as I was recovering from a series of unfortunate events I took a few small but significant actions that changed my life. First, I started volunteering at the local food pantry, handing out groceries to people in my community who needed food. It took me out of myself and away from my own drama and trauma to focus my energy and attention on those who needed help. It put  my own privileged life into perspective to be there week in and week out assisting people who had it much tougher than I did. Second, I started writing this blog at the end of June 2011. I had decided that I needed to express my gratitude for the many blessings I had in my life, choosing to focus on the many blessings around me rather than the things I had lost and that were causing me grief.

Now as I continue to work my way up and out of those days I am grateful for the impact of those and many other actions I took–some larger than others–to find my way back to a place of relative calm. I think what I’ve learned, among other things, is to walk softly and deliberately through life, trying to gently hold and appreciate the beauty that is present in my life and to grasp the lessons that even the difficulties in life offer me on a regular basis. I still have a lot to learn, and that’s alright. I’m paying attention.

The proverb says that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Sometimes it’s a half step, sometimes it’s a giant leap. Sometimes we make several steps in a row, covering leagues in a short time. Other times we might stand still moving glacially slow such that only a time lapse camera can capture any hint of movement. But it’s all movement, and it’s all progress one way or another. My job is to be patient with myself through the process and know that each step I take, even the small ones, are taking me to a different place than I started from this morning. And for me, for now, that’s a good thing.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 675

Posted on May 19, 2013 by mtchamblee

I’ve taken to watching the eagles again. This year it’s a different nest in a different part of the country, but am watching a pair of bald eagles care for two gray-feathered eaglets. I am also watching a red-tailed hawk’s nest with white and black spotted hatchlings. Throughout all of last year I watched a bald eagle’s nest near an Iowa farm, watching the babies grow from small fuzzy hatchlings like these to large nearly full grown juveniles. It was quite an interesting and unique form of entertainment. I looked in on the eagle family at least once a day last year, and am likely to do the same with these different nests this year. The ultimate in birdwatching from the safety and comfort of one’s own home. I am a grateful bird nerd this evening.

About three blocks from my house is a small pond where a gaggle of geese hang out regularly. At the moment there is a larger gaggle than usual as there are now about ten goslings–fuzzy brownish-yellow feathered critters. They are quite tame–both the parents and the babies: I saw several geese standing quite close to a human adult and child who had come down to see (and probably feed) the geese. My guess is that the geese are a nuisance–they often are considered such, what with their honking and goose poop everywhere, not to mention their sometimes aggressive tendencies. From what I can tell these geese are relatively harmless. Back in my Cali days it was the wild turkeys who provided me with nonstop entertainment, hanging out as they did in the back parking lot of my condo.

I recognize that these things represent the simplest of gratitudes, relatively unimportant in the scheme of my life. And yet, these small pleasures are part of what gives meaning to life. Everything can’t be so deep and meaningful; sometimes it is these simple things that bring joy. So in the spirit of simple gratitude, I offer thanks for a few such blessings.

I am grateful for having spent a few hours with my big sister Michaele. I hung out down at her house, chatting about a wide variety of subjects: books, gardening, the antics of our nearly-grown children now and back in their early days. It was easygoing and relaxing and a pleasant way to spend a few hours in between my trip to the grocery store and my Sunday chores getting my house ready for my daughter’s visit–an unexpected trip for the weekend.

I am grateful for weekends like this–it was a little low-key, which is what I needed, and yet I still managed to get a few things done. I spent a lot of time on the phone talking to different folks about this and that, offering advice to some, taking advice from others, but most importantly engaging in the normal give and take of human relationships.

Now as I prepare to rest in preparation for the start of a new week I realize that I need to give myself a little bit of down time before I sleep. I have a very good meditation CD that I like to listen to as I drift off. I can focus my mind on something positive before I rest with the hope and expectation that I’ll wake up in a good frame of mind. It’s a good hope. I have a busy time coming up in the next couple of weeks, beginning with tomorrow. No matter how busy the next two weeks are going to be, I still have to focus on what’s right in front of me and not make myself crazy anticipating all that needs to get done. Tonight, my task is to rest my mind and my body and get ready for tomorrow and know that all shall be well.

“The night heralds the dawn. Let us look expectantly to a new day, new joys, new responsibilities…” (From the New Zealand Prayer Book, 1989)
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Lessons in Gratitude Day 674

Posted on May 18, 2013 by mtchamblee

Tonight I will stare down the blinking cursor of pain known as writer’s block. My intent, as it is each night, is to write something meaningful. Sometimes I am more successful than others, but I do my best. I am grateful for those who read–both daily readers who’ve been here since the beginning, as well as those who check it out because it popped up on their Facebook feeds just as I was posting. “What the heck,” you seem to say and click on the link to the blog and read it. It probably only takes about five minutes to read it; I don’t know for sure, I’ve never timed it. I can’t imagine it takes that long to read, even allowing for the momentary pause over a concept that gave you a bit of an ah ha while reading. Every once in a while someone will comment on the Facebook page or the blog itself, or just “like” it. Either way it’s gratifying, and I am often surprised who at any given day is reading it.

Today I was talking to a friend about serendipity–well, we didn’t use that word but spoke about the concept of the universe aligning to provide what is needed when it is needed. He was telling me about how things were working out for him in his life at the moment.

“It sounds like things are aligning just right for you.” I told him. “It’s like the automatic doors at the grocery store or airport, when you walk toward them they open. It appears you’re walking in the right direction and all those doors keep sliding open for you.”
He asked me if things were also aligning for me and I replied that my doors are all opening internally, that I am coming to important understandings about myself, my place in the world, and internal things. My hope is that eventually the internal work might translate into more doors opening externally to guide and direct me toward my what’s next; but at the moment I live as best I can in the present and not too far ahead into the future. I am learning, as has been written, to be content with where I am in this moment and not expend a lot of energy clamoring to be somewhere else in some imagined future. I want to be able to hold lightly to the “good” things I want to attract into and have present in my life, and be willing to stand firm in the face of the “bad” things, the scary occurrences that can happen. In other words, not cling too desperately to try to hold onto the things I love and not try to push away those things that are “bad.” While I can’t say I’m very good at this yet, it’s a goal I’m working toward.
The other day I described being stuck in traffic on the way in to work, knowing that I was going to be late for a meeting. I try not to be late to most things, especially a relatively important meeting during which I was to give a report. As I realized that the accidents on my preferred route were going to require me to take a longer, unfamiliar one, I started talking to myself, preparing contingencies in case I arrived late. There was a time in my life when I would have panicked, been distressed by the traffic, frustrated by the gridlock, all the while knowing the clock was ticking. Time is too slow for those who wait…But I have been gradually moving to a new level of understanding about what things are important and worth getting anxious about and which are not. If I were in my car headed to the bedside of a loved one who was dying, then the delays and slow traffic would have been barely tolerable. But freaking out about potentially being late for the meeting seems almost ridiculous by comparison. In the end, I made it to the meeting, gave my seven-minute report and went on with the rest of my day.
I am grateful for the realizations I am coming to these days. Learning to put things into perspective has been a powerful tool for maintaining my sense of equanimity and balance even when things get a little out of kilter. In any given situation there is a “best possible outcome” as well as a variety of worsts. When I ponder the worst possible outcomes of a given situation, it takes away some of the power that the situation might have for me. Because generally speaking, the WPO is not as bad as many things I’ve already experienced in my life or could imagine. Perspective is key. I still have a lot to learn and more internal shifts are happening every day that continue to open my awareness and align me with the direction the Universe wants to take me. In the scheme of things being late for a meeting is not that big a deal when the Universe has plans. I’m looking forward to seeing and participating in the great unfolding as it happens.
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Lessons in Gratitude Day 673

Posted on May 17, 2013 by mtchamblee

Tonight I am starting my blog so late that I decided to spin the RNG wheel and see what I came up with. Before I share tonight’s revisited blog I want to say that I am so grateful for how this day unfolded. For one thing, I woke this morning knowing that I had to leave the house early to make an 8:30 a.m. meeting. As I was getting ready, my phone buzzed me and alerted me that because of delays on my usual route to work I the trip was going to take twice as long as usual–90 minutes instead of the usual 45 or so. As I drove, I realized that wasn’t I going to make it by 8:30. Rather than panic, I remained calm. I realized that in the scheme of things my life and its relative fortunes were not dependent on my being at this meeting on time. I relaxed and let the day come to me, and it was a beautiful day. But I am tired and so happy and grateful that the weekend is hear that I can’t even describe it. Thus, a recycled blog, but a good one. From Day 42 August 10, 2011:

“Sometimes I watch the blinking of the cursor on my computer screen poised at the first line of a blank page and I say to myself,“Oh no,today’s the day when I have nothing to say.”Can it be that 41 straight days into writing a daily gratitude blog that I no longer have anything to say about anything? Say it aint so.

It aint so. So I’m sitting in my room thinking about my blog and listening to my son play the blues on his guitar.  The dog is watching him,a semi-bemused expression on her face. She sits like this whenever he plays,staring at up at him,resting her head on his thigh. It doesn’t get much better than that. And I am reminded that life is good.

I’ve been waiting for some big “sign”from God,the Universe,etc. that I am on the right track,that something good is going to happen to/for me,that it’s right around the corner. But then I realize that something good is sitting right in my room with me playing the guitar and something else good is sitting listening and watching adoringly. Yesterday I received a sign that I am on the right track–I thoroughly enjoyed driving my daughter back up to school and had a lovely afternoon that unfolded without flashing neon lights and fanfare.

Something good happens to me several times a day. The problem is that when the something good doesn’t come in the form I expect it to come packaged in,it is likely I don’t recognize it. I probably stumble over the signs I’m looking for because I don’t realize what they look like. I no doubt walk by them several times a day,because I’ve convinced myself that they are supposed to look a certain way. I am trying to rectify this situation,but it isn’t easy. My mind is pre-programmed by all the things it thinks I should be focusing on. This reminds me of the notion of struggle and ease that I wrote about some weeks ago. If I expect and focus on the concept of struggle–struggling to make ends meet,struggling to stay positive,struggling to find a job,then what I am likely to produce is even more struggle along with some of its byproducts:stress,fear,depression,etc.

My mind is not yet trained to be at ease and calm. It ignores the many times in my lived experience when the very thing I needed showed up when I needed it. Instead,it  focuses on the possibility that this time is going to be different and that more calamity is going to befall me. I have way more examples of when good things happened for me than when they didn’t,and in the end all the stress and anxiety I had experienced in the interim had been totally unnecessary. No matter how many times I remind myself that things tend to work out for me,my mind is ready with the “yeah buts.”Yeah but that’s not going to work this time…yeah but you had savings to fall back on before…yeah but that was back when you were younger and just getting started in your career…

So what am I to do then,sit on my hands and think happy thoughts? Not exactly,but kinda. Part of the journey I am on involves retraining my mind. I am in a situation in my life at the moment that I’ve not been in before. I can approach it with panic,fear,anger,depression,and all manner of totally useless emotional and mental clutter. While it is natural to feel those things at any given time,my mind wants to gnaw on them like a dog chewing on a tough piece of rawhide. It spins out scenarios of everything that could go wrong,reminds me of everything that has ever gone wrong,and makes up reasons why everything will continue to go wrong. It even defines for me what “wrong”is. Not helpful.

So am I going to sit on my hands,no. I haven’t sat on them much since life went haywire a few months back. Am I going to think happy thoughts,yes. Sounds simplistic,doesn’t it? I’m beginning to believe that it is that simple. So if I am going to give my mind something to chew on,I’m going to feed it notions of ease and calm. Let’s see what it does with those.

There’s nothing I really need to add to this. When I reread it, I recognized themes running through it that are true to where my heart is at the moment. So I am satisfied for tonight. I hope you find the message helpful. I will work on being more coherent tomorrow.

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Lessons in Gratitude Day 672

Posted on May 16, 2013 by mtchamblee

Last night I forgot to post my blog on Facebook. It’s the main way I distribute my blogs out to the world. I have a few regulars who read it every day. They would notice it wasn’t up, and a few folks actually went straight to the blog site and read it even though I had failed to post it. Alas, I believe it is a symptom of where my head is these days. I’ve been pretty scatterbrained, and while I’m generally patient with myself when I get like this, it’s also a symptom that I need to slow down and create more space in my life for down time. By down time I mean time spent reading, relaxing, listening to music, preferably on a beach or someplace relaxing and beautiful.

This is very different from collapsing with exhaustion onto the sofa and vegging in front of the television all day, too tired to move or otherwise engage the world. This tends to be how I spend at least a portion of each weekend. I am determined to find a way to create more spaciousness in my schedule so I can fully relax my mind and body. I have been in “go” mode for several months. Over the past several weeks I’ve over scheduled myself at work to the point where I barely have time to take a deep breath between meetings, appointments and events. When I do have a moment, I ponder which of the dozen things I’ve neglected earlier in the day am I going to try to shoehorn into my schedule. This is not healthy. I’m going to make some changes and soon.

Tonight I am going to share thoughts from an earlier blog (Day 240 on March 12, 2012). It’s a helpful reminder to me of why I started writing this gratitude blog.

Every day is a good day to be grateful. If one makes the effort we can find something to be grateful for–actually many somethings–over the course of a single day. Even when in the midst of one or other of my “first world problems” I can always find one thing that I appreciate, that I am thankful for and glad to have experienced, or have in my life, etc. I guess it’s a lot about where I choose to focus my attention and where I put my energy. When I first started writing this gratitude blog it was because I knew that in the midst of a number of dramatic, traumatic events I needed to find something positive to put my energy on lest I sink into an understandable but unhealthy depression. Having suffered from depression for most of my life anyway, I was concerned I’d be so undone by all that had happened I wouldn’t be able to function in the world. As it is, even with various steps I’ve taken over the past months to be positive and forward-looking, I still find myself having to work to maintain a sense of balance and equanimity in the midst of ongoing uncertainty. So I’ll repeat what I’ve said before in this blog–I am grateful for gratitude itself.

Okay, so that sounds a little weird,but it’s true. The act of being grateful, of intentionally looking for things about which I am grateful, begets more gratitude and more looking for and finding more things to be grateful for. Practicing gratitude, like practicing piano or guitar or any other endeavor, is a strengthening activity–the more you practice, the better you get at it. This has been my experience. Even when I’m tired or cranky or melting down like I was yesterday, I can right myself pretty quickly by taking a moment to find the good. I’ve by no means arrived in this regard, in fact I still have a long way to go in developing an automatic gratitude response in any situation. But for now I’m satisfied to continue practicing daily gratitude to the best of my ability.

Even when I’m exhausted, as I have been off and on over the past few weeks, I am still grateful to sit down, relax my mind for a few minutes and focus on the good things in my life, the things that make my heart sing, that give me cause to smile, that touch my heart. All around me are so many things I am grateful for. I pray that I continue to strengthen my gratitude practice and that it will continue to sustain me throughout my life. The circumstances under which I first started writing this blog were difficult ones; nonetheless, the blog itself, the process of observing and then writing about the various blessings in my life remain an important part of my life. I am grateful to you for being here along with me on this journey. May you continue to find things in your life for which you are grateful. So be it!

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